And then this happened... Radar Men From the Moon

We all love Commando Cody, right? Well, some people do anyway. Joel and bots kept referring to him as Pumpkin Boy. But what kind of caption can you come up with for this moment from Radar Men From the Moon?

And then this happened...

Robot Monster (1953) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Like many episodes from Season One, this one starts off with some Commando Cody and the Radar Men from the Moon. But instead of one episode, we get two! I know! Hold your excitement. In the first episode Cody (George Wallace) escapes from tumbling off a bridge and then finds himself once again pursuing the alien spies on earth. Meanwhile the lunar baddies send their thugs to pick up some more cash to finance their operations, but things go badly. Eventually they decide to kidnap Joan (Aline Towne) and try to whisk her away using a plane. But Cody is on the case and attempts a rescue. In the second episode he manages the rescue and continues to harass the gangsters. The moon men are getting fed up and declare this is the last chance for the loser gangsters. They attempt a heist and it ends with a car hurtling right at Cody! Will he escape this peril?

Robot Monster starts with little Johnny (Gregory Moffett) pretending to be a space man and tormenting his little sister Carla (Pamela Pauslon). He ends up somehow triggering an earthquake or something. Then dinosaurs from Lost Continent appear on screen and thrash around for a bit. Eventually we meet Ro-Man (George Barrows) a hulking hairy creature wearing a helmet and using bubbles to defend his cave/lair. Ro-man has destroyed most of the population of earth and is looking for the last survivors. These include Billy and Carla of course, but also the brilliant Professor (Jon Mylong), Mother (Selena Royle) big sister Alice (Claudia Barrett) and the rugged Roy (George Nader). The Professor has built a cunning shield to protect them from Ro-man.

But little Johnny can’t help but be curious about Ro-man and eventually gives away a vital secret! Ro-man goes on the rampage attempting to kill the rest of the family, but when he sees Alice, suddenly everything changes. Has beauty melted the heart of the beast? If so, is there a hope that these last people can tame the Robot Monster?

Movie Review:

She loves a man who looks like a hood ornament.

So here we are, deep into Season One of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and we have more Radar Men from the Moon to enjoy… or suffer through. You get two episodes this time and I have to say by pushing the action back to earth in these two segments you get less entertaining viewing. These two episodes consist of the evil gangster characters screwing up time and again. It is pretty funny that the evil moon men’s plot is foiled by lack of funds, and yet it is kind of realistic too. It has to be pretty expensive to fund an invasion of the earth right?

That said, most of the thrills here remind me a lot of the old Adventures of Superman television series, but with a rocket pack flying hero instead of the son of Krypton. The cliffhanger for the first episode, Flight to Destruction is the better of the two. Joan is trapped in a plane that is hurtling toward the earth. The evil gangster had pulled off the steering wheel (no I’m not even kidding) and threw it out the window. Then he jumped out wearing a parachute. Cody catches up to the hurtling plane, climbs inside the cockpit and attempts to do something. Joan just sits there watching when SMASH! The plane crashes and everyone dies and see you next time folks.

I can't decide who is less intimidating, the alien or
the gangster.

The whole time I’m wondering why Cody didn’t just pick up Joan and jump from the plane. Even if his rocket pack couldn’t quite compensate for her weight, they were probably close enough to the ground to survive a rough landing by rocket pack. Instead, when the next episode starts, Joan lifts up another parachute and jumps out of the plane. Um… really? Come on guys!

The second episode Murder Car, is pretty dull despite of its awesome title. It spends most of the time with lots of gangsters just doing gangster things and Commando Cody thwarting them. It all ends up with a car hurtling down a narrow road right at Cody and crashing right into his car and massive carnage. I’m sure he jumps out of the kaka-doody car at the last moment.

Most of the visuals are typical of these serials. The dialogue is still pretty ripe and goofy, which helps quite a bit. I especially like when the moon men berate the gangsters for being so useless. Kind of reminds me of cartoon villains hiring the dumbest henchmen they could find. Or when Calgon in Space Mutiny laments “I’m being undermined by my own disciples!”. Radar Men from the Moon feels like it is running out of steam at this point. The plot of these two episode is nearly identical and even the frequent fisticuffs are starting to wear thin.

Even the title card is in 3D!

Luckily Robot Monster comes right at us (in 3D no less) and wow is this movie something else. First off you have the alien being Ro-man. If you are a fan of classic horror monsters then odds are you’ve seen pictures of Ro-man before. And your first impression was probably the same as mine – he looks like a gorilla in a deep-sea diving helmet. Low budget monster gold, my friends, we have struck gold!

The monster costume for Ro-man pretty much spells out what we are going to get out of Robot Monster in general. It is low budget. It doesn’t make much sense. But it is so off the wall that it can’t help but being entertaining. Yes, Ro-man himself has a lot to do with that. Just watching poor Mr. Barrows wander around in that suit and wave his hands around his amusing. But when he gets the billion-bubble machine cranked up you know you are in for a treat.

Most of the film is filmed in and around Bronson Canyon, a Mecca for filmmakers on a budget. This location would turn up again and again in Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes. So I guess that makes Robot Monster a bit of a first. Roger Corman would come here for Teenage Caveman and Night of the Blood Beast. Decades later the cave would be the infamous cavern that houses The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera, a fun parody film heavily inspired by Robot Monster.

