And Then This Happened... Skydivers

Before the skydivers take off into the wild blue yonder they decided to practice... um... something. Let's just say it may have been a better show than what happened a few minutes later. Caption this!

And then this happened...

Red Zone Cuba (1966) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Before we jump on the night train, we need to take a look at the short, Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance. This black and white film examines how the way the speaker looks and stands is as important as what he says and how he says it. The short talks about maintaining good posture, ensuring your clothes are in order and your hair combed. It even provides a nifty exercise called “the knee test” that will ensure you are standing with your feet the optimal width apart. The knee test is demonstrated numerous times to ensure you do it right.

The feature film follows an escaped criminal, Griffin (Coleman Francis) as he falls in with two ex-cons Cook (Harold Saunders) and Landis (Anthony Cardoza). The trio hears that the US military is giving 1000 dollars to join for a one time operation somewhere in Cuba. If they survive they will be given another 1000 dollars – no questions asked. The desperados decide to give this a shot, and most likely just run off with the 3000 they get for joining. But things don’t go as planned.

Eventually they find themselves trained as covert operatives to participate in the Bay of Pigs Invasion. The trio make it to Cuba, but they are captured and imprisoned. Griffin uses a clever ruse to escape. The men return to the states and start a crime spree in which people are ruthless killed, a widow is conned and coffee is drunk. Before it is all over Griffin may wish that he had been killed in Red Zone Cuba.

Movie Review:

"Now you look ready to rub out Sonny Corleone."

Centron delivers another short revolving around public speaking. Speech: Platform Posture an Appearance is a bit different from most because is focuses on how to make a good visual impression. It is actually filled with good advice for a public speaker. It discusses how credibility can be hurt if you look sloppy and unprepared. A speaker whose shoes are shined and suit is pressed just looks more credible than the poor schlep who can’t tuck in his shirt and has his hair hanging in his face.

But the real focus comes when the short delves into posture. Again, it really isn’t something most public speaking classes cover, but it does make a difference. The short describes the various types of bad posture, giving each a cute name and cartoon image: tired farm horse type, telephone pole type, rocking horse type and turtle type. The narrator discusses how each of these can be avoided and then shows us The Knee Test.

This man has obviously not made the knee test.

The goal is to make sure you have a stable stance to work with, so you don’t end up rocking, or slouching or leaning on stuff. The Knee Test lets you determine this optimal stance, and you can build from there. The only trouble is, it looks incredibly goofy in practice – and the short loves showing it off over and over again.

Like all shorts form Centron, Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance is deadly serious in it’s presentation. The black and white cinematography and authoritative voice over make it even more ridiculous. Still it is a unique look at public speaking and provides food for thought – very earnest food.

For Coleman Francis’ final film, he wanted to do something impressive, important and filled with meaning. He wanted to explore the themes that had been hinted at in his earlier work: government mistakes, human brutality, vigilante justice, flight and coffee. Francis had a limited budget, but he had a story to tell, and now that he had learned a lot about film making during his work on The Beast of Yucca Flats and Skydivers he was ready to tackle it.

And now we know what happened to those
three dorks who hung out behind the gym.

He called it Night Train to Mundo Fine (translated to Night Train to the End of the World). The title was later changed to Red Zone Cuba. It was going to be the one he wanted to be remembered for. These days, I think more people are familiar with The Beast of Yucca Flats – because it is so horrible. But Red Zone Cuba is really Francis at his most impressive. He aims high, and misses spectacularly, and yet, because he is reaching so high, the movie is more interesting because of it.

Coleman Francis had cameo appearances in his previous films, but this time he takes center stage as the anti-hero Griffin. The acting isn’t perfect, and you can tell the director is really trying to make Griffin a real character. The man is a brute, filled with a world-weariness that threatens to consume him. At the same time he is capable of violent and sudden rages that can turn murderous.  Francis’ love of close-ups work well with his own craggy face. He looks like he’s been through a lot (I’m not sure if the director had been. His films certainly don’t appear to come from a man who led a happy life). This resigned face will suddenly go angry, sometimes with little provocation.  As the movie progresses his violence escalates and there really is no other ending for this character than to go down in a hail of bullets. Francis does a good job making Griffin believable and frightening. Not to say the acting is great or anything, but it easily the best performance in the film.

Tony Cardoza is back and this time he's duller than
ever!

