Gary (Alexander D’Arcy) is taking a group of dancers to exotic Singapore (or maybe it’s exotic dancers to Singapore… anyway) for a tour. Along the way the plane goes down somewhere in the Pacific. Gary and the girls are able to find a deserted island and explore it.
Before Gary can feel pretty good about living on an island with a bunch of sultry ladies, they find remnants of an expedition on the island. But it appears that the expedition was destroyed by a giant spider! The giant web gave it away. Seeing no sign of the spider Gary and girls enjoy their time – until Gary disappears. Now the girls have to fend for themselves and hope help arrives. Will the confident Georgia (Helga Frank) be able to keep buxom Babs (Barbara Valentin) and the other girls away from the Horrors of Spider Island?
Before Gary can feel pretty good about living on an island with a bunch of sultry ladies, they find remnants of an expedition on the island. But it appears that the expedition was destroyed by a giant spider! The giant web gave it away. Seeing no sign of the spider Gary and girls enjoy their time – until Gary disappears. Now the girls have to fend for themselves and hope help arrives. Will the confident Georgia (Helga Frank) be able to keep buxom Babs (Barbara Valentin) and the other girls away from the Horrors of Spider Island?
Movie Review:
I'm surprised SyFy hasn't attempted a remake. It would probably be an improvement. |
Let’s start with the basics, you know, the plot. This movie’s goal to was to show girls in bikinis and have them get attacked by a monster. So I wasn’t expecting Shakespeare (we already had that episode). it is about as flimsy as you expect. Characters are either broadly drawn archetypes (Gary is certainly the alpha male, Babs is the rowdy tough gal, Georgia is the competent one, etc) or they are just bodies with little personality, but look good in bikinis (most of the rest of the girls).
It looks like some thought was given to actually get Gary and the girls into the plane. The whole audition scene seems to be an attempt to show Gary and Georgia's relationship. Even the goofy "crossing the legs" move seems to be an attempt to give them some background. But after the ridiculous plane crash sequence, the movie devolves into the girls wandering around, looking pouty and being almost attacked by the silly looking mutated Gary. Even the injection of the returning expedition members, Bobby (Rainer Brandt) and Joe (Harald Maresch) does little to make the movie any more interesting. Mostly this is because the characters are so thin that you don’t care what happens to any of them. Part of this is the writing, but it also falls on the acting.
Georgia is too stunned by the battle of Babs to realize she is in danger! |
As for the physical part of the acting, well it’s about what you’d expect. The girls are good at showing off their assets. Gary is good at looking beefy and masculine. Even the two researchers are good at being annoying and jerky. So really I guess they all fit the parts, but there is silliness to the performances. Or maybe it’s the fact that they all know they are in a movie called Horrors of Spider Island, I don’t know, but the cheesiness goes from the script right into the acting.
"Captured by sexy women? Sure I'll surrender!" |
As for the ladies they are all pretty or sexy in an early 60’s European kind of way. Some of them will have more appeal than others, only because they get a little more screen time. Georgia is the smart one who takes command. Then there’s the sweet Ann who falls for Bob. And of course there’s Babs, the Amazon of the group. Tall, blonde and built like a linebacker, Babs intimidates all the girls and even stands up to Gary. Of course the filmmakers spend lots of time showing us Babs, and one of the movies key scenes involves Babs wrestling one of the other girls. Yeah – it’s a key scene for this film, which doesn’t say much. Oddly Babs and Gary remind of a low budget beefy German version of Anita Ekberg and Marcello Mastroianni from La Dolce Vida which was made the same year! Coincidence? I think not!
The professor was caught practicing his jazz hands. |
Flowery bikini or not, Babs will BREAK you! |
That’s funny because I get the feeling that Babs could kick the ass of any of the guys in this movie. If anyone demands respect – it’s Babs… well maybe not in that flowery bikini.
It was just a joke Babs. No seriously put down that chair! NOOOoooooo!
Episode Review:
And now you see the horror of spider island. Not too impressive is it? |
Yeah, you saw the “but” coming didn’t you.
