And Then This Happened... Star Trek: The Original Series

When it comes to exploring strange new worlds you have to make sure dress appropriately. It helps to be color coded, so you know if you are going to be the first to die on the away mission. Always make sure you have enough room in the slacks. This comes in handy when rolling away from enemy creatures, you won't tear the seat of your pants. Yes, the rolling does help!

But most of all don't dress like you just stepped out of the 1960s version of Ivanhoe because that kind of "uniform" is just going to draw attention to the fact that you are, in fact, an alien.

Well leave it to the crew of the Enterprise to make a tactical blunder here... or did they? Provide a caption to this moment from the classic episode Shore Leave.

And then this happened...

Fantastic Voyage (1966)

Introduction:

I remember seeing this film when I was a kid and really being intrigued by it. I had a science book that used the same concept, following heroic adventures into the human body to see how it all worked. But this movie brought that whole concept to life and in such vivid color! I revisited the film in the mid-1990s and found it really slow to get started and kinda silly. But when I found out my wife had never seen it, I decided to give it another spin.

Summary:

When a key soviet defector is ambushed, the attack causes a dangerous clot in the man’s brain. He falls into a coma. With vital security information locked away in the man’s mind, a super secret agency springs into action. They have perfected the science behind miniaturization, and with the proper tools (including state of the art submarine and a laser) they think they can destroy the clot from within.

But the process is still very experimental and anything can go wrong. On top of that, the miniaturization process only lasts for a limited time. If they don’t make it to the retrieval point, the will return to normal size within the man! While the special effects are the star of the show you also get Raquel Welch in a skintight jumpsuit and Donald Pleasence as a twitchy scientist who realizes he may be in over his head. Can the heroic scientists save the western world and survive the Fantastic Voyage?

Good Points:

• Some amazing visual effects for its time
• Once the voyage begins, the action moves along well
• A fun and enjoyable concept

Bad Points:

• Due to knowledge limitations of the time, some of the visuals are incorrect
• Leonard Rosenman’s score may be so modern it is distracting
• Takes a while to set up the premise

Overall:

This is still a fun film. Yes the set up seems a bit long-winded now, but like Tron it was describing a new sci-fi concept for viewers of the time. The voyage itself is a blast, with some wonderful visual effects work from the miniaturization to the attack by the antibodies. There are a few holes in the plot and some over baked intrigue, but it adds to the fun. Well worth checking out (or revisiting) for an entertaining sci-fi adventure.

Scores (out of 5)

Visuals: 5

Sound: 4

Acting: 3

Script: 4

Music: 4

Direction: 3

Entertainment: 4

Total:  4

Curious about a full review, sent me an email and I’ll make additional thoughts to this review.

Gamera vs. Barugon (1966) - MST3K Review

Summary:

This Gamera flick picks up right where the first one left off, with Gamera, the giant rocket powered turtle, being shot into space in a rocket. Before you can say “watch out for that tree!” a meteor crashes into the rocket and Gamera is free to return to earth and wreck a little havoc.

While all this is going on three men journey to an island in the South Pacific to find a giant opal. One of men, Onodera (Koji Fujiyama) is a real jerk and wants the gem all to himself. So he kills his buddies and returns to Japan. Little does he know that Kawajiri (Yuzo Hayakawa) survives the attempted murder. A lovely girl named Karen (Kyoko Enami) tells him that the opal is actually the egg of a wicked creature called Barugon. Now that egg is headed to Japan, and hatches! Barugon is a large reptilian beast that has a long chameleon-like tongue that can spray a freezing blast. In addition this monster can fire a very FABULOUS rainbow beam that destroys anything it touches. Barugon starts to really trash Osaka. Kawajiri and Karen attempt to work with the Japanese military to stop Barugon using an enormous diamond. But the wicked Onodera is still around and when he finds out about the diamond his greed gets the better of him. Oh yeah, and Gamera decides to waltz in at the end and actually give us the title Gamera vs. Barugon, but only because Onodera the Greedy Bastard just wasn’t as catchy a title. Prepare yourself for intrigue, mayhem and lots of tonguing in this film. Just don’t prepare yourself for much Gamera.

Movie Review:

"Gamera comes running for the creamy taste of flames."

The first time I watched this episode I thought that maybe I wasn’t in the right mood for it. Gamera vs. Barugon seemed like a dull slog of a movie. I wasn’t a huge fan of the first Gamera film, but it seemed to have a bit more life than this movie. Sadly, this second viewing only confirmed it. This second Gamera flick just doesn’t work for me.

Part of the problem is that the monster action gets seriously sidelined for a good portion of the film. Gamera himself only shows up about three times. Each time his appearance is abbreviated. His battles with Barugon just don’t amount to much more than the two rolling around. Yeah Barugon gets the upper hand on their first meeting, but even the thrilling backdrop of Osaka castle doesn’t help the thing: it just kind of a bland affair.

Barugon himself really seems like an odd creation. His lizard-like body is interesting, and I like his long tongue attack. But the freezing blast and rainbow beam – well it just seems extremely goofy. Of course calling anything Gamera related “goofy” is redundant. Keep in mind; the series eventually delivers a monster with a head shaped like a knife. The rainbow blast just reminds me of all those rainbow themed kid focused art, stickers, and shirts of the 1970s and early 80s. That isn’t’ the creators fault, but that is the side effect here. Barugon blasts Gamera with his super sparkly happy rainbow beam. The Care Bear Stare LIVES!