The other two leads are hopeless. Saunders as Cook seems lost most of the time. He flubs lines, misses cues and just can’t seem to portray anything more than a guy who wandered onto the set one day. There is very little intimidating about him, which means he can’t be the muscle. If that makes him the brains then we’ve got a real problem here, because Tony Cardoza plays his partner, Landis. If The Skydivers proved anything, it was that Tony Cardoza should not be allowed a major part in front of the camera. He is as lifeless, wooden and bland as ever. Even his lines delivered in voice over are in complete monotone. He shows no spark of intelligence, and you wonder how the hell a heist was planned between these two.

While Red Zone Cuba focuses primarily on these three gentlemen, a few other actors have significant screen time. Tom Hanson isn’t too bad as Bailey Chastain, an officer who attempts to befriend the men. He makes enough of an impression so that you feel bad when Griffin attempts to scam his wife Ruby played by Lanell Cado. She does a good job too, looking forlorn waiting for news of her husband.

"How do you like them apples!"

Receiving top billing is John Carradine, as a train engineer who is telling his story to a young newspaper reporter. This little prologue lasts less than five minutes and has nothing to do with the story. But hey, I guess they got John Carradine in their movie, so that’s cool. I wonder if he filmed this between The Incredible Petrified World and The Unearthly.

The rest of the cast is populated by Francis’ regular group of oddballs and random folks. While not quite as colorful as the acting team of Skydivers there are still plenty of fun appearances. Tony Cardoza gets to put on a fake beard and pretend to be Castro. It might be his most animated acting in all three of these movies. Then you’ve got Juan Cruz, a captured American soldier. He is killed by a firing squad. Then about five minutes later, the same actor is playing a Cuban guard. Yes, same guy, nearly the same outfit, and no attempt is made to hide his face. You also get Cherokee Jack, but more about him later.

Then there’s the haggard owner of the Frog Legs restaurant late in the film. He looks depressed, his story is depressing, and even his blind daughter makes you want to throw yourself into traffic. I’m not sure where Francis found these two, but man Red Zone Cuba moves into despair territory here.

"Imagine you're Castro and you see this awesome
sight."

Much like his other films, the editing is brutal. Scenes seem to be randomly cut short, jump to non sequitur scenes, or have inserts for no reason anyone can determine. No rhythm is evident, and in this case, all this ends up making the film very difficult to follow. Continuity is non-existent, so you will have a sequence of people chasing each other, one in the day one in the evening. Or you get a scene where it is obviously raining outside the plane, with water hitting the windows and thunder rumbling. But a quick shot of the plane flying shows a clear beautiful day. Has time passed? Was the editor asleep? We’ll never know.

The musical selections are jaw droopingly awful. Much like Skydivers, the music goes from over the top tension, to silly and goofy lighthearted marches at the drop of a hat. The “light” music is really the worst offender. It seems completely at odds with the dreary and dower visuals on the screen, even if the characters are experiencing some good fortune. One piece sounds disturbingly like Sleigh Ride. Then there’s the title song, Night Train to Mundo Fine. I kid you not, it is sung by John Carradine. Yeah, read that again. It is really an odd choice. But I have to say the swinging guitar version used at the end of the film is actually pretty good.

This leaves us with the story and themes. Francis’ wanted to say something about the Bay of Pigs invasion, the plight of men lost in the world with no hope in their future, the way justice can only come at the barrel of a gun, and that the world was a dark and dangerous place. It is a dreary tale about a man who is not redeemable and who plows through the lives of others, all the while powerless against the government, the law: the world itself. This bleak worldview oozes from every frame of the film, and makes it one of the most dower movies ever to be shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (with High School Big Shot or The Girl on Lover’s Lane maybe edging it).

Another character lost in the wheels of despair.

I will give Coleman Francis this, I think he was able to capture the mood and atmosphere he wanted this Red Zone Cuba (for the most part). Even his ham fisted editing adds to the brutality and sudden switch in fortunes for the characters.

But the film never comes together in a narrative way. This makes Red Zone Cuba a bit of a puzzle. You can tell Coleman Francis wanted to tell a gripping tale of a lost man pulled into the Bay of Pigs operation. The operation is a failure, and he is forced back on the run again, killing and destroying until he is gunned down with nothing but “a penny and broken cigarette”. But time and again he scuttles his own vision with scenes that go nowhere, dialogue that seems to mean something but doesn’t, and pacing that is quick and yet a slog at the same time (not sure how he manages that). It took several viewings of the film (and no one but a Mystery Science Theater fan should attempt that) to realize how the heck the men left Cuba and ended up looking for the Tungsten mine. The film feels like it wants to be an epic, but it can’t even manage to be entertaining. By the time the movie ends you are left confused, and a bit battered. But Mike and the bots are here to make it all better.

