And Then This Happened... Horrors of Spider Island

What is scarier than a turkey hangover or black Friday at the mall? The Horrors of Spider Island of course. Well scary might be a strong word. More likely you'll just be amused and confused by the wandering models, the "spider-man" creature and most of all the buxom and burly Babs as she hulks around the film. She's all woman all the time, to quote Crow.

There are also a couple of doofy guys in this movie who are supposed to be the heroes, but honestly I wanted Babs to be the amazon warrior who saves the day. But at least the twin doofuses give us this moment for you to caption.

And then this happened...

Horrors of Spider Island (1960) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Gary (Alexander D’Arcy) is taking a group of dancers to exotic Singapore (or maybe it’s exotic dancers to Singapore… anyway) for a tour. Along the way the plane goes down somewhere in the Pacific. Gary and the girls are able to find a deserted island and explore it. 

Before Gary can feel pretty good about living on an island with a bunch of sultry ladies, they find remnants of an expedition on the island. But it appears that the expedition was destroyed by a giant spider! The giant web gave it away. Seeing no sign of the spider Gary and girls enjoy their time – until Gary disappears. Now the girls have to fend for themselves and hope help arrives. Will the confident Georgia (Helga Frank) be able to keep buxom Babs (Barbara Valentin) and the other girls away from the Horrors of Spider Island?

Movie Review:

I'm surprised SyFy hasn't attempted a remake. It would
probably be an improvement.

Girls in bikinis trapped on an island and being chased around by a mutated guy. Sounds like it might have some good points, right? If only the people behind the camera knew what they were doing. Sorry to say that the Horrors of Spider Island or Body in the Web as it is known in German, has more to do with inept film making than a scary monster. But they did get the girls in bikinis part right.

Let’s start with the basics, you know, the plot. This movie’s goal to was to show girls in bikinis and have them get attacked by a monster. So I wasn’t expecting Shakespeare (we already had that episode). it is about as flimsy as you expect. Characters are either broadly drawn archetypes (Gary is certainly the alpha male, Babs is the rowdy tough gal, Georgia is the competent one, etc) or they are just bodies with little personality, but look good in bikinis (most of the rest of the girls).

It looks like some thought was given to actually get Gary and the girls into the plane. The whole audition scene seems to be an attempt to show Gary and Georgia's relationship. Even the goofy "crossing the legs" move seems to be an attempt to give them some background. But after the ridiculous plane crash sequence, the movie devolves into the girls wandering around, looking pouty and being almost attacked by the silly looking mutated Gary. Even the injection of the returning expedition members, Bobby (Rainer Brandt) and Joe (Harald Maresch) does little to make the movie any more interesting. Mostly this is because the characters are so thin that you don’t care what happens to any of them. Part of this is the writing, but it also falls on the acting.

Georgia is too stunned by the battle of Babs to
realize she is in danger!

Horrors of Spider Island was made by a German cast, and that means what we get is a dubbed mess. You’ve got some seriously bad voice acting in this movie. With Gary getting the super masculine deep voice, and all the girls being dubbed by what sounds like three women. All these women were directed to coo, and pout and sound like they are all on some kind of depressants. Some distinctions are made in the voice work – Babs sounds about as tough as she looks, but for the most part its a really poor job.

As for the physical part of the acting, well it’s about what you’d expect. The girls are good at showing off their assets. Gary is good at looking beefy and masculine. Even the two researchers are good at being annoying and jerky. So really I guess they all fit the parts, but there is silliness to the performances. Or maybe it’s the fact that they all know they are in a movie called Horrors of Spider Island, I don’t know, but the cheesiness goes from the script right into the acting.

"Captured by sexy women? Sure I'll surrender!"

If you’re looking for hot girls and studly guys, well you might find something to like. The guys are uniformly beefy and lumpy. Most of them end up with their shirts off at some point, but it doesn’t help matters. And for those of you who like watching guys punch each other – well there are a couple fight scenes between the dorky Joe and Bobby and then between Joe and mutated Gary (who still has his shirt off in mutated form – but retains his slacks).

As for the ladies they are all pretty or sexy in an early 60’s European kind of way. Some of them will have more appeal than others, only because they get a little more screen time. Georgia is the smart one who takes command. Then there’s the sweet Ann who falls for Bob. And of course there’s Babs, the Amazon of the group. Tall, blonde and built like a linebacker, Babs intimidates all the girls and even stands up to Gary. Of course the filmmakers spend lots of time showing us Babs, and one of the movies key scenes involves Babs wrestling one of the other girls. Yeah – it’s a key scene for this film, which doesn’t say much. Oddly Babs and Gary remind of a low budget beefy German version of Anita Ekberg and Marcello Mastroianni from La Dolce Vida which was made the same year! Coincidence? I think not!

The professor was caught practicing his jazz hands.

So what about the horrors and the monsters and such? Well our titular spider is really a goofy looking puppet that hides in a tree most of the movie. This thing would make Roger Corman blush – maybe. Its big scene is when it attacks Gary, but it takes so long to get to the scene, that you begin to wonder if Gary’s shirtless chest is the horror of Spider Island. Anyway, after Gary gets bitten, he gets a furry face, funny looking teeth and a clawed hand. He looks nothing like a spider, more like a were-wombat or something. The rest of the movie Gary will move his hand threateningly toward one of the girls and then hides. When he finally kills someone he does so by waving his arms until they fall off a cliff. The other “special” effect is the huge spider web that our castaways find at the beginning of the movie. It’s very fake looking. The poor dope playing the professor caught in the web like he’s doing jumping jacks, or was caught in the air during a fabulous dance montage moment. Mike and the bots have a field day with this in a host segment.

Flowery bikini or not, Babs will BREAK you!

When it comes down to it, Horrors of Spider Island was made for the guys. It’s got girls in bikinis, and lots of jumping and running and wrestling. It’s also got a really misogynistic feel to the dialogue as well as the whole tone. Certainly this is nothing new for a bad B film. I’m just warning you. Don’t expect any respect for any of the girls in this movie. 

That’s funny because I get the feeling that Babs could kick the ass of any of the guys in this movie. If anyone demands respect – it’s Babs… well maybe not in that flowery bikini.

It was just a joke Babs. No seriously put down that chair! NOOOoooooo!