I don't think Kermit had this in mind when he sang, "The
Rainbow Connection."

So it seems that the “versus” part of Gamera vs. Barugon is flat, but what about the rest of the movie. Well this is the only movie in the original franchise that does not feature a small child somehow involved in the story. Instead all the human characters are adults. Normally I think that is a great idea, since an over abundance of kids can drive me batty (I’m looking at you Prince of Space). But Gamera actually works best when the kids get in on the action. Without even a kid like the annoying Kenny of Gamera running around, things just don’t seem as fun.

Instead you get the thuggish and greedy Onodera, who is just a jerk from the moment you meet him. His greed drives many of the nasty consequences in the film. Even Barugon’s rampage can be put on this guy’s shoulders. Fujiyama gives a good performance, and you really detest the guy before he is finally devoured by Barugon (in one of the best death scenes in the entire series). Kawajiri is our stalwart hero. He’s a bit rough around the edges but has a heart of gold. He does seem to be easily discouraged though. After his plot to defeat Barugon fails, he just crumbles. Enami as Karen is an interesting character. She’s an islander who knows all about Barugon and tells us about his history and his abilities. She also comes up with an idea to drown the giant creature, but it doesn’t go well, and she breaks down too. See, this is why we need the little determined kids to show these adults that giving up is not an option!

"Oh no, he thinks it's a fire hydrant!"

Gamera vs Barugon is in rich color and that does help the film a bit. Since the previous film was in black and white, I can see why the creators went with an extremely colorful attack for Barugon. But the color also helps when we see Gamera rampage at the beginning of the film. His flames now have real heat to them. We even get some gore in this flick when the monsters have their final showdown, and this stuff is also rich in color. This style will set the tone for the following Gamera films, which all went big and loud with the colors.

Model work in the film is pretty darn impressive too. I love the Osaka castle model during the first face off between Barugon and Gamera. That thing looks so cool. But the port of Osaka gets really trashed by Barugon too, and the entire sequence is pretty impressive.

Alas, the dubbing in this film is about as poor as it was in Gamera. Some of the cast sounds bored to tears. Other folks sound confused by the lines and the whole concept of the Gamera film. Once again, the villain gets the best performance, with the voice actor chewing the scenery and providing some unintentionally funny moments with his hyper-intense performance. Some of the dub script is just bizarre and nonsensical, and that always works for some laughs.

Way too much screen time is spent with these
two.

Unfortunately the real issue with Gamera vs Barugon is the pacing. This movie just drags. The script set up with the search for the opal and the aftermath takes up way too much screen time. The human characters aren’t that interesting. The plots they come up with to defeat Barugon aren’t too interesting. The script meanders from scene to scene. In a lot of ways it seems to be following the template from Gamera, but with Barugon in the title role. It’s an odd choice, especially since Gamera is still wandering around, but in the world of the film he just… um… is sleeping or something.

The movie just doesn’t deliver what it promises: two huge monsters slugging it out in Japan. Yeah it eventually happens, but it is too little and too late. The film seems slower than Gamera, and has a less interesting script than that film. But the scope is bigger in Gamera vs Barugon and the addition of color and some amazing model work makes this a slightly more entertaining film. But only by a little bit. Still all these colorful additions may be just what Joel and bots ordered for their second tackle of this turtle-tastic film.

Episode Review:

"He's making everything Christmasy."

So Season Three continued to truck along with Gamera films, and the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew was ready and raring to go. In some ways I think the addition of color energized their riffing efforts a bit. At the same time, the human side of the story didn’t give them nearly as much to work with. Kenny was the main focus of their riffing in Gamera and with him gone from the film (and no surrogate in sight) I think they found the film a bit harder to write jokes for.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t laughs to be found in Gamera vs Barugon. This episode has plenty of great riffing. It just feels like the best moments are ones when either Gamera or Barugon is on the screen. Sadly, that just doesn’t happen that often in the middle portion of the film.

When the boys realize the film is in color Crow quips about Gamera, “You know in color I thought he’d be a strawberry blonde.” But once Gamera disappears from the film, Tom asks Joel, “Wasn’t this a Gamera movie?” Joel replies, “He must have a real good agent.”

Extreme joy or extreme constipation.

The funniest riffing for the middle portion of the film revolves around the three explorers on the island. Of these jokers, Kawajiri (Yuzo Hayakawa) spends most of his time mugging away and acting like a spazz. When the trio finds the “opal” he starts dancing around and shouting, only to be stung by a scorpion. His death throws are something to witness. Crow declares “He died as he lived: goofy.”

Gamera vs. Barugon picks up when Barugon hatches form his opal and starts to trash Osaka. As he hatches Tom declares, “Caution: filling his hot… and alive.” Barugon’s tongue attack is perfect for quips, and when he shoots it out Joel does his best Freddy Krueger imitation with “I’m your boyfriend now!” This riff would re-appear in The Giant Gila Monster. The frosty blast from Barugon’s tongue causes Joel to say, “You don’t see that too often in nature.” To which Tom adds, “Frosted mini-tanks?”

"Help! I'm being frenched to death!"