Episode Review:

Gentlemen, start your knees!

For the crew at Mystery Science Theater 3000 this film came in the middle of season six, and in the middle of the Coleman Francis trilogy. As such I’ve seen this episode called one of the worst in the history of the show, yes even worse than the dreaded Hamlet episode. But there are plenty of folks (and yes I’m obviously one of them) that think this episode is a testament to the skill of the writers and riffers. The fact that that can turn such a nonsensical mess of a movie into something so entertaining is really amazing.

Things start off with the short Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance. The boys were no stranger to Centron’s style and had tackled a previous speech short with lots of “lip and tongue action”. This was a natural continuation for them, and they do a fine job with it. As the short starts Mike wonders if “ancient toastmasters made this film”. The narrator starts in on how “appearance is a powerful factor”, Crow answers with “I learned that the hard way.” Then as the narrator describes all the negative types and shows the silly drawings of the various types, the riffers go to town on the short.

But the best material has to do with “making the knee test” (which Mike absolutely refuses to do). As the narrator carefully describes the actions to make it work, the riffs come fast and furious with Tom declaring “Just don’t do this during your speech.” As far as shorts go, this one is a lot of fun, and worth seeking out, even if the feature hurts too much.

Coleman aka "the Wild Curly" in captivity.

One of the great things about Red Zone Cuba is that it is filled with so many oddities, bizarre characters, strange lines and unclear plot points, that it really offers tremendous riffing opportunities. They aren’t the obvious type, but they are there and Mike and bots make the most of them. When John Carradine appears in the prologue scene Crow thinks “he makes Keith Richards look positively dewy”. When the young reporter asks Carradine if he remembers the desperados back in ’61, Tom answers “Which century?”

Because the sound is so bad, they can’t hear Sgt. Chastain’s proper name, and keep calling him Justine throughout the film. When his superior officer calls him into a meeting Mike says, “Sgt. Justine I want you to call me Lt. Vivian.” That only leads into a whole host of military jokes. Because of the limited budget, the “invasion force” is only about six guys, filmed over and over again from different angles. The boys have a great time with these scenes with Mike saying that “Charro could have planned a better invasion”. The term “shove off” is used frequently in these scenes and Mike and bots turn it into a repeating riff, getting mad at the actors when they use the term.

"Yeah, I'm Cherokee Jack."

Another running joke comes from one of the most famous characters in Red Zone Cuba: Cherokee Jack. Taking a page from The Beast of Yucca Flats, most of Cherokee’s dialogue is given when he is off screen or hidden behind something. The way he delivers his immortal dialogue, “Yeah, I’m Cherokee Jack” combined with the bad editing made him an instant favorite for MST3K fans, and the writers. He would get named dropped in several episodes in the future, usually by Mike who could imitate the cadence and delivery of the line perfectly.

Of course many of the riffs are just about how poorly the film is made. Crow thinks, “It doesn’t waste any precious time with a plot.” About half way through Tom says, “At this point the movie throws up its hands and says ‘I don’t know!’” (this has become a favorite line around my house when something goes wrong). When a quick edit happens in the middle of a scene Mike is concerned that his “neck got broken from that jump cut”. Crow sums up with “This film dares you to watch it!”

"When a wild Curly dies, it provides food for other
Curlies."

Mr. Coleman Francis is not immune to the riffs. With his close shaved head and rounded features the boys start referring to him as Curly. During his initial escape from the law Mike says in his movie trailer voice, “Coleman Francis is Curly Howard in The Fugitive.” Tom does a very good imitation of Curly Howard and provides plenty of Stooge based jokes. But my favorite series of riffs comes at the end, as Francis is chased down by an airborne vigilante squad. The camera tracks him low to the ground, and looks a lot like a nature documentary. So the boys just roll with it, talking about how fast a “wild Curly” can run, and how long they live in the wild versus living in captivity.

Frank and Dr. Forrester make the knee test.