Episode Review:

And now you see the horror of spider island. Not
too impressive is it?

In many ways this reminds me of a classic Mike episode from season six. The movie is black and white, it’s got that early 60’s feel to it. It’s even got enough women in bikini’s to rival Mike’s first episode The Brain that Wouldn’t Die. You’ve got the beefy guys and cooing girls. Sure lots of the movie spent with characters wandering around or writhing around but that should be easy. Mike and the bots had a lot less to work with in films like Starfighters or Racket Girls or one of the Coleman Francis trilogy. So Horrors of Spider Island  should be a great episode.

Yeah, you saw the “but” coming didn’t you.

But, this isn’t a great episode. It’s really lacking in a lot of areas and the big one is energy. There is a real lethargy in the riffing, and long stretches without much of a comment. When they do come they aren’t anything really memorable. In fact when I remember this episode, I remember the movie itself more than the actual riffing. Gary’s little leg crossing bit, or Babs, or Gary as a spider in slacks, or Babs, or the crash sequence, or Babs. But when it comes to specific riffing, I don’t remember much at all.

Upon rewatching Horrors of Spider Island, some of the funnier moments revolve on how sleazy the movie is. Crow asks, "Should we have on our filthy raincoats to watch this?" After the umpteenth scene involving half naked women writhing around Crow says, "This is too much, even for me. Can we see a couple elderly scientists talking for 2 hours, nonstop?"  

"Hi, I'm Bob Boxbody."

Speaking of Gary, he’s a good source of comedy. From his opening moments with his auditions, to his final moments as a crazed hairy not-spidery-at-all monster – Gary provides laughs. His booming voice is easily imitated by Tom and he makes the already misogynistic dialogue worse. Although Tom observes that "He has Torgo area!" which is a horrifying thought.

Of course there’s big ol’ Babs, who’s brute force and [cough cough] charms makes her a focal point for riffing. Her scenes on the island and during the wrestling sequence are pretty funny by themselves. But Mike and the bots add some more humor, with Tom fainting whenever she’s getting really provocative. Babs is just too much woman for him! I love Crow's comment about the scene below, "I usually have to go online to see this kind of thing. Like www.nakedgiantesseswrestling.com"

So what are the boys final thoughts on Horrors of Spider Island? Tom concludes that "By this point I think the name Spider Island is misleading". Crow adds, "I'm not just wondering if there is a point to this movie, I'm wondering if there is a point to life." Mike delcares, "Too bad we can't squish this movie with a tissue and flush it down the toilet". So yeah, they didn't like it too much.

The host segments are have some good moments. Things start off with Mike discovering that Crow has a syndicated opinion column in many newspapers in the US. Crow has a lot to say about not too much at all. Then Mike checks on the Pearl in Castle Forrester and finds out that the castle is gone! Pearl moved so she wouldn’t have to pay so much for Bobo’s monkey license. But the move has made everyone crabby and so Pearl inflicts Horrors of Spider Island on Mike and bots because she’s so cranky. At the first break, Mike is caught in a giant web. The bots tease him and enjoy the bounty of giant insects they’ve caught with it. At the next break, Mike and the bots hold auditions just like Gary in the movie. Pearl, Observer and Bobo all try out. This is probably the funniest of the bunch. Next up, the bots want to know that if you survive a plane crash do you become all helpless and whispery like the dancers in the movie. They test the theory and the results are predictable, but pretty amusing. After the movie ends, Mike has turned into a monster – kinda – not really. Meanwhile Pearl is moving the castle back, and they’ve stopped at a truck stop. It gets a little creepy from there on.

Mike just had to jump out of the theater, and now he's
caught in a web of deceit!

A couple of funny host segments just don’t help. Horrors of Spider Island is so goofy that it would be OK to watch without any riffing. But the reason for the show is so you get to see the pros do it. But I get the feeling that with only two more shows left after this one – the cast and crew just weren’t into it. The lack of energy and low rate of jokes make this barely worth seeking out. To me its even more disappointing because this could have been a classic episode, or at the worst, an average episode. But what we get here is a movie that is really asking for it, and a crew who doesn’t seem to be that interested. Its’ a sad mix, that that makes it below average.

I give this two Babs out of five.

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection Volume 11.

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996) - MST3K Review

Summary:

After the power goes out, Grandpa (Ernest Borgnine) tells his grandson a couple of stories about Merlin (George Milan). Merlin traveled into the present day to open a shop of mystical wonders to share magic with the world. Unfortunately his first customer is a bitter columnist named Jonathan (John Terrence) who doesn't believe in magic. Merlin loans Jonathan his book of magic spells - with disastrous results. 

Later a mysterious toy monkey is stolen from Merlin's shop. It ends up in the home of David Andrews (Bob Mendelsohn), as a birthday present for his son Michael (Struan Robertson). But every time the monkey clashes it's cymbals - something dies. Will the wizard be able to save the family and take the deadly toy back to Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders?

Movie Review:

This movie is such a mess it's hard to know where to begin. How about some questions? Do you like Stephen King stories? Did you like Poltergeist? Did you like The Princess Bride? How about that horror compilation television series like Friday the 13th the Series or Monsters? Do you like to watch old ladies explode? If the answer is a resounding yes to all of these - than this movie is made for you.

I think what happened is that director Kenneth Berton made his movie The Devil's Gift in 1984. Then at a later date (before 1996) he took edited footage from that movie, filmed a new story, and created a framing story of Merlin and his shop. Then he tried to sell it as a pilot episode. It never got picked up, so he made some more footage with Ernest Borgnine to create the Grandpa framing story for a direct to video release. Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders may have been released in 1996, but the mix of footage belies its origins - especially the 1984 footage - but I'll get to that in a moment.

So we've got an edited feature film, a new story, a framing story, and another framing story. It ends up making some sense, but honestly you can't expect a good movie out of this mess. What you can expect is one wonderful bad movie. I'm also curious as to what audience this is supposed to be for. The Merlin framing story is focused on magic and children and innocence. But the stories themselves are filled with evil and pet murder and disturbing consequences. These stories are really like the type of horror material you'd find in Monsters or Tales from the Darkside. But the Merlin framing story and the additional Grandpa framing story are targeted toward kids. I'm confused by this.