The camerawork is actually pretty good considering the fact that the crew was filming this with a new 3D process. When the movie was released it was actually praised for its use of 3D. It is no House of Wax but I can see how some of these shots of Ro-man and the billions of bubbles could be impressive or at least entertaining in 3D. So I would say it is competently filmed, especially compared to something like The Beast of Yucca Flats.

The Billion Bubble machine hard at work.

Where the budget does end up failing a bit is when the movie attempts to go anywhere outside of the canyon. Visual effects for the space platform are pretty funny. You can see the hand actually holding up the orbiter, no matter how much smoke they added to the shot. You also get a lot of stock footage in these scenes with rockets taking off (or landing when the film is reversed), as well as the cute stop motion dinosaurs from Lost Continent and the reptile battle form One Million B.C. (the 1940 version). None of this footage is blended well, so it just makes the whole thing look even sillier.

Luckily the acting isn’t too bad. The dialogue is a bit theatrical at times (and for good reason). But the actors tackle it gamely enough. Even the child actors aren’t terribly annoying. I’ve seen much worse on shoestring budgets.

When it comes to the sound effects, they work well enough. Most of Ro-man’s attacks and weapons sound like static or thunder. Stock sound effects are the name of the game here, but it all works.

What is really bizarre is the simple fact that the musical score was composed by Elmer Bernstein. Yes, the same man who gave us wonderful scores to The Magnificent Seven, The Ten Commandments and a couple of may 80s favorites Ghostbusters and Heavy Metal. How did this film score giant end up working on this goofy movie? Turns out Bernstein was under suspicion by the House Un-American Activities Committee, and was having trouble finding work. So he ended up working on low budget flicks like Robot Monster. It is good to know that Bernstein was able to bounce back with some late career classics, even working for Disney on The Black Cauldron.

I think Caesar Romero is hiding over to the left somewhere.

When it comes to direction and script, well that is where Robot Monster delivers (or doesn’t depending on how you look at it). Now this movie contains a huge TWIST at the end, and I’m going to SPOIL it because in order to discuss the plot, I’ll need to mention it. If you’ve never seen the film, don’t worry, the twist isn’t something like The Sixth Sense or Psycho.

The movie starts with little Johnny running around in modern times, tormenting his sister with his space gun and costume. Then the earthquake happens, and suddenly we get the post-apocalyptic horror featuring Ro-man and what is the bulk of the film. Then the final portion of the movie is when Ro-man’s failure at his job causes his boss to fry him remotely, and then Johnny wakes up. Yes, it is all some kind of dream.

I have to say this is kind of clever. It explains the stock footage, stock sound effects, and goofiness of the monster. All of this comes out a child’s brain while he is dreaming (after getting conked on the head after the earthquake, I think). The opening titles even appear over a bunch of comic books, hinting at another source for the madcap shenanigans we end up watching. Johnny’s subconscious fused all those elements into one 3D fantasia. This also excuses the strange plot points like Alice marrying Roy in a ceremony given by the Professor, the fact that little Carla is killed (how many times have older siblings wished their younger siblings into the corn field), and the billion bubble machine.

The post Ro-man invasion family.

So as wack-a-doodle as the movie turns out to be, that little end moment explains it all away. But that doesn’t make the movie good, just kind of clever with hiding the budget issues using a plot point. The movie has some issues with pacing. There are lots of scenes of Ro-man just wandering around Bronson Canyon as he searches for the “family”. Now this movie is pretty short, but those scenes go on way too long and really hurt any momentum. You end up wondering just how miserably hot George Barrows is in the fur covered Ro-man getup.

Robot Monster ends up being an entertaining if completely mental romp. I kinda wish I could see it in 3D as I think that would make the whole experience a bit more campy fun. Plus you get great lines like “To be like the Hu-man.” This is the perfect type of movie for Joel and the bots. But will the power of the Billion Bubble machine crush them?

Episode Review:

He rants and he raves, but it is so hard to take this
monster seriously.

In my mind this episode is the turning point for Season One. From this point on the riffing improves, the pacing improves and the way Best Brains approach the show feels more consistent. Joel and the bots feel less passive, just watching the movie and lobbing the occasional joke. Now they feel like they are participating in the experience, really building the humor in and around the film. It was something they did fairly well with the Radar Men From the Moon short they had worked on. But movies like Mad Monster and The Corpse Vanishes defeated them.

Robot Monster has so much going on in it, that they can’t help but use the wacky visuals and hilarious dialogue as a jumping off point for the riffs. For the first time the movie riffing actually surpasses the riffing of the shorts that precede it. To me this is the first classic episode of the series, and one that most fans will appreciate.

All that said, the pacing for the riffs is still on the slower side. Season One episodes just don’t have that wicked speed we’d get in Season Four and beyond. But there is plenty to enjoy here.

"This bra is just about finished."

The two Cody shorts provide some really good laughs, even if Joel and the bots feels a little sick of the whole thing by the end of the second episode. When the episode opens and Joel sees the cheat the director employed for the cliffhanger he declares, “That didn’t happen last time.” Crow replies with “They didn’t get the film back from the drug store.” Later on one of the moon men is talking via radio to the moon into what looks like a pinecone. Tom says, “One day it will grow and he will be talking into a tree.”

When the second episode starts up the bots start to lose it and try to escape the theater (something that happens again with Hobgoblins almost nine years later). Crow says it would be more fun to “cut an apple in half and watch it brown!” But when they get into the riffing Tom has a good one. Cody gets shot out of the sky and our robot friend says, “When you shoot down Cody do you call a park ranger, or an air traffic controller?”

Susy Derkins meets Space Man Spiff.