The host segments focus on two items. One is how the bad the movie is, The other is Frank’s little problem with the mafia. Things start off with Tom acting as a lottery ball dispenser. Mike has to call the numbers as they shoot out of the top of Tom’s head. Frank then reveals that he owes the mob 50 large. They send a palooka to rough him up, but Frank uses a clever ruse, and Dr. Forrester gets beaten up instead. At the first break, Dr. Forrester is in a full body cast, and Frank chastises him for not rising above the pain. He forces Dr. Forrester to make the knee test! When we come back from the next break Mike has turned into Carol Channing to help deal with the pain of Red Zone Cuba. The bots are confused by this. Meanwhile Frank reads all messages from various folks wishing Dr. Forrester a speedy demise and a painful death. It includes anti-condolences from Mother Teresa and Jimmy Carter. At the next break, Mike is still having problems coping with the film. And we watch as Dr. Forrester has a very long and protracted death scene. He manages to survive only to get beaten up again. When the movie ends, Mike and bots are really depressed, but they sing a happy song about silly things and it makes them feel a lot better.

"Griffin ran all the way to hell, with a penny and
a broken cigarette."

I have to be honest, this episode left me really cold the first time I saw it. The movie was too dower and too much of a mess to enjoy. The riffing, while spirited was not enough to overcome that. But one day, a co-worker at the video store declared that Red Zone Cuba was a puzzle he was determined to solve. So we both watched it that night and did our best to figure out what the hell was going on. And so my appreciation of the riffing grew, and grew with each subsequent viewing. In addition I ended up seeing Francis’ other films and in the scope of things, I began to appreciate Francis’ work for what it was. To me Red Zone Cuba was his opus. Combined with this oddly fascinating film is some of the best riffing out there, matching the feature’s punishing blows with well timed and hilarious jokes. Yes, Red Zone Cuba is an acquired taste, I’ll admit it. But to me, it is easily one of the best episodes out there, and one of my favorite from this season.

I give it five Cherokee Jack’s out of five.

This episode is available as a single DVD. 

The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) – MST3K Review

Summary:

This episode has the audacity to feature two short films before diving into the feature. The first is called Money Talks. A young man is bemoaning his lack of funds. He whines loudly enough that Benjamin Franklin rises from the grave! Well his shadow does at least. The founding father dispenses some solid financial advice and our young protagonist turns his monetary life around.

Up next is Progress Island. This was made by the Economic Development department of Puerto Rico in 1973. The short tells you all the reasons Puerto Rico is so darn amazing. It uses commanding narration, lots of montages and a super funky and hip (for the early 70s) soundtrack. It comes across as a bit desperate to tell you the truth.

The Beast of Yucca Flats was written and directed by Coleman Francis, which should tell you enough right there. But I suppose I can provide a bit more information. A defecting Russian scientist, Joseph Javorsky (Tor Johnson), arrives in the US with a suitcase full of secrets to share. Little does he know that the KGB has sent two crackerjack agents to take the briefcase and kill Javorsky. A shootout and chase ensue, but Javorsky manages to escape… right into an A Bomb testing site.

Well he gets irradiated and mutates into a lumbering murderous beast (hence the name of the film). The rest of the movie is comprised of him stumbling around, murdering random folks and waving a stick. A couple boys get lost in the desert, which is supposed to create tension. There are also two local cops who try to hunt him down, but really stink at their jobs. While The Beast of Yucca Flats isn’t all that scary of a monster, the movie itself has been known to cause brain damage.

Movie Review:

I think someone enhanced their chocolate milk,
if you know what I mean.

Lets start with the short film Money Talks. This is one of those educational shorts that is actually filled with good advice and solid points. It provides a nice introduction to planning and saving that any kid who is picking up some spending cash should know. It tries to shake things up by having Ben Franklin appear and dispense the wisdom in an attempt to keep the whole thing from feeling like an accounting seminar. I’m sure, on some level it could work, especially in the time it was made.

But our cruel cynical modern eyes will find most of this too goofy to take seriously. It is overly earnest in its approach. Our protagonist comes across as a whiny dork, and not an everyman. The silhouette of Ben Franklin ends up looking a bit noire and kind of creepy at times. For all that, the message is solid and handled well enough.

Historical beauty? Check. Fuzzy Guitar soundtrack?
Double check!

On the other hand you have Progress Island, which is way too eager to please and excite. It throws every trick in the book at the viewer to convince you that Puerto Rico is the next big thing. No matter what you need in life, Puerto Rico has it. Want a lovely vacation spot? Head to Puerto Rico. Want a solid education? Head to Puerto Rico. Want some cheap labor for your plant? Head to Puerto Rico. That last bit seems a bit odd to have in your sales pitch, but there it is.