The first scenes you have in the film are the old lady drinking booze, and attempting to use her Ouija board to contact her dead husband. Instead she summons an evil spirit, you see the evil monkey and his cymbals. They crash and lightening hits the house causing it to explode. Seriously - first thing you see. Then it cuts to a kid watching the house burn on TV, while Grandpa Borgnine looks on amused. The power goes out and so Borgnine tells the Merlin saga.

The first tale about Jonathan the jerk columnist is your typical, be careful what you wish for story. Jonathan takes the magical book home and uses it to summon a demon, turn his cat into a monster and make diamonds. All this dabbling in the arcane accelerates the aging process and causes him to see a cheesy demon in a mirror. After a few panicky moments he finds a spell to turn him young. So he grabs his wife, uses some of her blood for the potion and drinks it. Of course he screws it up and turns into a baby. His wife, who's been pining for a baby the whole movie, scoops it up happily. This is so wrong on so many levels that it’s impossible to discuss them all here. Needless to say - Grandpa Borgnine is telling this tale to his grandson!

The second tale in Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders is even better. First of all it looks like the director was inspired by Poltergeist and Close Encounters of a Third Kind, because the whole family vibe going on here is very reminiscent of those films. The house itself is pure late 70's decor. Michael, the little boy is running around wearing shirts featuring Return of the Jedi and E.T.. The hair and clothes are vintage early 80's. It is so contrary to the rest of the film, which has a late 80's early 90's vibe to it, even the film stock is different.

So the monkey arrives and starts banging his cymbals and killing plants and a fly. It eventually starts working its way up the food chain, taking out the pet goldfish and poor Sparkle the dog. David goes to a psychic (who is extremely uptight and angry for some reason). She tells him he has to get rid of the toy without letting it know that is what he is trying to do. Then follows the infamous house-cleaning scene that has to be seen to be believed. The monkey does not go quietly. When it tries to take out Michael, the gloves come off. David drives the monkey to the middle of nowhere and tries to bury it. The forces of evil unleash. It pours rain; the ground opens up and tries to swallow David (or an action figure used as a stunt double in a few scenes). He escapes, only be crushed by a tree. But he's OK. You see, we still have to have the stinger, where the monkey comes back, brought into the house by a nice Grandma. Everything goes crazy, with earthquakes and flames and horror. And then Merlin (who's been inserted in this segment a few times asking people if they've seen his monkey - yeah I won't comment) finally shows up and saves the day. Again, Grandpa Borgnine has been telling this lovely story to his Grandson. WHY?

That's just the basic structure and storylines. The acting is questionable in places, but the scripts are so goofy I can't blame the actors too much. Borgnine plays the Grandpa part well, and his voice is perfect for a Princess Bride type voiceover, instead of a movie steeped in evil and horror - but he tries. The low budget is especially bad in the scenes with Jonathon, coming across like a cheap TV episode. The aging makeup is hilarious. The scenes where he is attacked by a puppetty cat had me on the floor laughing. The 80's segment is just as cheesy, but actually sports some creative editing and camera work for a low budget film. The scene where Michael is nearly run over by a car is actually edited so well that it builds tension for a few minutes. The director then ruins this with a nice goofy slow motion shot of David yelling "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!".

This whole thing, I can't really in good conscience call it a film, is a bad movie lovers dream come true. So many disparate elements coming together to create something so odd and bizarre - it was made to riffed on.

Episode Review:

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders could be my favorite episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 during the Sci-fi Channel years. The movie is a gift. The cobbled together nature provides so much fodder that you can't help but be fascinated by its entirety. It also helps the riffing, with so much going on and changing so frequently, there's always something new to point out, question or mock. Even my detailed review above doesn't do the episode justice. There are so many odd moments and effects and lines that I recommend viewers of bad films to seek it out and anyone who's never seen the episode to give it a whirl.

Mike and bots are in top form here, really letting loose with great lines right from the title screen. The "S" in "Shop" is done up in such a way that it looks like a "C". Leading Mike to quip, "Merlin Chop, 1 pound of Merlin now only $2.99". But the real joy comes from the Borgnine framing story and the moments when Mike and the bots reflect on how this story will affect the grandchild. They manage to throw those in when you least expect it. The first half of the film is pretty good, a solid 4 star effort. But once the devil monkey shows up in the 70's house the riffing escalates. There are so many great bits - Rock and Roll Martian, the housecleaning segment, the birthday party, the burial scene and of course the inserted moments of Merlin wandering the streets and showing people the drawing of his monkey. It's non-stop, and its consistently funny.

The host segments are also funny. The show opens with Mike and bots engaging in 1920's college pranks. They aren't going so well. Then Pearl receives an experiment from the Institute of Mad Science. She tests it on Mike and the bots, with Bobo as the control group. Bobo screws it up. At the first break, Tom and Crow are inspired by the angry bitter columnist. They start to review each other and it gets ugly. The next segment has Tom using Merlin's book, he wants to levitate an egg - but he turns Mike into a baby. This upsets Mike - waaaaa. The next break has a delivery of Ernest Borgnine's other children's stories show up. Mike and bots read them and are horrified. Contains the quote "They're eating his liver!" The show wraps up with Bobo acting as the devil monkey and failing. Then Observer re-enacts the housecleaning sequence with Bobo.

For me, there is nothing to dislike about Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders. The second half is better than the first half, but it ties together so well that the whole episode is gold. This may be the highlight of the season, and one of my top ten episodes. I give it five mystical magical Rock and Roll Martians out of five.

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection Volume 5.

Soultaker (1990) - MST3K Review

Summary:

Natalie (Vivian Schilling) just wanted to have some fun at Summerfest with her friends. But things go wrong after Zach (Gregg Thomsen) and his pal Brad (David Fralick) offer drive her home. On the way back, a mysterious man in black (Joe Estevez) steps into the road and causes the teens to crash. Amazingly they are unhurt, but now they start seeing the man in black (not Johnny Cash or the Dread Pirate Roberts) pursuing them. 

It becomes apparent that he is a dangerous killer with supernatural powers. One by one he hunts them down and takes collects their life essence. For Natalie there is no escape, because her destiny is entwined with the desire of a Soultaker.