When Robot Monster starts with the picnic at Bronson Canyon Crow observes “Great a picnic at the slag heap. Thanks mom!” Afterward Johnny bumps his head and the dinosaur flashback/forward occurs. Joel declares that “it looks like outtakes from Mutual of Omaha’s 20 Billion BC.”

Ro-man’s cave provides plenty of laughs, especially his billion-bubble machine. When he goes up to his telecommunicator Joel gets excited, “Hey, they’ve got Asteroids!” Tom adds, “They must be advanced if they have Atari!” Ro-man then starts berating the surviving humans and says “Due to an error in calculations some of you still live.” Joel adds, “We apologize for any inconvenience we have caused you.”

By the time the twist ending is unleashed the bots are thoroughly confused. Crow finally asks, “I don’t get it Joel. Is it cool to make no sense?” Of course it is. But Crow will learn that in another season or two when he watches and Ed Wood movie.

Joel works the Cumber-bubble-bund.

Not all the host segments work for me in this episode. During the intro segment Joel provides a summary of the shows premise. This was something that happened quite a lot in this season. I’m not sure if Best Brains were concerned people would be confused, or if this was something Comedy Central insisted on. For the invention exchange, the mad scientists come up with a self-inflating whoopee cushion. Joel creates the cumber-bubble-bund, which turns any formal occasion into a bubble bonanza! At the first break Joel and bots discuss how movie physics and real physics aren’t the same. Commando Cody shouldn’t be able to fly… but neither should a bumblebee. This causes the robots’ heads to explode. At the second break Crow and Tom are Ro-men and Joel is the Hu-man. There is mutiny in the air… is it Space Mutiny? During the third break the bots are in agony over all the confusing elements of the movie, but Joel is digging it. He explains surrealism to them, and it helps them cope. When the movie ends Joel and the bots perform a pageant entitled, “The Life and Times of Ro-man, the Robot Monster.”

This is one of the best episodes of the first season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and makes for an easy recommendation. You get two Commando Cody shorts and a bizarrely hilarious movie. Compared to many other episodes this season it gets top marks. Keep in mind, I’d deduct one star from the review if you compare it to any later season episode due to the slow pacing.

I give it 5 (billion) bubbles out of 5 (billion).

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000: Volume XIX.

Twas beauty that giggled at the beast.

Don't be like the Ro-man, click an ad before you go.

The Corpse Vanishes (1942) - MST3K Review

Summary:

Time for another dose of Commander Cody (George Wallace) and his battle against The Radar Men from the Moon. When we last left Cody and his buddies they were on the moon and in some serious peril as molten rock oozed toward them. Luckily the heroes are able to escape to their rocket and return to earth. Once there Cody and his pals put their heads together to determine how to stop the radar men from completing their earthbound plans. This all climaxes to a scene where Cody drives his car over a booby-trapped bridge that explodes under him. Hence the title of this episode – The Bridge of Death.

In the feature film, Doctor George Lorenz is evil because he is portrayed by Bela Lugosi. He lives in a isolated house with a group of demented henchman (including a dwarf!). He and his wife, the Countess (Elizabeth Russell) sleep in coffins. See, it doesn’t get any more evil than that. Well actually it does.

Nosy reporter Patricia Hunter (Luana Walters) is looking into a series of dead brides who all collapse at the alter. She is convinced that it is not a coincidence. She starts to put together the pieces and they point to Dr. Lorenz and his laboratory. With some pointless help from the Countess’ medical doctor, Foster (Tristram Coffin) Patricia finds herself about to crack the biggest new story of her carrier. But can she be certain that the next corpse that vanishes won’t be her own?

Movie Review:

Pumpkin boy and lantern head in peril!

So Radar Men from the Moon hurtles forward with more crazy escapes, fisticuffs and gangsters working with moon men in a secret cave. In this episode the lunar action only takes up about the first third. The rest of the story takes place on earth, so some of the creativity we got from the previous episodes drops a bit. The gangsters take center stage and their explosive plan reminded me of something you’d see in the old Superman series from the 1950s. Which isn’t too far from the fact since this was created in 1952.

As far as serials go, this one has some entertaining moments, some silly moments and all in all meets the basic entertainment needs. The reused footage of Cody flying around in his rocket suit is good for some chuckles, and I love some of the oh-so-ripe dialogue that permeates the series. This also contains the scene which had to inspire the rant about serials in the film and book Misery. When I saw the car fall off the cliff I had to mumble, “He didn’t get out of the caca-doody car!”  The Bridge of Death episode isn’t something special, but it makes for a good appetizer for the film to follow.

Bela looms alarmingly.

I’ve got to be honest and say most of my exposure to Bela Lugosi is limited to his work with infamous director Ed Wood Jr. You know films like Plan 9 From Outer Space and Bride of the Monster. I have seen Dracula but found it very dull and slow moving (especially compared to Frankenstein and The Mummy from the same era). But Lugosi did a lot of work in 30s and 40s that folks seem to like, so I’m willing to ignore stuff like ThePhantom Creeps (although he wasn’t bad in that serial). Truth be told, Lugosi may be playing the same sinister role in The Corpse Vanishes but he does it pretty well.

I think the thing that works with this film is that the character of Dr. Lorenz is driven by his love for his wife, the Countess. From the start of the film, it is pretty darn obvious he is at the heart of the plot to kill young women and abduct them. His goal is to suck the vitality from their body and place it into his ill wife. The treatment works of course, and both become driven to keep her young and alive. The Countess is a shrill disturbing woman, but we can sympathize a bit with Lorenz. A good deal of that comes from Lugosi’s performance.