There is actually some really lovely camera work in this short. Puerto Rico offers a lot of picturesque areas, so I’m sure the camera crew had plenty to work with. The whole thing goes wrong in the narration, which is constant and emphatic. YOU WILL LOVE PUERTO RICO! Combined with the ultra-dated soundtrack with fuzzy guitars and wacka-jo-wacka action, it becomes really hard to take seriously. Even the hyper-active editing to connote how modern and lively the island is, feels like the hard sell being slammed down. It’s an abrasive short on a lovely island.

One of the most questionable nuclear scientists
ever put on film.

Coleman Francis got his first opportunity to direct a film in 1961. He tackled the mutated monster genre and called it The Best of Yucca Flats. He got Ed Wood favorite, Tor Johnson to play the lead role, roped in a bunch of friends and family to cover the rest, and then trundled out to the California desert to do some shooting. This is the result.

In some ways you can tell this is a film by a first time filmmaker. It is way too long for its subject, but only clocks in at 54 minutes. Scenes are poorly edited, acting is questionable and there are scenes where everything is framed badly. The pacing is a slog. There are no interesting characters to latch on to. There is little to no tension. There is really nothing here to make a compelling film.

And yet, it has so many bizarre quirks and oddities, that in its own way, it is a fascinating watch. Not a good or entertaining viewing experience, but one that you find hypnotic in its horrible execution.

Scenes of Tor wandering around the desert comprise
83% of the film.

Like Red Zone Cuba and Skydivers before it, The Beast of Yucca Flats has some seriously bad camera work and editing. Being the first crack by Francis, he actually improved in his next two features. But this film is the worst. His technique for low angle close-ups starts here. I wonder if this was done so that he could insert them anywhere he wanted a transition or shift. The action scenes are tracked and framed poorly. Other times the scenes are so badly lit or captured from such a distance that it is hard to see what is happening. My screen shots make it pretty clear that this is a hard to watch.

The editing takes it to new level, with scenes cutting out for what appears to be no reason. Other times you get a series of inserts and edits, as if Francis was attempting a montage of some kind. But there is no flow or rhythm. The affect is pure confusion. You can’t tell if the images you see are related, or if they are affecting each other, or anything really. It starts to feel like a series of film sequences just slapped together to create some kind of story.

There is a story here. Javorsky becomes The Beast of Yucca Flats, kills a few people and then is killed by two police officers. But the film seems confused on who it is following and whose story we are working with. Is it the Beast? Is it the cops? Is it the lost kids? No idea. And the film never seems to make up its mind. Too much time is spent with all these storylines when they seem to be doing nothing more than walking around or climbing up and down desert landscapes. No characters are actually developed or created.

"Night on Butt Mountain"

Part of the problem is that the film was made without any synched sound. Or maybe the tapes proved to be unusable with all the desert background sound. In any case, nearly all the dialogue is added later, and very obviously. I’m thinking that Francis knew this was going to happen, because some of the odd framing in the film is designed to block out the characters lips. There are many shots of people from behind, or in shadow or talking off screen while we see a reaction shot. It actually makes the film very surreal in parts, almost David Lynch like. I don’t think Francis was going for surreal, but it is an interesting concept.

I have to mention that Tony Cardoza makes an appearance in this film too. Luckily he doesn’t have to deliver any dialogue (not even lines delivered in post). He plays one of the KGB agents sent to hunt down Javorsky. Yes he’s the least threatening gunman I’ve ever seen, but he does get blown up by an atom bomb, so there is that. The Beast of Yucca Flats is actually filled with familiar faces from the world of Coleman Francis, including coffee loving Joe from Skydivers and Cherokee Jack from Red Zone Cuba.

Tor Johnson plays the beast, and obviously he is here for his looks. Just like Ed Wood, Coleman Francis has Tor wander around the screen, bellow and threaten, and just act like he was a brain dead version of Lobo from Bride of the Monster. Thing is, Tor looks like he’s having trouble moving around. He has no speed, and even though he’s a big guy, he doesn’t seem to have much muscle mass. The result is a large fat man wandering in the desert with some make up on his face. Because Tor can’t move fast, it becomes very hard to believe that he could catch anyone fleeing from him. The most believable scene occurs at the end when the cops think they’ve downed him and get too close. It seems that Tor wasn’t dubbed most of the time, but he doesn’t have any actual lines, just grunts, howls and moans.