Movie Review:

You know, Soultaker has a good story inside of it. You've got the angels of death wandering around taking souls. There is a hint of some kind of cosmic order, and an idea about reincarnation. There is a dark mystery to the title character, that hints at something deeper. The film could have been a lost gem, like Trancers.

It's just a shame that these kernels don't develop into a  successful movie. Vivian Schilling not only plays the lead but also dreamed up the story and wrote the script. She should have picked one roll over the other. The script needed another couple drafts by a writer with a clear idea of constructing a thrilling story.

But that leads to another question, what type of movie is this: straight horror or  supernatural thriller. If this was a horror film, then the Soultaker concept needed some streamlining. Something simple like the teens souls are jarred from their bodies and the Soultaker is coming for them. Now you have a prototype for Final Destination. If they were going for more of a supernatural thriller, more depth was required for the concept of the afterlife, the duties of the Soultaker, and the properties that a free soul possesses. Instead the script never has any fixed rules, and plays fast and loose to make things work. Because there are no rules, we don't feel any threat to any of the characters and any sense of danger is lost.

The acting is uneven. Schilling is pretty good as Natalie, keeping things fairly realistic for a character in that situation. Fralick provides a solid streak of sociopath for the drug dealing friend, Brad. Estevez is very good as the Soultaker. He is pretty menacing as he hunts down the wayward teens. But more impressive are later scenes where he adds a sense of lonliness to the character as he tries desperately to to convince Natalie to stay with him. Just like he did in his small part in Werewolf, Estevez takes the role and runs with it.

Our leading man, Thomsen is not very convincing. At the beginning of the film when he's hanging out with his friends and interacting with Natalie, he seems to be playing himself. But when he has to slip into serious protector mode, the effect is comical. Rounding out the cast is Robert Z'Dar as the lead Angel of Death. Z'Dar appeared in all kinds of straight to video horror, action and sci-fi flicks since the '80s and '90s. His features are perfect for an intimidating character. Unfortunately the film tries to make him mysterious by electronically altering his voice. Combined with his somber expression the effect is really goofy. Z'Dar made another appearance on MST3K in Future War.

Maybe the real deal breaker is the botched climax. The finale consists of the Soultaker chasing the remaining souls through a hospital. Because there are no clear rules for the souls or the Soultaker the audience has no clue what is on the line. What is the deal with the midnight deadline? How come souls have to open doors and can be affected by gravity? None of this is explored, we just get to watch our cast play hide and seek in a hospital. 

Still there is an ambitious film at the heart of Soultaker, and I kinda feel bad for coming down so hard on it. With a little more work on the script, this could have been a fun and memorable flick. Luckily there is plenty of great stuff for Mike the bots to delve into.

Episode Review:

Season Ten of Mystery Science Theater 3000 starts with a bang. They've got a solid sci-fi flick to mock and all kinds of special guests and antics in the host segments. I think the crew at Best Brains knew this would be the final season of the show and decided to do something a little special for this episode.

Things start off with a brand new opening credit song and title sequence. Now Castle Forrester is mentioned and you get some scenes of  Gorgo smashing up a building. This is a nice callback to the Comedy Central years that featured Joel and the bots watching a Godzilla film during the opening titles.

The host segments begin with Crow and Tom participating in a wet T-shirt contest. It's not what you think. Then the Satellite of Love begins to seriously malfunction. Mike and the bots ask Pearl for help, but she doesn't care and sends them the movie. At the next break a very annoyed Gypsy tells Mike that a mysterious ship is following them. Mike tries to take command but is less effectual than Captain Cameron from Star Trek: Generations. The next break starts with the Satellite hurtling out of control and our heroes in mortal peril. Unfortunately Pearl can't help because a Soultaker has appeared in the castle and is after Bobo's soul! Pearl takes matters into her hands and the Soultaker is revealed to be TV's Frank from the Comedy Central years! Frank and Pearl immediately hit it off and reminisce about old times (they were buddies in the Comedy Central years and delighted in mocking Dr. Forrester). Meanwhile, the mysterious ship saves Mike and the Bots.

In the next break the mysterious ship docs alongside them and it turns out that they are rescued by Joel Robinson (the original host of Mystery Science Theater 3000)! Joel and the bots reunite (with Joel even mentioning that Crow sounds kinda funny) and he tells them about his life after escaping from the Satellite. In the final segment Joel has fixed the Satellite and tells Mike and the bots that he can't take them back to earth. He feels that his years on the Satellite "made a man out of him" and that if Mike and bots stick it out, it might work for them too. Rejuvenated with that desire, Mike and the bots swear to carry on. Back on earth, Frank explains that he needs a soul. Bobo volunteers and then Frank and Bobo play a fun game of ring toss with Bobo's soul. Those guys!

As for the movie, Soultaker provides a ton of riffing fodder. The dated low budget special effects and silly looking props appear all over the place. Questionable acting combined with ludicrous  dialogue for some hilarious scenes. But mostly it's the late 80's vibe the whole movie has. Sure, it was released in 1990, but the whole look screams 1988. And as I've mentioned, cheesy '80s sci-fi make for some of my favorite episodes for Mystery Science Theater 3000.

In an odd twist of fate, this is one of those rare occurrences where the movie is almost interesting enough to distract from the riffing. The Soultaker concept is pretty neat and makes for some possible thrills. But in this case, it helps the show cook along at a good pace. The only real moment of slog occurs at the end when even Mike and bots are at loss with the endless hospital chase scenes.

It's a minor hiccup really, because there is so much to enjoy. The riffing tackles the oh so 80's Summerfest where Natalie and Brad meet cute. The visual effects of Soultaking provide plenty of comments. Mike and bots marvel at the oddity of Robert Z'Dar's face, wondering if he is storing nuts in his huge cheeks. They even provide extensive commentary when one character dares to imply that Led Zeppelin may be wrong. "What are you saying man? That Sabbath is wrong too?"

My favorite sequence of episode is when Natalie decides to take a shower. The bots get all excited the potential nudity. But then Crow gets something in his eye. He runs from the theater trying to find some eye wash. Meanwhile Mike and Tom tell him he's not missing anything at all - while the whole shower scene plays out. Poor Crow. The interplay between Crow and the guys is hilarious and Tom and Mike keep right on riffing the whole time. Great stuff.