Wait, what am I doing in this movie again?

In an interesting twist, our hero is the dogged reporter Patricia Hunter. Luana Walters takes the stereotype of the cub reporter and makes it work. She’s clever enough that you hope she puts the pieces together. But she’s also annoying enough that you kinda hope Lorenz scares her pretty good.

Of course The Corpse Vanishes was made in the 1940s, so you can’t have a female lead get in and out of peril on her own. Enter Dr. Foster played by Tris Coffin. The part is underwritten, and really feels like it was added at the last minute because someone realized they needed a man to save Patricia. Coffin does what he can with the flat character, but he doesn’t seem too invested in the role (can’t say I blame him). There isn’t much chemistry between the two. So when the two start spouting lines about how deeply in love they are and how they can’t wait for their marriage in the last 10 minutes of the film… well you’ll do a spit take if you’re drinking anything. You have been warned. Don’t blame me for wet floors on this one.

The cub reporter and the grumpy editor? Two
more cliches checked off the list.

Atmosphere and pacing are the name of the game here. For the most part the film moves along pretty well. The creepy mansion where Lorenz lives is filled with shadowy hallways and macabre lighting. His minions are sufficiently odd and disturbing. I especially like his unsettling housekeeper played by Minerva Urecal. Her anger bubbles up higher and higher and drives her to commit the final act murder. Also worth noting is the ranting and raving newspaper editor Keenan played with gusto by Kenneth Harlan. I’m telling you now that this performance inspired John Mahoney to rant and rave in his role as editor and Chief in The Hudsucker Proxy. Hell, Patricia Hunter could have been the inspiration for Amy Archer in that film as well.

But if you want to see a film that really took inspiration from The Corpse Vanishes then you really don’t need to look any further than the Ed Wood masterpiece Bride of the Monster. No, seriously they are almost the same film, but with a different driving force behind them. Ed Wood had Lugosi’s mad man attempting to “create a race of atomic supermen who would conquer the world”, instead of attempting to keep his wife alive. But the story beats are the same. Mysterious events lead a cub reporter to a creepy mansion. She meets Lugosi and interviews him. She’s convinced he is involved but has no proof. So she joins forces with a dull man, and together they kinda sorta put it all together.

At least he isn't welcoming you to Fantasy
Island, right?

The later film has that outrageous Ed Wood touch that can’t be beat when it comes to bad movies. I think Bride of the Monster is one of his most entertaining films (not a good film by any means, but entertaining as hell). The Corpse Vanishes is less crazy, but I liked the angle of using the orchid to knock out the brides. And director Wallace Fox does a better job of creating some building dread in his film. So for creepy value The Corpse Vanishes wins. Not to say it’s a scary movie, it’s not. But spooky atmosphere was never something Wood really got right.

Eventually Joel and bots would come face to face with Wood’s opus. But before that, they would face Lugosi in their first season with The Corpse Vanishes.

Episode Review:

He's only mostly dead.

So we are, still in the early portion of the first season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and it kinda shows. It was going to take another couple episodes for the crew to really hit their Season One stride. So what you get with The Corpse Vanishes is an episode with some laughs, but not nearly as many as what you’ll find next season, or hell even in any episode from Robot Monster forward.

But lets take a look at what we do have. First up is part three of Radar Men from the Moon. Joel and the bots are still having a bit of fun with the serial (although the writing crew admitted that the whole thing was starting to wear thin for them at this point). But the level of energy in the riffing of this serial is still pretty high, and it gives some of the best riffing the episode.

Would you take orders from a guy dressed like that?

Some of funniest riffs occur when Cody and his pals make their escape from the moon and head toward earth. Crow asks them to “mind the space cushion” as the rocket hurtles into the void. Tom is puzzled by the remark and Crow replies, “It’s what they are sitting on.” In a later shot Tom wants to know why earth has a shadow and Crow is concerned that there are clouds just floating around in space. But I also like when Crow and Tom give a full fashion commentary of Commando Cody’s outfit. And when Joel asks if Cody ever lands on his head, to which Tom replies, “He’d stick like a lawn dart!”

As is typical of Season One episodes, the riffing during The Corpse Vanishes is laid back and meandering. There are a lot of quiet moments where the boys just watch the film and maybe chuckle a bit at what is going on. But there are some funny quips to enjoy.

Essence of bride... with a twist of lime.

When a concerned father of the bride is confiding in his fears to the newspaper editor, he says, “My daughter needs protection.” To which Tom replies, “Shouldn’t you have discussed that before the wedding?” Later when Bela is extracting the vital essence of the girl in his laboratory, Joel says in his best Lugosi imitation, “Now we can have the rich taste of bride any time we need it.” To which Crow adds, “It’s not just for breakfast any more.”

Most of the funnier moments in The Corpse Vanishes occur in the spooky mansion. A “secret” door allows the mad doctor’s hearse to enter undetected. This door is opened by the hunchback servant, who the boys dub Stanley after the garage door opener. Another secret door in a closet allows Bela to sneak into a bedroom and stare menacingly at Luana. Tom tries his Lugosi accent and says, “This is much better than my old door in the sock drawer.”

One thing the boys avoid here is any jokes based on Lugosi's drug problems. They do hammer on those a bit in their riff of Bride of the Monster, and the gents at Rifftrax go even further in their riff on Plan 9 From Outer Space. It is rare that I feel they go too far, but Lugosi's drug issues were tragic and to use them in the riffing leaves a bad taste in my mouth, especially after seeing Ed Wood and how Tim Burton handled the issue. Anyway...