Tony Cardoza is a deadly KGB agent.

Instead The Beast of Yucca Flats has another character that does most of the talking: the narrator. It is Coleman Francis himself. He tells us the story, giving us background on Javorsky, the two cops, and the young boys. I suppose this narration is supposed to build the characters, but most of the time it just sounds like filler exposition.

Nearly all the lines in the film seem to ramble and shamble around (kind of like the Beast himself). It is something that Francis always seems to capture in his scripts. Here the narrator provides line after line of randomness. But the thing is, I don’t think these lines are as chaotic as they appear.

Coleman Francis had some very definite themes in his films. Red Zone Cuba was really his most obvious take on these themes, but The Beast of Yucca Flats has plenty of them too. Over and over again, Francis’ narration talks about the characters caught in the wheels of progress. Looking at it from that way, all the events in this film are because of the United States desire to obtain the best technological information. The line that stands out for so many viewers (including Mike and bots) is “Flag on the moon. How did it get there?”

Another character lost in the endless background
of the low angle shot.

Francis implies that our astronauts made it to the moon because they obtained knowledge and secrets from other countries. So Javorsky’s arrival in the United States is going to bring about some more technological change, but the cost is high. Javorsky is destroyed as a man. Innocent people are murdered. Children are threatened. In the end, the whole thing is pointless because Javorsky’s mind is destroyed and his secrets in his briefcase are burned up by the atomic blast (the camera holds on the image of the burning suitcase to make this point clear).

You see this mistrust of the United State government very clearly in Red Zone Cuba as well. While the theme is a bit oblique in The Beast of Yucca Flats it is there, and it does help explain why Francis has all these ironic lines about progress.

If it sounds like I’m giving Coleman Francis too much credit, well I’m not. I think people write off his movies as pure garbage. But I really think he was trying to say something in his films. It’s never a happy message, and his dreary and dower camera work makes the whole thing harder to watch. But the man had a definite theme to his films. Even a stupid monster movie like The Beast of Yucca Flats has this.

Tor is blinded by science!

But the movie fails in delivering its message. Most folks won’t notice this theme, because it is delivered so poorly. The movie also fails as a monster flick. Francis never builds any tension, suspense or dread. The endless scenes of people wandering in the desert or flying over the desert, or running through the desert don’t do anything but slow the pace of the film down. The irony is all these moments are filled with rapid cuts, angle changes and some interesting camera work. The scene where the father is chased by an airplane and shot at has some intense camera work that actually puts you in the action. It is a technique that I haven’t seen done again until 1998 in the film Pi where the lead actor wore a camera rig that locked the camera to him and kept his face in frame while the background moved around him.

It doesn’t matter. Francis keeps any of these long scenes from having any affect on the plot or the characters. People just wander around looking lost and hopeless (even the monster). It does create an atmosphere of doom, but little else.

One bright spot of the film is the ending, which according to stories was completely spontaneous. Francis captured the moment and used it to end the film. As the beast lays dying on the ground, a small rabbit hops up to his body and nuzzles him. He pets it and dies. It is actually the most effective scene in The Beast of Yucca Flats, and it keeps the film from being the absolutely worst film I’ve seen. But in all honesty it is probably right behind Monster a-Go Go. And that is not company you want to keep. So how do Mike and the bots hold up to this beastly film?

Episode Review:

"Listen to the dark voices... yes!"

This was the final Coleman Francis film that Mike and bots got to tackle, and they saved the most painful film for last. It is ironic that Mike started to lose his mind while watching Red Zone Cuba because The Beast of Yucca Flats is a much worse film. Still the boys give it one of their best tries, and things start off really well with some fun riffing of the short films.

Money Talks is a pretty straightforward piece, so the riffing is pretty straightforward as well.  Most of the riffs are solid, but unremarkable. When Benjamin Franklin’s silhouette appears Tom gasps and says, “Alfred Hitchcock!” But there is no mastery of suspense displayed after that. Instead they have some fun with the fact that our young protagonist is seeing ghosts and having full-blown conversations with them. In addition, the young man keeps seeing all kinds of things in his mirror – other than his reflection. After one such vision Crow remarks “That was my darkest vision yet.” I also love the moment where Tom impersonates the boy’s mom and says, “Are you talking to the founding fathers again?” Reminded me of a similar riff in This Island Earth “Are you boys making an Interossiter up there?”