In a way Soultaker is a great one for long time fans of the show. The special appearances by Joel and Frank always bring a smile to my face, and provide some good laughs too. Most dedicated fans rate this as a favorite based on the host segments alone. I find the riffing to be above average but not quite top notch.

I give this episode 4 soul rings out of 5.

This episode is available in the Mystery Science Theater Volume XIV.

Diabolik (1968) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Super cool super thief Diabloik (John Philip Law) and his lover Eva (Marisa Mell) are the most wanted criminals in Europe. Time and again they execute impossible jobs under the nose of the exasperated Inspector Ginko (Michel Piccoli). But now big time gangster Ralph Valmont (Adolfo Celi) is tired of the police coming down on his operations to find Diabolik. So he teams up with Ginko in attempt to catch the super thief and get him out of the way for good. Little do they know that they are dealing with a man who is a master of disguise, has a super secret lair, crazy gadgets and the endless devotion of Eva. It’s going to take more than these two knuckleheads to catch the uncatchable Diabolik!

Movie Review:

We’ve seen this before. Take one fairly good film – edit the crap out of it, and if it’s foreign make sure to dub it atrociously. Then slap it on VHS or on TV and make a quick buck. MST3K has thrived on these disasters in the past, especially in the form of the Russian fantasy films or the Japanese TV adventures. But another avenue for comedy are the endless 60’s and 70’s European rip offs for the James Bond franchise. Most of these were made in Italy and some even featured Bond cast members getting face time for a paycheck or two.

A little of that is going on here. Diabolik is actually based on a long running Italian comic book series about an antihero who goes out of the way to punish cops and criminals alike. This fits in fine with the late 60’s anti-police sentiment. The movie is filled to bursting with style and color and European finesse. The plot is pretty thin, but the objective was to make a movie as dynamic as the comic book it was based on.

But whatever success the movie made have had in its original incarnation is obliterated in this edited junk that Mike and the bots must endure. Taken out of context Diabolik seems like a madman, killing police and citizens because his Eva wants a necklace, or because he wants to steal some gold and thumb his nose at Ginko. Then there’s the ending, which leaves Diabolik trapped in gold and winking at the audience. So he’s defeated? The whole movie is spent showing you how cool he is and how dumb the cops are and you end it with him getting caught, kinda? Editing makes turns Diabolik into a mess.

The whole late 60’s vibe is extremely dated at times. The mocking of authority comes across as childish. Eva’s hair and outfits are so “cool” they generate laughter. I have to mention the club scene that would fit perfectly in an Austin Powers movie. It’s even got swirling lights and groovy music blaring. If you don’t know that it’s supposed to be over the top and flashy, the movie comes across as ridiculous and bizarre.

The dubbing doesn’t help. John Philip Law is obviously speaking in English as are a few other minor characters, but just about everyone else is obviously speaking another language and dubbed by the most grating voices that could be found. One of my favorites is Valmont’s arm candy who can’t stop babbling. Valmont snaps at her to “Shut yup!” so many times you start cheering him on.

Then there’s the music, done by the incomparable Ennio Morricone (famous for his work on Clint Eastwood’s spaghetti westerns). Morricone’s music is very catchy and distinctive in this movie, but it’s also very silly. With the opening credits playing to what sounds like a bunch of women singing “Dee Dee Daa” you just can’t take it seriously. It’s all very entertaining, but can see others finding it a major distraction.

This version of Diabolik is pretty strange, and if you don’t understand what it’s trying to be, a lot of humor can be found. But at its heart it’s not a bad movie at all. Fans of 60’s style and flash should find the unedited version and check it out – I think you’ll have a blast.

Episode Review:

We’ve arrived at the final episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Over its ten year run the show has had several finales. Some of them were your typical season ending episodes. Others were more important: the change of hosting duties from Joel to Mike, or the final episode done for Comedy Central. Sad to say that compared to those episodes Diabolik ends up falling a bit flat. I’ve been saying for the last few episodes that a lack of energy is apparent in the show, and here it rears its ugly head again. What should have been a real send off comes across as a middle of the road episode, one that doesn’t really celebrate the last ten years, but feels almost like the cast and crew going through the motions.

I’m getting a bit harsh here. It’s only noticeable if you compare it to episodes like Mitchell, Laserblast or even something like Overdrawn at the Memory Bank the finale of season eight. You still have very entertaining moments. Many of those will come for long time fans of the show, and appear during the host segments. Those who watch the show for the movie riffing will be a bit disappointed.

This is another case where riffing a movie that doesn’t take itself seriously to begin with backfires on the riffers. If Diabolik was made in the same spirit as Batman from 1989 or Dark Knight from 2008, it would have been a different story. But this is more in the style of the 60’s Batman television series melded with James Bond at his most over the top: You Only Live Twice for instance. It’s bright gaudy and silly and knows it. This makes mocking the movie seems kind of pointless. So Mike and bots best moments of riffing occur when they comment on how over the top everything is.

My favorite riffs come from Crow this time around and are all based on the musical score and songs by Morricone. During a guitar driven theme as a car races away Crow starts singing along to the music, "going down to the store, gonna pick up some bread". Then during the infamous “Deep Deep Down” song in the opening credits, Crow says, “You know I’ve been considering the argument presented here, and I have to say, Dee Dee Daa guys. Seriously” Tom and Mike nod in agreement. The song is played again during the love scene. As Diabolik and Eva face mash Crow quips to the song, “Deep Deep Tongue!”

I also enjoy the riffing on the high tech lair of Diabolik. When the secret door opens to his garage, Tom wonders how much he had to pay the contractors to make that thing. When Eva walks into a long plastic tube leading to the bedroom Mike says in an effeminate voice, “I love what you’ve done with the Habitrail”. Anyone who’s had a hamster as a kid will get a kick out of it.

But other moments just kinda drift by with fewer riffs or ones that fall flat. Some of the strangest sequences in Diabolik don’t get much mention. This riffing session is just adequate at best. I was in the mood for it this viewing and enjoyed it, but the previous viewing left me very cold.