As the movie wraps with our two protagonists tying the knot without a fear of mad doctors, Joel tells the bots “Don’t cry guys, its not a real wedding. “ Crow replies with “It’s the script that is upsetting us.”

Sorry Joel, but I wouldn't trust Crow with sharp
objects.

Like most of the early host segments you get some funny moments and some just plain oddball ones. The invention exchange starts with Joel showing off his chiro-gyro, a device to twist your head around for some at home chiropractic action. The mad scientists show off their flame thrower boutonniere. The first break has the bots chatting about the latest issue of the magazine Tigerbot, which features a full schematic of Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation. The next break has Joel and the bots playing tag. It’s pretty silly. When we next join them, Joel is letting Crow give him a haircut, while Tom peruses Tigerbot some more. Crow’s banter gets stranger and stranger, ending up with a clown car crash. When the movie ends, Joel challenges the bots to think of one good thing and one bad thing from the movie. Tom tries to think of one good thing… but his head explodes (and not for the last time).

All in all, The Corpse Vanishes isn’t a horrible film, and it offers enough for the boys to riff on. But the slow pace of the riffing is the detriment here. The frantic pacing of Radar Men From the Moon helps the riffing there move a lot faster. As a result the episode starts out fairly strong, but peters out before the end. Like all my season one reviews, I’ll rate this as compared to other episodes this season, but I’d deduct one point when compared to any other episode from season 2 forward.

Either he's been stabbed or just heard he's playing
Karloff's sidekick.

I give it 3 poisonous orchids out of five.

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Volume XVI.

Women of the Prehistoric Planet (1966) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Space may be the final frontier, but for the crew of the Cosmos 1, it’s time to head home. Admiral King (Wendell Corey) is in command of a convoy of ships. With them are the Centaurians, a race of aliens that look a lot like Asian people. They are treated like second-class citizens aboard the ships. Because they are tired of being oppressed, some of the Centaurians rebel and force the Cosmos 2 off course. It crashes into a inhospitable planet. Admiral King mounts a rescue, but because of the time lag caused by traveling near the speed of light, the rescuers don’t arrive at the crash site of the Cosmos 2 for 18 years local time!

King sends a rescue party consisting of Dr. Farrell (John Agar), Lt. Bradley (Paul Gilbert) and a couple red shirts. It becomes apparent that the planet is populated by prehistoric life forms, like giant lizards, enormous arachnids and cavemen. Meanwhile the lovely Centaurian, Linda (Irene Tsu) wants to explore the planet and meets the handsome young Tang (Robert Ito). He is a decedent of the crashed crew, and the only survivor. Can Linda convince the crew of the Cosmos 1 that Tang is a good caveman? Can Lt. Bradley stop making bad jokes? Can John Agar at least attempt to look interested in the role? And will we ever see the Women of the Prehistoric Planet or is the name a clever ruse?

Movie Review:

Welcome to Pre-hysterical times!

I don’t think anyone can deny that Women of the Prehistoric Planet is not much more than a low budget flick that looks like it was thrown together fairly quickly. Originally called Prehistoric Planet the title was not snazzy enough, so the producer decided a name change was in order. Supposedly, there is some additional footage floating around of women in furry bikinis, but the version here is devoid of any prehistoric women, sorry about that.

But the movie does score high on the goofy meter. It’s not as interesting as the similarly titled Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet (or the horrible re-edit Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women). It also lacks the scope of something like The First Spaceship on Venus or even The Phantom Planet. Instead it feels like a low budget cousin of all these flicks, but obviously made in America, with an American cast, instead of being a dubbed import.

Nothing like waking up to see Tang in the morning.

Part of the fun of the movie is the low budget special effects. The spaceships look a bit like metallic footballs. There’s some fun model work as they land on the planet. But the sets for the planet itself are pretty limited and make some of the sets used in the original Star Trek series look realistic. But even though you can tell they crew is walking over the same patch of set over and over again, it works for the most part.

For me the highlights of Women of the Prehistoric Planet are the alien creatures. We get a giant dinosaur like creature. Well actually it’s more like a lizard propped on a rock and superimposed behind the actors. It reminded me strongly of The Giant Gila Monster, but without the long lickery tongue. The lizard isn’t very convincing and the actors don’t help the matter. Even better are the giant spiders that attack the crew at the wreck site. These puppety creations are adorable, and you feel for the actors as they try to look terrified of them. There is also a killer rubber snake, but you kind of expect that on your prehistoric planet.

John Agar has this look on his face... the whole movie.

The sound and music in Women of the Prehistoric Planet are pretty average. They support the action well enough, but nothing really stood out. That’s a good thing actually. At least the music wasn’t so bad that I immediately noticed it.

As for the acting, well it’s a real mixed bag. I’m not sure what was going on with Wendell Corey. He was very good as Jimmy Stewarts police pal in Rear Window, but here he ends up talking fast and slurring a lot of his lines. You get the feeling he was here to pick up a paycheck, and wanted to get through the film as quickly as possible. Or maybe he was having a cocktail or two between takes and they started to add up. His “mannerisms” become so pronounced that it gets tough to understand him at times.

On the opposite end is John Agar. He does his usual performance style, a bit stiff with a heaping helping of smug. Well that’s not exactly right, he seems to be leaning more toward the wooden side of things here - also around for the paycheck. This would be the first time Mr. Agar would appear in a MST3K film, but it would not be the last. Season 8 seemed to be a regular John Agar-a-thon.