One of my favorite lines from the movie is when a defense minister declares, “This monster destroys everything with its tongue.” Crow adds, “You try saying that without laughing”. And speaking of that tongue, it also leads to one of the funniest (and naughtiest) exchanges of the film. When Barguon uses his tongue to capture and ingest a man, Joel declares, “There is something about watching a man getting tongued to death.” To which Tom replies, “That’s how I want to go.” Joel and Crow just turn and stare at him.

The host segments start off with a classic battle. Tom is a Mac user and Crow is a PC user. They can’t agree on anything, until Joel shows up and says he’s using his Amega. They proceed to mock him mercilessly. For Joel’s invention he takes the dancing soda cans (remember those things?) and turns it into a spokes-can for recycling. The Mad scientists unleash the Cummer-bubble-bund - cummerbund that shoots bubbles. But this one is adapted for Disco! It has to be seen to be believed. At the first break Joel and bots perform a radio ad for Make Your Own Tokyo playset. It has a bunch of models, fire, and a panicky Joel. At the next break Tom and Crow dress as monsters going out to eat at TGI-Tokyo. Joel is their server and he has a lot of flair! For the next break Joel tries to convince the bots that the Gamera series is filled with big named stars. He rolls a slide show and proceeds to give all the Japanese actors celebrity identities. The bots don’t buy any of it. When the movie is over the bots complain about the lack of Gamera in Gamera vs. Barugon. Joel explains that Gamera was behind the camera for this one.

I wonder if he pitched the Jack Daniels grill already?

As far as Gamera’s directorial debut, well this movie has its moments. Some of those moments translate into some fun riffing. As a MST3K episode I rate this one higher than Gamera but still less entertaining than the episodes that followed it. Is it worth checking out? I think if you are a fan of Gamera and MST3K, yeah it’s a no brainer. But if you want to start with a single Gamera episode, I’d say give Gamera vs. Barugon a pass, and seek out Gamera vs. Guiron instead.

Gamera will return in Gamera vs. Gaos!

I give this episode 3 opal/eggs out of 5.

This episode is available on the MST3K vs Gamera boxset (Vol. XXI).

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) - MST3K Review

Summary:

To really get a handle... get it? Hand-le... Ok, I'll stop. Anyway, this episode starts with the short Hired – Part 2. This is the second half of an industrial short film made by Chevrolet in the early 40’s. It follows a sales manager who attempts to figure out why his salesmen aren’t successful. This involves montages of men with hats, and discussions about test driving. Probably the best scenes involve the middle-aged manager discussing the problems with his father who at one point puts a handkerchief on his head.

As for the feature, Michael (Hal Warren) takes his family on a nice little trip. Little Debbie (Jackey Neyman) has brought along the family dog, Pepe. Margaret (Diane Mahree) seems to spend most of her time doubting Michael's choices. It becomes very obvious why she does this. After a very long driving sequence, they find themselves lost. They arrive at a lodge in the middle of nowhere. There they meet Torgo (John Reynolds), a bizarre man with large knees. After some pressuring by Michael, Torgo allows the family to stay, even though he mentions that “The Master will not approve”. 

For most folks, that would ring some warning bells, but Michael is an idiot, so he gets the family settled in for the night. Almost immediately things go wrong. Pepe is killed, Debbie gets lost, Margaret is pawed at by Torgo and Michael can't get the car to start. Then The Master (Tom Neyman) arrives. This wacko worships the god Manos, has a bunch of wives that bicker and argue, and he has his sights set on Margaret as his newest bride! Will Michael obtain a molecule of common sense and save his family? Or will they all end up as sacrifices to Manos the Hands of Fate?

Review:

Dr. Giggles addresses the audience. 

Let's look at Hired: Part 2 first. It is the follow up to the short shown in the previous MST3K episode, Bride of the Monster, so if you want to follow the story then you may want to check that out. Or don't. You see Hired: Part 2 comes with a handy recap of the previous short. Essentially the sales manager requires the home spun wisdom of his father to realize that a real leader of men needs to, um, well actually lead. You can't just hire people and then let them run around without an guidance. Once the sales manager realizes this he turns over a new leaf.

Hired is like a lot of industrial films. It’s very serious, kinda goofy in it’s tactics and tries to hammer home it’s points. Is it bad? Not really. It has some valid points about mentoring and using knowledge as a tool for sales. It’s just the odd little moments that make the short entertaining. There’s the main character’s father, who looks and sounds like he should be in Grapes of Wrath. There’s the intense montage of high pressure salesmanship that looks like a World War II propaganda reel. Then you have the sales manager breaking the fourth wall and talking to the audience directly in a “What have we learned here?” way. It is interesting to see what kind of sales tactics Chevrolet used back in the day, and it provides plenty of material for Joel and the bots to work with.

It is true, more people can identify Torgo than they
can identify their Vice President.

Until Mystery Science Theater 3000 did this show, few people had heard of Manos: The Hands of Fate. In a way MST3K needed Manos and Manos needed MST3K. They both became infamous because of their work together. Suddenly MST3K wasn't just a silly puppet show, but a daring series that unearthed some really god awful films. And Manos: The Hands of Fate became the poster child for "the worst movie of all time". The fame of both soared, and once the Manos episode hit VHS, even more people were exposed to the flick. These days, any bad movie fan worth his or her salt has seen Manos as many times as The Room or Birdemic. Hell, Manos was even made into a video game. Take that Red Zone Cuba!