This episode is better remembered for its host segments and frankly for fans of the show they are the real reason to seek this episode out. Things start off with Tom having issues getting his hover skirt to work properly. Turns out the Satellite of Love Employee Handbook was wedged in there. The procedure writer in me got a kick out of Pearls rules and regulations. Pearl then rigs up a joystick to control the SOL with. She is using it so vigorously that she breaks it, causing the SOL to plummet down toward earth. There’s no way to stop the fall, so Pearl decides to let Mike crash, but first one last movie. At the first break Mike and the bots have packed and are discussing what to do with all the extra Tom Servos around the ship (a nice little nod to long time viewers who’ve seen Tom duplicated many times). At the next break we check in at Castle Forrester. Everyone’s got a new job, Pearl is the new dictator for life of Qatar, Bobo will be working at the zoo and Observer… um well, he’s got a lot of stuff going on… really. For the next break Crow is scared of living on Earth, so Mike’s come up with a nice little song called “To Earth” to cheer Crow up. We haven’t had a good song from the crew in a while (Joel used to do that a lot more). It’s a fun one to end on.

The final segment has the SOL coming in for a landing. Everything starts going wrong, with pieces of the ship fall off. Mike asks Pearl for help. Her reply, “Look Nelson, move on. I have.” And she cuts the connection. The SOL crashes! Then we’re in a little apartment with Crow and Tom sitting on the couch. Mike is coming over with a big bowl of rice (a nod to his attempt at creating EXTREME RICE!). Turns out Gypsy now runs a huge company and is making tons of money. She was always the smartest one of the robots. While Mike and the bots settle in the watch a movie. Turns out its The Crawling Eye, the same movie Joel and the bots riffed back in 1989 for the first official episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

That final segment is one of my favorites and really it’s the best of the bunch (as much as I enjoy the song). It wraps up the show really well. It’s a shame the rest of the episode is really only an average effort. But as I and many fans of the shows will point out, even an average episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 is better than just about any average episode of television comedy. Maybe I hold it against the episode that it’s the last one, but I wish they had gone out with something like “Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders”.

Still I give Diabolik three gold encrusted super thieves out of five.

This episode is available on DAP

Squirm (1976) - MST3K Review

Summary:

This episode starts with a short, “A Case of Spring Fever”. Its deals with a dumpy guy who wishes that springs didn’t exist. Coily the Spring Sprite grants his wish. The main character soon realizes that the world is entirely composed of springs and learns the error of his ways. Coily sets the world to right, and our hero spends the rest of the short telling his golf buddies how great springs are. No kidding.

The feature answers the question, what happens when you combine a huge storm, a downed power line and big slimy worms? Mick (Don Scardino) is about to find out. He arrives in Georgia to meet with a Geri (Patricia Pearcy), a girl he met at an antique show. Things don’t go exactly right. First there’s Roger (R.A. Dow), who’s obviously enamored with Geri and who keeps butting in. Then there’s the testy Sheriff (Peter MacLean) who is convinced that Mick is a troublemaker – especially after the egg cream incident. Then there are the man-eating worms. They start pouring out of the ground and devouring hapless southerners. Will our northern gent be able to save the town from the “squirm”y menace?

Film Review:

Sometimes you just ask, what the hell is this short about? My summary for “A Case of Spring Fever” really doesn’t do this short justice, you should seek it out (with or without MST3K commentary) if you can. The whole thing is a really strange exercise about the importance of springs. Why? Were people doubting the need for these simple machines, or was this part of a larger film series that would include pulley-ee the Pulley Sprite and Inclined Planey the Inclined Plane Sprite?

It’s mildly interesting to see how many things in our world actually contain springs (even more so in the pre-digital world we see here). But the short belabors the point with Coily’s maniacal laughter and bizarre sound effects. Coily comes across kind of demonic actually and our hapless lunk-head is well, helpless. You also know exactly where the short is going within the first minute of the film.

The big kicker is right when you think the short is done, with Coily setting the springs back in place, the short just keeps on going. Our hero goes golfing with his buddies and spends the next five minutes of the short babbling on and on about springs. The short shows all his buddies bored out of their minds – seriously! The short ends with one of the friends about to declare that he doesn’t want to see another spring as long as he lives. Our hero stops him just in time and then shares a secret smile with Coily. Truly a bizarre little film.

“Squirm” is actually a movie with a budget and financed by a major studio (MGM). So it’s a bit more competent then some of the other episodes we’ve seen this season. That’s not to say that director/writer Jeff Lieberman is a master of the filmmaking art, but he does a respectable job with what he’s got.

What he’s got is oozy gooey worms as the threat. This makes the horror element pretty simple to execute, especially with the disturbing idea that they can devour you. Now the idea that electricity could turn the worms into man-eaters, that’s about as silly as you get.

There are a few missteps with the horror elements. For instance, the numerous close ups on the worms. Nothing wrong with that on the surface. But when you add roaring sound effects it just makes me laugh. Then there’s Roger, who after he’s been attacked by the worms, turns out to be a zombie worm face man. Um, really? Roger was actually kinda of creepy already what with is obsessive behavior and low IQ. But now he’s just silly looking with the zombie makeup and the even dumber lines he’s been given. Have the worms been eating his brain?

Odd characters abound in the film. You’ve got Mick, the thin and nerdy lead. I think that we are supposed to root for the guy because he’s the underdog: the northern gent in the southern town. He’s such a dweeb that you end up laughing when he’s in peril. On top of that he’s supposed to be our romantic lead, but he generates very little chemistry with Pearcy. I can believe that they met at an antique show, but I can see them more as shopping buddies instead of lovers.

Pearcy is shrill and overly southern. Yeah I know it’s a weird comment, but she’s putting the accent on really thick. We don’t feel frightened for her, but keep hoping she’ll end up as the worm food. Her mother played by Jean Sullivan is an over the top Southern Belle in every way. As the movie progresses she gets spacier and spacier. Then there’s little sister Alma, with her oh so hip 1970’s clothing and shoes. She’s a fashion disaster and uses the best 70’s slang in the movie.

You can’t have a southern movie without the stereotypical intolerant sheriff showing up. MacLean plays the part to the hilt; being a nasty jerk from the moment we lay eyes on him. He’s also into harassing waitresses with a slap on the butt and getting girls into his jail cell for some nighttime shenanigans.