Gilbert's "humor" drives Joel to kill!

To bring some levity to the Women of the Prehistoric Planet we get Paul Gilbert, who constantly has some kind of silly pun, goofy story or pratfall to enact. He’s really trying, a little too hard I think. Most of his material isn’t that funny, and he keeps getting too much screen time. He’s probably as annoying as Sid Melton from Lost Continent.

But there is a bright side to the cast and that is Linda and Tang. Tsu and Ito actually have some chemistry, and seem to be having a good time running around the silly set. Tsu gets a bit more screen time as she interacts with other characters aboard the Cosmos 1. She has a natural charm that helps those scenes (even the ones with Gilbert mugging in the background). She also looks good in her cave-girl outfit. Ito plays off of her really well and you wish he had been in the movie from the beginning. Oh well.

"Um... guys, you can walk around this peril."

I do like some of the ideas in the script, such was the time lag because the ships were traveling near the speed of light. Some of the adventure moments are fun, with the rescue party coming across a boiling churning pool, or the creature attacks. I even appreciate the message of racial tolerance that comes up. You wouldn’t expect something called the Women of the Prehistoric Planet to deal with anything that complex, but the Centaurians and the way they are treated comes into play in the story and as a kind of message to the film.

Still the film does have its flaws. It moves in fits and starts, sometimes keeping things interesting by throwing in some fun visuals or an action scene. But other times it slows down to a crawl with long dialogue scenes that don’t add much to the film or spotlight Gilbert’s comedic antics. But compared to some of the other rocket movies out there, this one works well enough. It’s got plenty of fun stuff going on in it, and enough for Joel and Bots to work with for their final episode of the first official season of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Episode Review:

Rock me Tang-a-deus!

That’s right, no matter what the episode numbering says, this was the last episode of Season one. Due to a delay and some confusion, Women of the Prehistoric Planet appears to be the fourth episode of the series, but they make reference to Robot Holocaust in this episode and that wasn’t seen until episode 10. I hope you’re taking notes because there will be a quiz.

But this is a good thing, because as season one went along the riffing got better and better. Women of the Prehistoric Planet is not my favorite of the season, but it is a strong episode with some very funny lines.

"Any of you have change for a twenty?"

Some of the riffs are based around the low budget look of the film. But many of these are actually pretty obvious jokes, such as Joel commenting that the ships look like chrome footballs. But a couple creative riffs do make it in. Tom gasps when a crewman is attacked by a giant spider and says, “Oh my god, how horrible! To be killed by a plush toy!” Or when they find the downed Cosmos 2, Crow says, “It looks like an interstellar Denny’s”.

The boys get some good jabs in at the cast too, with the comic shenanigans of Bradley and the slurred lines of Admiral King taking the most hits. When King unleashes a long speech, Joel wonders, “Did you just get a shot of Novocain?” Crow theorizes that it was more like “a shot of Jim Beam”. After the first round of Bradley’s jokes, Joel the bots start dreading his appearance. He walks by in the corridors of the Cosmos 1 and Joel announces “Moron patrol!” One of the characters asks Bradley to stop joking and “Don’t be funny”. Tom responds with “Don’t worry, he won’t”. By the time we get to the half-way point of the film Joel and bots just start yelling “SHUT UP!” whenever he starts talking.

HI-KEEBA! Nuff said.

Still Bradley does give us one of the longest running call back jokes of all of Mystery Science Theater 3000. He tells an elaborate joke about taking karate lessons. It ends with him yelling HI-KEEBA! and falling on his ass. From that day forward, anytime combat antics occurred in a MST3K film, Joel, Mike or one of the bots would yell HI-KEEBA! It became a regular riff, and one that I’ve even heard on Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic. Hell, I’ve been known to say it when watching a combat scene.

But some of the best riffing in Women of the Prehistoric Planet revolves around the character Tang. And really how could the boys resist such a name? When Tang introduces himself, Tom adds, “I’m not just for breakfast any more.” As Linda starts interacting with him, Joel asks if she can call him Ovaltine. Crow has Tang explain that Linda needs to “stir me around or I settle at the bottom” as they swim in a lake. But my favorite moment is when they wake up in the morning and Crow declares “Wang, bang, thank you Tang!”

As is the case with most of the first season episodes, the riffing here is on the slower side and not quite as clever as we would get in the next season. Luckily the film contains enough goofy moments, silly dialogue and strange acting choices to provide riffing opportunities that the boys use.

Joel doesn't have a chance... or does he?

The host segments are a bit on the strange side. For the invention exchange the mad scientists create a raw meat restaurant, Clay and Lars Flesh Barn, where the cow is brought right to your table. They sing a disturbing jingle about it. Joel replaces the classic ship in a bottle with toilet paper in bottle. It’s perfect for your nautical themed bathrooms. At the first break the bots play This is Your Life with Joel (something they do to Mike in a later season). This interlude is interrupted by a Doomsday satellite hurtling toward their ship. The boys bring it aboard and try to figure out how to disarm it. At the next break the Joel and bots muddle through a instruction manual for the doomsday satellite and discover it was written by Isaac Asimov and then translated into Korean and then back into English. Needless to say, it’s confusing as all heck.  When we come back, they are still messing around the doomsday device and cut the wrong wire. Suddenly all three turn into Isaac Asimov… yeah, I’m not sure what they were drinking when they came up with that one. When the movie ends, the boys joke around and discuss the film.