But, this isn’t a great episode. It’s really lacking in a lot of areas and the big one is energy. There is a real lethargy in the riffing, and long stretches without much of a comment. When they do come they aren’t anything really memorable. In fact when I remember this episode, I remember the movie itself more than the actual riffing. Gary’s little leg crossing bit, or Babs, or Gary as a spider in slacks, or Babs, or the crash sequence, or Babs. But when it comes to specific riffing, I don’t remember much at all.
Upon rewatching Horrors of Spider Island, some of the funnier moments revolve on how sleazy the movie is. Crow asks, "Should we have on our filthy raincoats to watch this?" After the umpteenth scene involving half naked women writhing around Crow says, "This is too much, even for me. Can we see a couple elderly scientists talking for 2 hours, nonstop?"
"Hi, I'm Bob Boxbody." |
Of course there’s big ol’ Babs, who’s brute force and [cough cough] charms makes her a focal point for riffing. Her scenes on the island and during the wrestling sequence are pretty funny by themselves. But Mike and the bots add some more humor, with Tom fainting whenever she’s getting really provocative. Babs is just too much woman for him! I love Crow's comment about the scene below, "I usually have to go online to see this kind of thing. Like www.nakedgiantesseswrestling.com"
So what are the boys final thoughts on Horrors of Spider Island? Tom concludes that "By this point I think the name Spider Island is misleading". Crow adds, "I'm not just wondering if there is a point to this movie, I'm wondering if there is a point to life." Mike delcares, "Too bad we can't squish this movie with a tissue and flush it down the toilet". So yeah, they didn't like it too much.
The host segments are have some good moments. Things start off with Mike discovering that Crow has a syndicated opinion column in many newspapers in the US. Crow has a lot to say about not too much at all. Then Mike checks on the Pearl in Castle Forrester and finds out that the castle is gone! Pearl moved so she wouldn’t have to pay so much for Bobo’s monkey license. But the move has made everyone crabby and so Pearl inflicts Horrors of Spider Island on Mike and bots because she’s so cranky. At the first break, Mike is caught in a giant web. The bots tease him and enjoy the bounty of giant insects they’ve caught with it. At the next break, Mike and the bots hold auditions just like Gary in the movie. Pearl, Observer and Bobo all try out. This is probably the funniest of the bunch. Next up, the bots want to know that if you survive a plane crash do you become all helpless and whispery like the dancers in the movie. They test the theory and the results are predictable, but pretty amusing. After the movie ends, Mike has turned into a monster – kinda – not really. Meanwhile Pearl is moving the castle back, and they’ve stopped at a truck stop. It gets a little creepy from there on.
The host segments are have some good moments. Things start off with Mike discovering that Crow has a syndicated opinion column in many newspapers in the US. Crow has a lot to say about not too much at all. Then Mike checks on the Pearl in Castle Forrester and finds out that the castle is gone! Pearl moved so she wouldn’t have to pay so much for Bobo’s monkey license. But the move has made everyone crabby and so Pearl inflicts Horrors of Spider Island on Mike and bots because she’s so cranky. At the first break, Mike is caught in a giant web. The bots tease him and enjoy the bounty of giant insects they’ve caught with it. At the next break, Mike and the bots hold auditions just like Gary in the movie. Pearl, Observer and Bobo all try out. This is probably the funniest of the bunch. Next up, the bots want to know that if you survive a plane crash do you become all helpless and whispery like the dancers in the movie. They test the theory and the results are predictable, but pretty amusing. After the movie ends, Mike has turned into a monster – kinda – not really. Meanwhile Pearl is moving the castle back, and they’ve stopped at a truck stop. It gets a little creepy from there on.
Mike just had to jump out of the theater, and now he's caught in a web of deceit! |
I give this two Babs out of five.
This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection Volume 11.
I saw this movie without an MST3K lubricant. Just as well it seems. Yet, despite the buxom German girls in bikinis, I had forgotten all about it until your review. Perhaps that says it all.
ReplyDeleteYeah sadly it's not a terribly memorable episode of the show. I wish they had tackled it earlier in the run, I think it could have been a classic. Still Babs was fun to watch. :)
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