To add to the 70’s feel the whole thing, you’ve got a wonderful Moog soundtrack. Not only does it instantly date the film, but it’s not even used effectively.

Lieberman does a competent enough job with the film. It’s not slow moving, but it’s not really scary. If you find worms icky, then yeah this movie is going to gross you out. If you find the Southern states inherently frightening, then you’ll be horrified by this movie. But for the most part, it’s just a silly romp with plenty to make fun of.

Episode Review:

Let’s start with the short. This little movie has been on the radar of Mystery Science Theater for years. Back in the Comedy Central years, it had come up for consideration. I’m not sure why the Brains never decided to riff on it, but they were inspired in other ways. A series of host segments for the episode “Viking Women and the Sea Serpent” had Crow masquerading as Waffly the Waffle Sprite, sharing the glory of waffles with Joel and Tom. Trace Beaulieu even adapted Coily’s vocal mannerisms and the goofy sound effect. Earlier this season Crow once again dressed in a costume and declared himself Droppy the Water Droplet for the episode “Future War”.

So the short is finally revealed and it’s just as silly as the host segments lead us to believe. The riffing is pretty steady, mocking our pudgy protagonist and the demonic sprite with equal zeal. After the zillionth time Coily yells “No springs” and laughs insanely, Tom quips “And No Redemption either!” After the world is returned to normal and our hero continues babbling about springs, Mike asks the question on all our minds, “Um movie? Shouldn’t this be over?” it’s a great riffing session and starts the episode with a bang. I consider it a perfect finale for the long history of mocking short subjects on the show. At the time Bill Corbett lamented that he only got to work on three shorts during his time playing Crow on the show – but now with Rifftrax he, Mike and Kevin tackle shorts regularly and to be honest they are some of the funniest material they’ve done. Check out the hilarious 70’s educational short “Drugs Are Like That” for a taste of the comedy.

“Squirm” is ripe for mocking and provides the team with lots of material to work with. All the characters get attacked: Micky with his nerdy feeble physique, Geri and her ultra skinny body, the slimy sheriff and the zombie Roger. Mike and bots also provide the worms with voices (much as they did with the bats in “It Lives by Night”) when they aren’t already roaring.

Even though the film is saturated in 70’s music and fashions they team goes lighter on the 70’s jokes and focuses more the extreme Southerness of the film. As I mentioned before, it feels like the director instructed his actors to play up the accents and behavior. The result is a movie that wallows in stereotypes and Mike and the Bots just jump on it, even allowing it to ooze into one of the host segments.

My favorite sequences mostly involve the ineffectual Micky. The whole scene with him ordering an egg cream at a diner and having to explain what it is to the waitress is odd to begin with. Mike and the bots just riff on everyone in the diner, especially the nebbish Micky and his fear of drinking the egg cream he just ordered!? Near the end, Micky is rendered shirtless, for the ladies I guess (just like “Boggy Creek 2”) and forced to wander around in the swamp. Mike and the bots are relentless on his feeble looking arms and the way he strains under the wood he’s bringing back. When he’s attacked by worm zombie Roger, all bets are off and the riffs come at both characters expense.

The host segments are varied. Things start with the safety check the satellite. Turns out the ship is very unsafe. Pearl then reveals that she will take over the Universe Fair, but will start with her local county fair. Observer and Bobo help with rides and games. At the first break, Mike and the bots discuss Coily and how he works in the grand scheme of things. At the next break, the movie is so Southern that it has caused Tom to transform into a Southern Belle! For the next break, Mike is inspired the movie to create his own mutant worms – turns out they taste pretty good too. In the finale Crow dresses up like the super 70’s sister in the movie and Pearl has Observer test out the bungee jump.

All told you’ve got an entertaining mix here. The movie and the riffing are a little better than average, but the classic short and the fun host segments push this into a higher grade. In my mind, this is the last good episode. But I’ll save my reflections on the final episode. For now I give this episode four egg creams out of five.

This episode is available on DAP. A Case of Spring Fever is available as an extra on the Killer Shrews disc in The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection – Volume Seven.

It Lives By Night (1974) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Dr. John Beck (Stewart Moss) would rather go on a tour of caves then spend some serious bedroom time with his newlywed wife Cathy (Marianne McAndrew). Perhaps it’s karma that causes them to fall into a chasm and John to get bit by a bat. At first it all seems fine, but after some bizarre convulsions and nightmares, John takes himself to see Dr. Kipling (Paul Carr). Kipling thinks that some pre-emptive rabies shots are needed. But when a nurse is murdered at the hospital John is staying in, we begin to suspect something else. So does Sergeant Ward (Michael Pataki), especially when he finds evidence of John at this and other crimes. With a death toll mounting Cathy wants to protect her husband, even if he is a man-bat.

Movie Review:

It’s a 70’s monster movie, so that mean’s it’s going to have that vaguely depressing dreary feel to it. While it moves faster than The Touch of Satan it isn’t far from the squishy antics of The Incredible Melting Man. We also get a doctor as the main character in this film, but instead of trying to help the mutating creature – he is the mutating creature. Still, there isn’t much difference between Dr. John Beck and Dr. Ted Nelson. They even seem to have the same wardrobe.

But let’s leave the melting man behind and focus on our winged mammals here.

This movie (also known as The Bat People) has a serious made for TV vibe to it, from the way shots are composed, to the style of acting. The whole thing feels like what you’d see late Saturday night, after you tucked the kids away. You might be hoping for some spooky fun, a few jump scares, and of course a mutating monster terrorizing a small town. Well you don’t quite get that. For a while it almost seems like Dr. Beck is a bit unstable to begin with, and his encounter with the bats has left him rabid and deranged. It almost could be interesting, but the movie tips its furry wing too early with Beck’s hand transforming into a furry long fingered freak limb. So we know he’s a monster, even if the movie proceeds to never show Mr. Man-bat until the end. Most of the time we get to see close ups of John’s eye, or reaction shots of his victims. Once you do see Beck fully transformed, running around in his oh so 70’s turtleneck and furry face, you understand why they kept him hidden.