So what is it about Manos: The Hands of Fate that makes it so horrible? The basic story is simple. A family gets lost, meets up with a cult and tries to escape. You’ve got a small set of characters, some conflict and some creepy atmosphere – this could be a successful low budget film. But the ineptitude creeps in all kinds of ways.

Settle in folks, this driving scene last nearly 3 years.

Well let's start with the opening sequence. It is essentially the family driving, and driving and driving, with nothing but a really bad 60’s song blaring in the background. Supposedly the opening credits were intended to unspool over this footage, but it never happened. This leaves you with one terribly long boring sequence right at the start of the film.

Then there’s the fact that the camera and film stock are extremely low grade, giving the whole thing a real home movie feel, or worse, the look of a snuff film. Camera angles are rudimentary at best, and it looks like most of the editing was done in camera or by someone who didn’t know what they were doing. Scenes seem to stop randomly, start before “Action” is called, or in the middle of dialogue. Rumor has it that the production could only afford film scraps, and so all the shots were short by necessity.

Freddie Mercury is Maude!

The script to Manos isn’t too bad, as far as low budget films go. It’s very simple and sometimes the characters repeat themselves (I wonder how much of this was improvised). The lines all make sense and convey the plot, but they don’t do much more than that. Some of the plot ideas have merit for a horror film. The Master gathering wives for his cult is sinister. The idea that Torgo and the Master are both after Margaret has a real creepiness to it. Then they film the scene where Torgo paws at her and it gets even more disturbing. 

I mentioned the blaring song at the beginning, but the entire selection of music is really odd. There are themes, of a sort. Torgo has the most distinctive one, and it is usually the theme that pops into anyone's head when they think of this movie. There seems to be music specifically for the chase scenes. It all simplistic and none of it is very long, and so you get to hear it looped over and over again. But it does all end up giving the film an actual musical identity, which is something other really bad films lack. 

"We brought the kid, where's the money?"

What makes Manos: The Hands of Fate really fail (or provide rich comedic value) are the performances. Some characters appear to have been dubbed after the fact, especially the cops and kissing couple. There are points where it sounds like there is one person doing all the male voice for the characters on the screen. Other times the actors go WAY over the top with facial expressions and hand gestures. Were they told they were rolling without sound?

The family is hilarious. Hal Warren, who did triple duty by directing and writing this film, makes Michael come across like a complete idiot. His actions are senseless and would make a brain dead box turtle look normal. Like nearly everyone else, he overacts violently, but is also capable of looking a lost in front of the camera. I believe Michael is supposed to be a sympathetic hero: a husband and father who made a wrong turn and now must protect his family. Warren makes you cheer when the idiot gets attacked, because he deserves it.

"MIKE! MIIIIIKKKKKKKKE!!"

Margaret is an odd character. She knows there’s something wrong about the place the minute they get there, but dumb old Mike doesn’t want to leave. Mahree overacts too, but she’s actually fun to have around. The moment where she throws back her head and wiggles it around yelling “Mike! MIIIIKEEEE!” is very funny. I do end up feeling a bit bad for Margaret, but she should have realized what a moron she had married.

Then there is little Debbie. She’s your typical precocious daughter, who disappears and causes worry, and then re-appears with a Hell Hound. There are times when Jackey is obviously bored and annoyed by the filming of Manos, and it’s kind of funny to see these moments caught on the film. Mostly she just seems like a little kid who making movie because her daddy is in it.

"Have you considered taking Manos into your life?"

Speaking of daddy, Tom Neyman plays, The Master. As the driving force of evil in the film, Neyman goes for long stares and a creepy voice. He could almost be scary except for his goofy robe with hands on it and some of the flailing motions he makes with his arms. The Master is also prone to long silly monologues about the power of Manos and the Will of Manos. Neyman isn’t bad, and adds a bit of creepiness to the film.

Various actresses play his wives and you get some serious bad acting with this lot. I think most of them were hired because they didn’t mind rolling around in mock combat in diaphanous robes. They get some of the dumbest lines in the film, such as “The man, YES! The child, NO!” Most of them chew the scenery and a few look bored or possibly high on something.

Torgo in his action slacks!

But the favorite of Manos and most distinctive character is Torgo, the bizarre caretaker of the house. With his floppy hat, satyr like beard, huge thighs and knees, and bizarre staff with a hand on it, Reynolds makes Torgo the most interesting character. Then he speaks, and it’s sealed – Torgo steals the movie from everyone. His stuttering goat-like performance is classic stuff. I believe he was supposed to be a goat turned into a human, or maybe a satyr. It would explain his appearance and acting style. Reynolds throws himself into the role, and really makes it work. Torgo is creepy, funny, and pathetic all at the same time. 

Manos is one of those movies that is bad in spite of the fact that the cast and crew tried to do something. With some bad movies, you can tell that no one cared. But with this one, there was an attempt to make it spooky or creepy. In places it nearly succeeds. But as a whole, the ineptitude just shines through. Yes, Manos: The Hands of Fate is a bad movie and what better target for Joel and the bots at their prime.

MST3K Review:

Tonight on Night Gallery, women and the Manos
who love them.