Dr. Earnhardt, we hardly knew ye.

This would be the last episode with Josh Weinstein playing both Tom Servo and Dr. Earnhardt. While I enjoyed Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo a bit more, and I feel that Frank Conniff was a better foil for Trace’s Dr. Forrester, I still enjoyed Weinstein’s work. He’s a funny guy, and was obviously an important part of the show in its first season. Eventually he would join Joel, Trace and Frank as part of Cinematic Titanic a couple decades later.

Women of the Prehistoric Planet is one of those episodes that sometimes works for me really well and other times leaves me a bit cold. It suffer a bit from the Season 1 syndrome, but it is one of the better paced episodes of the season. I had fun with it this time, so I think…

I think Linda has had enough of Bradley's puns too.

I give it 4 HI-KEEBAs out of five

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection, Volume 9.

The Crawling Eye (1958) – MST3K Review

Summary:

The film begins with a couple climbers on a mountain in Switzerland being attacked by an off-screen horror. Whatever attacks them enjoys lopping off heads. Luckily Dr. Alan Brooks (Forrest Tucker) arrives shortly after to set things right. On the train he meets the lovely Pilgrim sisters, Ann (Janet Munro) and Sarah (Jennifer Jayne). Ann is a physic who travels and puts on demonstrations of her uncanny abilities, but something has drawn her to the mountain.

Meanwhile Tucker meets with some of his old scientist pals in their super high tech observatory on the mountain. They’ve been noticing some bitterly cold fog that appears to move in unnatural ways around the mountain. Soon enough more climbers are decapitated, missing climbers turn up acting strangely, Ann is called to the mountain and Tucker shouts at folks a bunch of times. The fog rolls in and with it the horrifying Crawling Eye. Will Forrest be able to save the village from this bizarre menace?

Movie Review:

The crawling eye... and brain... and tentacles?

In the long line of disembodied body parts that have come to life and tried to kill people, the enormous eyeball is rarely seen. Sure the gigantic Pancreas was all the rage, and who can forget the horror of the huge earlobe that tried to smash the city of Denver flat in the hit film “The Skulking Earlobe”. These are crowd-pleasing body parts that everyone loves to see go rogue and destroy towns. But the eyeball, well it just doesn’t get the exposure that others do. It was really quite daring for director Quentin Lawrence to pick it as the main antagonist.

What I’m saying is that The Crawling Eye is ridiculous. So why the hell is it so serious? Why spend the whole movie hiding the eponymous creature? Why have a psychic if you aren’t going to do anything interesting with her? Oh, we can ask these questions all day, but the answers are shrouded in mystery. Or you can just say, it was the 1950s and that is just how these types of movies were made.

That’s why bad movie watchers love them. If you’re up for the typical slow (tension free) build, the stiff acting, the doughy white hero and the hilarious creature in the final 10 minutes than it’s one to seek out. But at the same time, it could have been a bit more fun than it turned out to be.

Ann getting all psychic.

Like most movies of the era, The Crawling Eye is one talky monster movie. A huge amount of time is spent with characters that are basically fodder for the creature. We don’t really get to know them well, but we sit there and listen to them babble for scenes that run too long. There are hints at things that seem to be important. Brooks speaks about a something similar occurring in an expedition to the Andes, but nothing comes of it other than a sense that he must right a wrong from his past. Ann is given a huge build up with her psychic powers. But the filmmakers don’t let her do anything with it other than turn her into a damsel in distress. She didn’t need powers to be that. Her sister is there to look concerned and grave and… not much else. There’s even another male character to end up with Ann, and get some action scenes, but he’s so bland I can’t even remember his name.

Then you’ve got Tucker’s performance as Brooks. It’s typical 50s beefy male hero, who shouts a lot, is very earnest and punches a few people to get things done. In some ways he’s like Cal from This Island Earth but older and without the sonorous voice. Of course he figures out how to stop the creatures, when it’s been painfully obvious to the audience what’s going on. He acts like it’s a revelation, and we’re supposed to be impressed. Mostly I’m wondering if he felt silly doing battle with the tentacles in the finale scene.

Dry alien eyes? Try MST3K brand eye drops.

As for our creatures, well they are a hoot. Yes, they have an eye and they crawl, but they also have some kind of fleshy body that looks like a brain and tentacles that flail around and lift people up. These creatures are portrayed by puppets for the most part. The film does some fun things with them. When they finally show up near the end, you wish they had been present much earlier. A film like Fiends Without a Face did a much better job of creating horror with it’s devilish killer brains and spinal cords, and made them visible earlier in the film to great advantage.

The music in The Crawling Eye was actually pretty fun. It’s big, bombastic and injects some thrills and tension where they are needed. It kind of reminds me of the work of Albert Glasser without all the march-style tracks.

With a premise so silly you kind of wish the movie had embraced the inherent fun. Alas it seems to stumble along and never engage as it should. Luckily there is enough to riff on, and Joel and the bots are on hand for their first official riffing session for Comedy Central.

Episode Review:  

Forrest Tucker in a rare moment not shouting.

For the most part this episode will be a fan favorite because it was the very first episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Comedy Central. Prior to this, the show existed only on a cable access station in Minneapolis. This was the first crack that the crew at Best Brains had with their “cow town puppet show”. So they revamped the look of the robots, the sets, the premise, and then picked what they felt would be the iconic movie.