All these folks could work for you, just come to
Puerto Rico.

That short is fun, but Progress Island is the real treasure here. In some ways the riffing reminds me strongly of the material we’d get in the Sci-fi era, much faster, much snarkier and a touch too mean spirited. But that doesn’t keep it from being really funny. And seriously, the short is really asking for it. The way it paints Puerto Rico as an amazing paradise of cheap labor, and does so with reckless abandon makes the whole thing seem desperate and insincere.

So the boys go to town. They riff on everything and everyone on screen. The hilarious ultra-mod 1970s score doesn’t help, but provides the boys with a quick rhythm to move the riffing along. Same with the rapid editing used to connote progress. But the winner is the narration, which is so over blown, but offers so many perfect pauses. The result has the riffing team adding all kinds of additional insights to the narration.

When the voice over declares “Luxury Hotels!” over a shot of a huge building, Tom adds “Are desperately needed.” When the narrator exclaims “Yes, Puerto Rico offers something for everyone.” Crow adds, “Like flights out.” During a scene of folk dancing that seems to be filmed very strangely Mike says, “Yes no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.” As Progress Island wraps up Mike says, “I’d like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico… that we didn’t offend.” As nasty as it does get, the writers of The Amazing Colossal Episode Guide say that the target was the short itself, not the Puerto Rico in particular. It was all done for some fun, and not meant to hurt any feelings. Still we saw this kind of thing again in The Final Sacrifice with some Canadian bashing and Invasion of the Neptune Men when the boys go off on all things Japanese. Just saying.

Another victim, caught in the wheels of progress.

When the movie finally starts the boys seem ready and raring to go, and this is a good thing, because The Beast of Yucca Flats is a real slog. In a way it helps that they have taken on Francis’ previous films, and they use those as leverage for this one. This means there a plenty of callbacks to riffs and situations in Red Zone Cuba and The Skydivers, especially since many members of the cast return for this one. One of my favorites is when Tom says, “I love how deep Tony Cardoza gets into his parts.” And Crow responds, “Yeah he just goes in there and sits.”

There are plenty of riff about Tor Johnson, a gent who has appeared in a couple of their films before. Tom does a pretty good imitation of Johnson’s distinctive voice, and adds all kinds of dialogue to the film. Including a variation on everyone’s favorite line, “Time for go to bed” from The Unearthly.

They have a good time with Francis’ narration. Often they are lost with the rambling sentences. When the narrator says, “Flag on the moon. How did it get there?” Mike responds with “These are all just random thoughts folks.” The whole “Flag on the moon” line became a reoccurring riff used in many later episodes whenever a character said something bizarre or non sequitur.

Flag on the moon. Tor put it there!

Most of the riffs in The Beast of Yucca Flats end up revolving around how punishing the movie is. About half way through Tom says, “So anyway, you can see how this all adds up to a movie.” Later on as Tom stares at another scene of craggy terrain as Tor wanders around he says, “You know, this isn’t very flat.” Crow adds, “I get the Yucca part.”  Tom’s final thoughts, “This movie stops at nothing… and then stays there.

The host segments, much like the narration in the film, are pretty random. It all starts with Mike and bots attempting to wallpaper the satellite of love. The results cause Gypsy to leave the room screaming. The Mad Scientists gloat because they are introducing Proposition Deep 13, which turns out to be the two shorts and the film. The goal? To drive Mike and the bots completely insane and break them once and for all. They treat the whole thing like a political campaign. At the first break a space trailer turns up filled with party kids. Crow joins in the fun, but Tom scares them away. At the next break Crow keeps asking Mike if it 11:30 and then time for lunch. This is based on something that actually happened in the writing room on a regular basis. When we join the boys next time Crow is hosting FAP – the Film Anti-preservation Program. It is meant to let films like The Beast of Yucca Flats rot in peace. He offers that other films like Aspen Extreme or Stop or My Mom Will Shoot are perfect for this treatment. After the film ends, Mike and the bots have survived and deliver a glowing victory speech. The Mads deliver their concession speech.

 

Hey Crow, Martin Scorsese called. He said
you're a bad bad robot.