Not only did this movie become infamous because of its appearance on MST3K, but this episode is often considered one of the highlights of the Comedy Central years. This episode was also part of a one two punch that ended season four (the final season in which Joel hosted for the entirety). Previous to this episode, MST3K tackled their first Ed Wood masterpiece: The Bride of the Monster. To follow that film with Manos: The Hands of Fate is either genius or insanity. Perhaps it was the divine will of Manos. Either way, Mr. Wood was often considered the worst director of all time. But when you see what Hall Warren created here, you really have to eat those words. Because Manos shows you what a bad movie can really be.

The dead eyes, the handkerchief on his head, this
man has seen too much.

Things start off well with the Hired: Part 2. This creation from Jam Handy (the folks who would bring us A Case of Spring Fever with Coily and his evil) and it is as ernest and good intentioned as you could hope for. Besides talking about leadership it also manages to be a propaganda piece for Chevrolet.

The entire scene where our protagonist talks with his father on the porch about his troubles is riffing gold. The sales manager shouts nearly all his lines, and his father swats at flies we can't see and then puts the napkin on his head. Tom says as the Sales Manager "I'm sobering up and you're starting to scare me." 

"Are you, or have you ever been a Ford owner?"

Then we jump into the scenes where the sales manager works with his staff. There is one exceptional loser (who we followed in Hired: Part 1), and the boys have lots of fun with him. The whole thing spirals into a montage of quick action, close ups of men talking, showroom gawking and test drives. Tom declares it "Triumph of the Salesman!" The final result is a solid riffing session for the short, not the best they ever tackled, but one that gets you nice and ready for a full blown riff-fest that is coming up.

To be honest, Manos starts off with it's most difficult sequence, the extended driving scenes as Michael and his family journey to the Valley Lodge. Joel and the bots do come up with some good stuff, mocking the quotes around the word "Manos" in the title, and commenting on all the fields that go by. They even start to lose it a little bit, reminding me of the rock climbing scenes in Lost Continent or the sandstorm scenes in Hercules Against the Moon Men. One of my favorite comments is when we get a close up of Michael and Joel says, "How come every frame of this movie looks like a last known photo." Crow replies with "It is filmed in Zapruder Vision". It's a pretty good riffing sequence for Joel. Usually Mike and the bots did a better job with those long stretches of nothing like Starfighters or The Beast of Yucca Flats.

Torgo performs some Dance Magic.

But things certainly improve when Torgo makes his appearance. If there was ever a character tailor made for MST3K, it has to be Torgo. His wobbly gait, his stuttering speech, his twitchy nature all lend themselves to excellent riffing. All the boys do a great job imitating his vocal performance and laughs really kick into high gear. 

I also love all the riffs based on the fact that the family dog is killed and the parents don't want to tell little Debbie. Joel provides plenty of riffs as Michael telling his daughter, "Stop this nonsense about a dog, you never had a dog." To which Crow answers as Debbie, "What about my dog?"

It's about this time that the host segments also start playing into how bad Manos: The Hands of Fate is. Each time the boys comment about the horror of the film. The mad scientists actually contact Joel to apologize about the film. Frank and Dr. Forrester even use the same words, "We really went too far this time. I'm sorry." 

The real reason this film was made.

When The Master shows up, all bets are off. Michael makes dumber and dumber decisions, messing around with the car while his daughter gets lost and his wife is hit on by Torgo. Eventually he gets his revolver and wanders around in the desert only to be knocked out by one of The Master's wives. Joel asks, "When is this guy going to demonstrate some simple common sense?" Never, I'm afraid. 

Those wives! The scenes of them bickering go on way too long, but Joel and the bots join into the conversation adding all kinds of additional things to bicker about (other than human sacrifice and killing Torgo). Stuff like buying the cleanser with the whole skin care package. When The Master tries to restore order and keeps shouting "Silence!" Joel adds, "is golden!" 

Oh ick, they're watching "Manos" again.

Then you have the scenes with the kissing couple, and Tom wonders why they drinking A1 sauce from the bottle. When the sheriff shows up, Joel points out that one guy is performing as both the sheriff and the beau. Then you have the coda scenes with the two ladies who end up at the Valley Lodge to meet the new caretaker. Tom goes off the deep end performing a long monologue as one of the ladies, while we are treated to another long driving scene. Joel and Crow are stunned. 

The host segments for Manos: The Hands of Fate are pretty entertaining. The show opens with Joel programming the bots to agree with everything he says. Sounds like a good idea… at first. Then Joel and Mad scientists do their invention exchange. Joel creates a machine to make un-funny comic strips funny. The mad scientists come up with a cool little guillotine for chocolate bunnies – just in time for Easter! The first break has Joel and Bots attempting to recreate the long driving scene from Manos. They flub it and break down in tears. Frank apologies for the movie. The next break has a great discussion on what makes Torgo a monster. Then Joel and bots come up with their own monsters. Later Joel puts on an outfit similar to The Master’s, except his has feet on it. Everyone breaks down, and Doctor Forrester apologizes for the film. In the finale, the bots try to wrestle like the wives in the movie. Meanwhile the mad scientists get their pizza delivered – by Torgo! Yep, that’s Mike Nelson doing a great imitation of Torgo. He would appear a few more times in future episodes while the show was on Comedy Central.

This host segment makes "Manos" an Easter episode.
No really, it does!