The Crawling Eye in a lot of ways is exactly what you’d expect to find on Mystery Science Theater 3000. It’s black and white. It’s got a ridiculous and yet memorable monster. It’s got star power in the form of Forrest Tucker. It’s completely serious and yet completely goofy. It was an excellent pick to start the series proper.

But keep in mind this is the first episode of the first season. And it is pretty rare that what you see here is the best representation of the series. While the basics are in place, it wouldn’t be until Robot Monster that season one really felt like it was taking off. But that doesn’t mean you can write this episode off.

The main issue with season one episodes is that the riffing is pretty sparse and tends toward comments that observe the action on the screen, instead of actually making a joke based on the action. For example, when some fake looking clouds descend down the matte painting of the mountain, you get Joel and the bots saying something like, “Wow those clouds look fake on Mt. Matte Painting”. While a season two episode would have Crow yelling, “Hey Earl stop smoking behind the matte painting, we’re rolling!” or something like that. These observations became known as “State Park Jokes”, and this episode has quite a few of them.

Joel and the bots are right under that arrow, honestly!

Season one’s pacing feels more like folks watching the movie for the first time and chiming in here and there, instead of the well oiled riffing machine that would evolve later. So there are long stretches of riff free action in The Crawling Eye. It wouldn’t be so bad if the movie weren’t so dull and so afraid to show it’s main monsters.

But there are some gems here. The opening credits contain a strange set of imagery, with arrows pointing at various members of the cast. When the “Directed By” credit appears, the arrow seems to be pointing at Joel and the bots, so they call out “Directed by us!”. The presence of Forrest Tucker leads to all kinds of F Troop jokes. Having never been a fan of the show, most of those went over my head, but they didn’t go crazy with them. In a scene where a snow globe is used a prop during one of Ann’s psychic performances, Crow adds, “Hey when you shake it, the climber’s heads come off.” Later on, Ann is using her ability to see the fate of two climbers. We cut from her babbling to scenes of the men doing exactly as she describes. Of course they get attacked in the fog. Tom realizes, “Hey maybe she’s controlling them. If she shuts up maybe they’ll be OK.”

To be honest the first half of The Crawling Eye is pretty weak. The riffing is infrequent and the state park jokes abound. The second half kicks in with one of the climbers returning to the cabin. This is were things get rolling. This clown is possessed by the creatures and goes around with one eye shut and trying to kill Ann. With his squinty eye and his murderous glowering, the boys start making Popeye jokes. Then there is the fiery finale with Forrest Tucker running around shouting, throwing Molotov cocktails, and battling tentacles. The eye puns come fast and furious. But one of my favorite riffs comes from Crow. Tucker is ordering the ingredients for the Molotov cocktails, and calling the local NATO base for a firebombing. As he barks orders over the phone Crow adds, “Also, deliver six tons of onions and a giant eye chart.”

Undead climber or murderous Popeye?

When it comes to performances in the host segments by our crew, everyone is pretty much in character. Josh Weinstein as Dr. Ernhardt and Trace Beaulieu as Dr. Forrester have the mad scientist shtick down pat. I was never a huge fan of Ernhardt’s character, but he is supposed to be annoying. I just think Weinstein did it too well. However Weinstein makes a great Tom Servo, and some of his riffing is top notch. Josh was only part of the show for this season, but he provided plenty of laughs and his work in the first episode is proof that he was a welcome member of the team. It wasn’t a surprise when he joined Joel Hodgson for his most recent riffing project Cinematic Titanic.

The Crawling Eye also brings us the Joel Robinson character fully formed. Hodgeson pretty much played himself for his entire run of the show, but it was nice to see the more fatherly relationship with the bots already in place in this first episode. Joel’s good-natured riffing is also obvious here, with few of the more aggressive riffs that would become a hallmark of the later years. Trace’s performance as Crow is also exactly what you’d expect. I think there is quite a bit of Crow in Trace and so the character was easy for him to express. All in all, most of the characters are in place in this first episode.

Joel quizes the bots about the film.

While the performances during the host segments are handled well, the segments themselves are pretty rough. This was typical of the first season, most of the host segments just doesn’t click like they did in later seasons. One of the things I always forget is that in these early episodes the mad scientists controlled the experiment, so you’d always start with them babbling about something or other. It works fine in this first episode, as they establish the premise of them controlling Joel’s fate on the Satellite of Love and the experiments with the bad movies. The first segment focuses on this and the invention exchange. Joel creates an Electric Bagpipe, which is a leaf blower and bagpipe combination. The mads come up with the ultimate antiperspirant, which turns you into a dog, because dogs don’t sweat. Dr. Ernhardt demonstrates and starts panting almost immediately. At the first break, Joel has to explain to the bots why humans die if they are decapitated. The second break Gypsy uncoils herself and makes a huge mess. At the third break Joel has to explain why a giant eyeball is horrifying to humans. This turns into a funny discussion on what kind of world would lead to the evolution of a giant eyeball as a dominant life form. The final host segment has Joel asking the robots to give him one good thing and one bad thing about the movie. If they do, they get a ram chip. Of course even the “good things” about the movie are backhanded compliments. This ram chip segment was something that occurred in a few season one episodes.

The Crawling Eye is definitely an episode that will intrigue fans of the show. It’s neat to see this first episode of a favorite series. But for casual fans, all the typical season one issues are here. It’s a slow movie, with a casual riffing session and host segments that aren’t terribly entertaining. I end up comparing the season one episodes to each other, but deduct one star when comparing to the entire series.

I give this one three headless mountain climbers out of five.

This episode is available on Mystery Science Theater 3000: Volume XVII boxset.