The actors aren’t too bad, just kinda bland actually. Moss plays Dr. Beck as a kind of weasely guy, whose lack of interest with his randy wife and fascination with caves makes you want to slap him. When our hero is infected, Moss sweats a lot, flails and looks to be in a state of constant annoyance. I think he was supposed to be afraid, but it never really looks that way. As for his convulsions in bed – well you have to see them to really appreciate the full impact. McAndrew makes Cathy caring but ultimately a little too devoted. It’s pretty obvious that John is mutating and killing and Cathy just goes along with it. McAndrew never really allows us to see why she accepts serial murder. She just does, after sleeping with John and being infected too. Carr as groovy Dr. Kipling has the 70’s porn actor mustache and the demeanor to go with it. If I walked into any scene with him and a nurse or Cathy, I’d think we were watching a very different kind of movie. On the other hand you’ve got Pataki as the crusty and folksy Sergeant. He plays it well enough, but he’s so craggy and abrasive, you don’t end up rooting for him to catch John.

That’s really the whole trouble with this It Lives by Night (and Incredible Melting Man and Dr. Z for that matter), who are we rooting for? John’s a spastic jerk. Cathy’s a wet blanket who accepts her murdering husband. Dr. Kipling is sleazy. And the Sergeant seems more interested in tormenting John, and not really solving the crime. Without a likable or relatable character in the bunch, it’s hard to be pulled into the story and thus – be afraid. Modern horror movie’s take the same tactic, but usually provide unlikable characters because they are all going to get killed off.

The audience gets its sadistic thrill from watching jerks die. But in this film (and many of the 70’s monster films) that isn’t the case. There is just a dreary overtone that seems to say “Hey everyone in the world is an abrasive jerk. We’re showing you real life here man… well real life if Man-bats existed”.

There are other problems here. When we first meet John he is already in tune with the bats. He seems to hear them calling to him and is fascinated by caves. After we see that, he and Cathy fall into the little pit and he gets bitten by the bat. So are we assuming that John was already a little nutty? Like I said earlier, this actually could be turned into an interesting psychological script: John is obsessed with bats, and the bite makes him think he’s a Man-bat, when in fact he’s just nutty. But that angle is never taken. In fact his fascination with bats before the incident is never addressed. Am I over-thinking this? Sure. But I only do so because after Cathy is infected, she hears the same sound that John does at the beginning. She becomes obsessed with caves and wanders into one, then the credits roll. We assume she will become a Woman-bat. So that begs the question – was John already infected when It Lives by Night starts – or is he just eccentric?

I’ll end with a discussion of the dreams. Once he’s tainted, John has dreams of bats. Most of these poor little guys are being held by the wings and are looking for escape. I think the director hopes they look scary, but they look annoyed or afraid most of the time. There are countless shots of flying bat puppets, and stock footage of bats on cave ceilings. Mixed with super 70’s spooky music and you’ve got one hell of a hallucinogenic fugue going on. These scenes pad the film out, but they are so random and silly that you have to laugh. Coupled with the furry make-up for man bat and the finale involving dive bombing bats, and you’ve got a movie perfect for Mike and the bots.

Episode Review:

After the experiment that was Hamlet, the crew gets back to a classic genre – the monster movie. But instead of a 50’s one, like we got so frequently in Season Eight, we get a 70’s one. Season 10 has quite a few 70’s monster movies in it, with this movie, Track of the Moon Beast, The Blood Waters of Dr. Z and Squirm. I’m not complaining, it’s just an observation. It was probably a calculated move, especially since Hamlet was so black and white, they probably wanted something with at least some color in it -even if that prevailing color was brown.

Luckily It Lives by Night is pretty lively for a 70’s flick. It moves along fairly well, even with the padding of the dream sequences. It’s got characters that behave so strangely that Mike and bots have plenty to work with, even if we don’t get to see the monster till the very end. John is such an odd knucklehead that he’s perfect for riffing. He delay of sweet honeymoon action for a guided tour of a cave starts off the jokes at his expense. Really, what young newlywed male is going to act this way? During the credits we get a song (supposedly sung by Cathy) that is a slow folk tune. This gives our riffers the chance to add new lyrics and comment on the style. When we get to the cave tour and our heroes plummet into the chasm, well all bets are off. These people are too dumb to be nice too.

The riffing is pretty steady and most of it is amusing. Comments range from simple exclamations of “Squeak!” whenever John looks annoyed/afraid, to references to 70’s television shows that look like they used the same sets. The “Squeak” running joke had me cracking up, because the timing was golden and the expression on John’s face was just made for it. The dream sequences provide lots of laughs as Mike and bots provide some silly comment from all the bats being shown. They even use their rough and tumble animal voice (if you’ve seen The Giant Gila Monster episode, you know what I’m talking about) for most of them, and it works perfectly. I also enjoyed the climax when the Sergeant and Cathy are racing to a cave to find John. Suddenly a swarm of bats bombards the police car. At least it’s supposed to be a swarm of bats – it looks more like tomatoes. The Sergeant starts panicking. Infected Cathy looks vaguely evil. The result is riffing gold.

Still, you get a few quiet spots, or sequences that are too dreary to work with. As usually happens they show up in the middle section of the film. Also, there are quite a few 70’s pop culture references going on, and quite a few went over my head. So I think your mileage may vary with It Lives by Night.

The show starts with Mike and the bots painting the Satellite. Mike tests the theory that paint color affects mood. Pearl declares that she is not spraying poisons on the satellite. Of course she is and even Observers’ legal disclaimers can’t prove otherwise. At the first break Crow is determined to prove that he is more like Mary Tyler Moore than Cathy in our film. This sketch is worth seeing, especially when Mike does his killer Ted Baxter imitation. At the next break, Mike is rabid and the bots must administer a series of painful shots. I think they enjoy it too much. At the next break, everyone is inspired by groovy Dr. Kipling and grows a 70’s porn star mustache. Pearl is the test subject this time! After the movie ends, Tom has joined the Buddy Ebsen Hat Distressing Corporation. Turns out he might have been scammed. The show ends with Pearl giving a slide show about all her husbands - who died and disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

When I’ve watched It Lives by Night with my wife we both have different reactions. I enjoy it quite a bit, and she finds it funny but not distinctive enough to remember it. Her tolerance for the dreary 70’s movies is lower than mine, and I think you need to take that into consideration. So I’ll average the grade to reflect this. 

I give this episode three annoyed bats out of five.

This episode is available on DAP.