Manos is a fan favorite episode. Most people who enjoy the show rate this one very highly. I enjoy it quite a bit myself, but the long driving sequence is a bit of a drag. It is also one of those episodes that I find really funny sometimes, and less amusing other times. You really have to be mentally prepared for how bad this movie really is. I wouldn't rate it as the worst film the series tackled, but it is right down there with The Beast of Yucca Flats or Monster A-Go-Go.

This is not an episode I would start a newbie with. The movie is too bad for most people to even conceive of. This is an episode that is better appreciated after you’ve seen a few episodes of MST3K or have watched a good share of bad movies. If that sounds like you, and you haven’t seen this episode, seek it out. The Master will be very pleased.

I give it four and half hand of fate out of five.

This episode has been released a few times on DVD. Rhino gave it a single disc release as well as including it as part of their Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection – The Essentials, which also had Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Shout! Factory gave it a great two disc special release which included documentaries about making the film, as well as interviews with MST3K cast and a documentary about the industrial shorts by Jam Handy. 

And now, some additional pics of the cast having a good time with the episode.

Such a wonderful pose. It can only inspire.

"Come to me Tom Servo. I am the magnet and you
are steel!" "You look like Maude."

Torgo is fascinated by Frank's hair.

Red Zone Cuba (1966) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Before we jump on the night train, we need to take a look at the short, Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance. This black and white film examines how the way the speaker looks and stands is as important as what he says and how he says it. The short talks about maintaining good posture, ensuring your clothes are in order and your hair combed. It even provides a nifty exercise called “the knee test” that will ensure you are standing with your feet the optimal width apart. The knee test is demonstrated numerous times to ensure you do it right.

The feature film follows an escaped criminal, Griffin (Coleman Francis) as he falls in with two ex-cons Cook (Harold Saunders) and Landis (Anthony Cardoza). The trio hears that the US military is giving 1000 dollars to join for a one time operation somewhere in Cuba. If they survive they will be given another 1000 dollars – no questions asked. The desperados decide to give this a shot, and most likely just run off with the 3000 they get for joining. But things don’t go as planned.

Eventually they find themselves trained as covert operatives to participate in the Bay of Pigs Invasion. The trio make it to Cuba, but they are captured and imprisoned. Griffin uses a clever ruse to escape. The men return to the states and start a crime spree in which people are ruthless killed, a widow is conned and coffee is drunk. Before it is all over Griffin may wish that he had been killed in Red Zone Cuba.

Movie Review:

"Now you look ready to rub out Sonny Corleone."

Centron delivers another short revolving around public speaking. Speech: Platform Posture an Appearance is a bit different from most because is focuses on how to make a good visual impression. It is actually filled with good advice for a public speaker. It discusses how credibility can be hurt if you look sloppy and unprepared. A speaker whose shoes are shined and suit is pressed just looks more credible than the poor schlep who can’t tuck in his shirt and has his hair hanging in his face.

But the real focus comes when the short delves into posture. Again, it really isn’t something most public speaking classes cover, but it does make a difference. The short describes the various types of bad posture, giving each a cute name and cartoon image: tired farm horse type, telephone pole type, rocking horse type and turtle type. The narrator discusses how each of these can be avoided and then shows us The Knee Test.

This man has obviously not made the knee test.

The goal is to make sure you have a stable stance to work with, so you don’t end up rocking, or slouching or leaning on stuff. The Knee Test lets you determine this optimal stance, and you can build from there. The only trouble is, it looks incredibly goofy in practice – and the short loves showing it off over and over again.

Like all shorts form Centron, Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance is deadly serious in it’s presentation. The black and white cinematography and authoritative voice over make it even more ridiculous. Still it is a unique look at public speaking and provides food for thought – very earnest food.

For Coleman Francis’ final film, he wanted to do something impressive, important and filled with meaning. He wanted to explore the themes that had been hinted at in his earlier work: government mistakes, human brutality, vigilante justice, flight and coffee. Francis had a limited budget, but he had a story to tell, and now that he had learned a lot about film making during his work on The Beast of Yucca Flats and Skydivers he was ready to tackle it.

And now we know what happened to those
three dorks who hung out behind the gym.

He called it Night Train to Mundo Fine (translated to Night Train to the End of the World). The title was later changed to Red Zone Cuba. It was going to be the one he wanted to be remembered for. These days, I think more people are familiar with The Beast of Yucca Flats – because it is so horrible. But Red Zone Cuba is really Francis at his most impressive. He aims high, and misses spectacularly, and yet, because he is reaching so high, the movie is more interesting because of it.

Coleman Francis had cameo appearances in his previous films, but this time he takes center stage as the anti-hero Griffin. The acting isn’t perfect, and you can tell the director is really trying to make Griffin a real character. The man is a brute, filled with a world-weariness that threatens to consume him. At the same time he is capable of violent and sudden rages that can turn murderous.  Francis’ love of close-ups work well with his own craggy face. He looks like he’s been through a lot (I’m not sure if the director had been. His films certainly don’t appear to come from a man who led a happy life). This resigned face will suddenly go angry, sometimes with little provocation.  As the movie progresses his violence escalates and there really is no other ending for this character than to go down in a hail of bullets. Francis does a good job making Griffin believable and frightening. Not to say the acting is great or anything, but it easily the best performance in the film.

Tony Cardoza is back and this time he's duller than
ever!

The other two leads are hopeless. Saunders as Cook seems lost most of the time. He flubs lines, misses cues and just can’t seem to portray anything more than a guy who wandered onto the set one day. There is very little intimidating about him, which means he can’t be the muscle. If that makes him the brains then we’ve got a real problem here, because Tony Cardoza plays his partner, Landis. If The Skydivers proved anything, it was that Tony Cardoza should not be allowed a major part in front of the camera. He is as lifeless, wooden and bland as ever. Even his lines delivered in voice over are in complete monotone. He shows no spark of intelligence, and you wonder how the hell a heist was planned between these two.

While Red Zone Cuba focuses primarily on these three gentlemen, a few other actors have significant screen time. Tom Hanson isn’t too bad as Bailey Chastain, an officer who attempts to befriend the men. He makes enough of an impression so that you feel bad when Griffin attempts to scam his wife Ruby played by Lanell Cado. She does a good job too, looking forlorn waiting for news of her husband.

"How do you like them apples!"

Receiving top billing is John Carradine, as a train engineer who is telling his story to a young newspaper reporter. This little prologue lasts less than five minutes and has nothing to do with the story. But hey, I guess they got John Carradine in their movie, so that’s cool. I wonder if he filmed this between The Incredible Petrified World and The Unearthly.

The rest of the cast is populated by Francis’ regular group of oddballs and random folks. While not quite as colorful as the acting team of Skydivers there are still plenty of fun appearances. Tony Cardoza gets to put on a fake beard and pretend to be Castro. It might be his most animated acting in all three of these movies. Then you’ve got Juan Cruz, a captured American soldier. He is killed by a firing squad. Then about five minutes later, the same actor is playing a Cuban guard. Yes, same guy, nearly the same outfit, and no attempt is made to hide his face. You also get Cherokee Jack, but more about him later.

Then there’s the haggard owner of the Frog Legs restaurant late in the film. He looks depressed, his story is depressing, and even his blind daughter makes you want to throw yourself into traffic. I’m not sure where Francis found these two, but man Red Zone Cuba moves into despair territory here.

"Imagine you're Castro and you see this awesome
sight."

Much like his other films, the editing is brutal. Scenes seem to be randomly cut short, jump to non sequitur scenes, or have inserts for no reason anyone can determine. No rhythm is evident, and in this case, all this ends up making the film very difficult to follow. Continuity is non-existent, so you will have a sequence of people chasing each other, one in the day one in the evening. Or you get a scene where it is obviously raining outside the plane, with water hitting the windows and thunder rumbling. But a quick shot of the plane flying shows a clear beautiful day. Has time passed? Was the editor asleep? We’ll never know.

The musical selections are jaw droopingly awful. Much like Skydivers, the music goes from over the top tension, to silly and goofy lighthearted marches at the drop of a hat. The “light” music is really the worst offender. It seems completely at odds with the dreary and dower visuals on the screen, even if the characters are experiencing some good fortune. One piece sounds disturbingly like Sleigh Ride. Then there’s the title song, Night Train to Mundo Fine. I kid you not, it is sung by John Carradine. Yeah, read that again. It is really an odd choice. But I have to say the swinging guitar version used at the end of the film is actually pretty good.

This leaves us with the story and themes. Francis’ wanted to say something about the Bay of Pigs invasion, the plight of men lost in the world with no hope in their future, the way justice can only come at the barrel of a gun, and that the world was a dark and dangerous place. It is a dreary tale about a man who is not redeemable and who plows through the lives of others, all the while powerless against the government, the law: the world itself. This bleak worldview oozes from every frame of the film, and makes it one of the most dower movies ever to be shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (with High School Big Shot or The Girl on Lover’s Lane maybe edging it).

Another character lost in the wheels of despair.

I will give Coleman Francis this, I think he was able to capture the mood and atmosphere he wanted this Red Zone Cuba (for the most part). Even his ham fisted editing adds to the brutality and sudden switch in fortunes for the characters.

But the film never comes together in a narrative way. This makes Red Zone Cuba a bit of a puzzle. You can tell Coleman Francis wanted to tell a gripping tale of a lost man pulled into the Bay of Pigs operation. The operation is a failure, and he is forced back on the run again, killing and destroying until he is gunned down with nothing but “a penny and broken cigarette”. But time and again he scuttles his own vision with scenes that go nowhere, dialogue that seems to mean something but doesn’t, and pacing that is quick and yet a slog at the same time (not sure how he manages that). It took several viewings of the film (and no one but a Mystery Science Theater fan should attempt that) to realize how the heck the men left Cuba and ended up looking for the Tungsten mine. The film feels like it wants to be an epic, but it can’t even manage to be entertaining. By the time the movie ends you are left confused, and a bit battered. But Mike and the bots are here to make it all better.

Episode Review:

Gentlemen, start your knees!

For the crew at Mystery Science Theater 3000 this film came in the middle of season six, and in the middle of the Coleman Francis trilogy. As such I’ve seen this episode called one of the worst in the history of the show, yes even worse than the dreaded Hamlet episode. But there are plenty of folks (and yes I’m obviously one of them) that think this episode is a testament to the skill of the writers and riffers. The fact that that can turn such a nonsensical mess of a movie into something so entertaining is really amazing.

Things start off with the short Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance. The boys were no stranger to Centron’s style and had tackled a previous speech short with lots of “lip and tongue action”. This was a natural continuation for them, and they do a fine job with it. As the short starts Mike wonders if “ancient toastmasters made this film”. The narrator starts in on how “appearance is a powerful factor”, Crow answers with “I learned that the hard way.” Then as the narrator describes all the negative types and shows the silly drawings of the various types, the riffers go to town on the short.

But the best material has to do with “making the knee test” (which Mike absolutely refuses to do). As the narrator carefully describes the actions to make it work, the riffs come fast and furious with Tom declaring “Just don’t do this during your speech.” As far as shorts go, this one is a lot of fun, and worth seeking out, even if the feature hurts too much.

Coleman aka "the Wild Curly" in captivity.

One of the great things about Red Zone Cuba is that it is filled with so many oddities, bizarre characters, strange lines and unclear plot points, that it really offers tremendous riffing opportunities. They aren’t the obvious type, but they are there and Mike and bots make the most of them. When John Carradine appears in the prologue scene Crow thinks “he makes Keith Richards look positively dewy”. When the young reporter asks Carradine if he remembers the desperados back in ’61, Tom answers “Which century?”

Because the sound is so bad, they can’t hear Sgt. Chastain’s proper name, and keep calling him Justine throughout the film. When his superior officer calls him into a meeting Mike says, “Sgt. Justine I want you to call me Lt. Vivian.” That only leads into a whole host of military jokes. Because of the limited budget, the “invasion force” is only about six guys, filmed over and over again from different angles. The boys have a great time with these scenes with Mike saying that “Charro could have planned a better invasion”. The term “shove off” is used frequently in these scenes and Mike and bots turn it into a repeating riff, getting mad at the actors when they use the term.

"Yeah, I'm Cherokee Jack."

Another running joke comes from one of the most famous characters in Red Zone Cuba: Cherokee Jack. Taking a page from The Beast of Yucca Flats, most of Cherokee’s dialogue is given when he is off screen or hidden behind something. The way he delivers his immortal dialogue, “Yeah, I’m Cherokee Jack” combined with the bad editing made him an instant favorite for MST3K fans, and the writers. He would get named dropped in several episodes in the future, usually by Mike who could imitate the cadence and delivery of the line perfectly.

Of course many of the riffs are just about how poorly the film is made. Crow thinks, “It doesn’t waste any precious time with a plot.” About half way through Tom says, “At this point the movie throws up its hands and says ‘I don’t know!’” (this has become a favorite line around my house when something goes wrong). When a quick edit happens in the middle of a scene Mike is concerned that his “neck got broken from that jump cut”. Crow sums up with “This film dares you to watch it!”

"When a wild Curly dies, it provides food for other
Curlies."

Mr. Coleman Francis is not immune to the riffs. With his close shaved head and rounded features the boys start referring to him as Curly. During his initial escape from the law Mike says in his movie trailer voice, “Coleman Francis is Curly Howard in The Fugitive.” Tom does a very good imitation of Curly Howard and provides plenty of Stooge based jokes. But my favorite series of riffs comes at the end, as Francis is chased down by an airborne vigilante squad. The camera tracks him low to the ground, and looks a lot like a nature documentary. So the boys just roll with it, talking about how fast a “wild Curly” can run, and how long they live in the wild versus living in captivity.

Frank and Dr. Forrester make the knee test.

The host segments focus on two items. One is how the bad the movie is, The other is Frank’s little problem with the mafia. Things start off with Tom acting as a lottery ball dispenser. Mike has to call the numbers as they shoot out of the top of Tom’s head. Frank then reveals that he owes the mob 50 large. They send a palooka to rough him up, but Frank uses a clever ruse, and Dr. Forrester gets beaten up instead. At the first break, Dr. Forrester is in a full body cast, and Frank chastises him for not rising above the pain. He forces Dr. Forrester to make the knee test! When we come back from the next break Mike has turned into Carol Channing to help deal with the pain of Red Zone Cuba. The bots are confused by this. Meanwhile Frank reads all messages from various folks wishing Dr. Forrester a speedy demise and a painful death. It includes anti-condolences from Mother Teresa and Jimmy Carter. At the next break, Mike is still having problems coping with the film. And we watch as Dr. Forrester has a very long and protracted death scene. He manages to survive only to get beaten up again. When the movie ends, Mike and bots are really depressed, but they sing a happy song about silly things and it makes them feel a lot better.

"Griffin ran all the way to hell, with a penny and
a broken cigarette."

I have to be honest, this episode left me really cold the first time I saw it. The movie was too dower and too much of a mess to enjoy. The riffing, while spirited was not enough to overcome that. But one day, a co-worker at the video store declared that Red Zone Cuba was a puzzle he was determined to solve. So we both watched it that night and did our best to figure out what the hell was going on. And so my appreciation of the riffing grew, and grew with each subsequent viewing. In addition I ended up seeing Francis’ other films and in the scope of things, I began to appreciate Francis’ work for what it was. To me Red Zone Cuba was his opus. Combined with this oddly fascinating film is some of the best riffing out there, matching the feature’s punishing blows with well timed and hilarious jokes. Yes, Red Zone Cuba is an acquired taste, I’ll admit it. But to me, it is easily one of the best episodes out there, and one of my favorite from this season.

I give it five Cherokee Jack’s out of five.

This episode is available as a single DVD.