The Beast of Yucca Flats really is a victory for Mike and the bots. They take one of the worst films ever made (and I don’t use that term lightly, I’ve seen The Room), and make it very funny. Still, it is a dreary slog of a film and if you aren’t in the right mood, even the valiant effort by our guys may not be enough to help you. Riffing on Progress Island makes this worth checking out. As impressive as the feat is, I can’t in good conscience recommend this episode to everyone. If you’ve seen and enjoyed the riffing on Red Zone Cuba, then this give this a shot. But if Skydivers bored you to tears stay far, far away.

I give this three flags on the moon out of five.

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 collection, Volume XVIII.

The Skydivers (1963) – MST3K Review

Summary:

It all starts with a short film called Why Study Industrial Arts? This flick follows Joe as tries to explain to his buddy Bill why industrial arts courses in high school are worth the time and may lead to viable career opportunities. The boys get advice from the wood shop teacher as well as the basketball coach. In the end Joe convinces his doubting buddy that being handy with tools is a truly wonderful thing.

Once upon a time there lived a monotone pilot named Harry (Anthony Cardoza) and his jumpsuited wife Beth (Kevin Casey – no that is not a typo). They ran a skydiving school in the middle of the California desert. While both of them enjoy coffee a great deal, the spark is gone from their marriage. That is why Harry is fooling around with the local floozy, Suzy (Marcia Knight). But Suzy has another beau hanging around, the simple minded Frankie (Titus Moede). He used to work for Harry, but kept showing up to work drunk.

So Harry fires Frankie, gets in a fistfight with him, and Suzy feels slighted by this. So she hatches a crafty plan to get revenge on Harry. Meanwhile Harry’s old army buddy Joe shows up looking for work. He gets hired, but soon starts making googly eyes at Beth. Beth finds him attractive because he enjoys coffee almost as much as she does. I’m not even mentioning the strange party, the endless skydiving scenes and that bizarre folks who just seem to show up all to watch the perils and tribulations of The Skydivers.

Movie Review:

The Industrial Arts course is a hive of activity.

For Centron no topic was off limits for their short films. Why Study Industrial Arts is very typical of their work. It focuses on two high school teens as they explore the topic at hand and get advice from teachers and parents to guide them along the right path. It uses the typical Centron stark black and white photography. But unlike some of the more creative shorts, like Cheating, this movie has a pretty standard set up and direction.

One of the interesting elements to the short is its use of montage. You get three of them in the film, as Joe narrates his feelings about industrial arts, or while his shop teacher describes the types of jobs that utilize training in industrial arts. I don’t remember seeing so many montages in a Centron short before, and they offer some of the best riffing material. But before I get to that, let’s look at the feature film.

Coleman Francis wanted to make movies. He had been an actor for a number of years even appearing as the deliveryman in This Island Earth, but what he really wanted to do was direct. The three films he created are some of the most unique and fascinating in the Mystery Science Theater library. No, they aren’t good, but they are odd little creatures that keep the viewer wondering the simple question… why?

One of these fine folks doesn't like coffee as much
as the others.

If you are going to start with any of Francis’ movies than I suggest you start with Skydivers. It was his second film in the director’s chair, and it is overall the most cohesive and entertaining. It lacks the epic scope of Red Zone Cuba  (or Night Train to Mundo Fine if you prefer) and it is more accomplished than The Beast of Yucca Flats. It has characters, an overarching plot and even a climax of sorts. None of these elements are handled well, but the final result is watchable.

One of the first things you’ll notice in Skydivers is the camera work and editing. There are a lot of close ups on faces, but framed from a low angle and often with too much background looming behind the floating heads. These often look like insert shots, but if you watch these films enough (and only a MST3K fan would do such a crazy thing), you’ll see that these shots are edited from other scenes. That’s when you realize the editing in the film is really hacked, slashed and chopped. Scenes seem to lurch from one moment to another; inserts are placed, and then jumped past (creating an almost montage effect, but without any rhythm). The editing doesn’t cause too much confusion, which is a lucky thing, but it is disconcerting none the less.

Typical Francis framing of a closeup. No matter how
it is framed Tony Cardoza always looks the same.

Sometimes I feel bad about pointing out the faults of actors in a low budget film. I know the director can’t afford the best, he makes due with what he can pay for. But Skydivers really suffers because the performances are so weak. The crux of the film is the tension and drama between Harry and Beth. I think Francis was trying to get us to care about the couple and want them to find some way to get their relationship back on track. The only problem is that the actor playing Harry is really one of the worst I’ve seen. Tony Cardoza just can’t seem to muster a single emotion. He constantly looks sleepy, bored or just plain confused about what he’s supposed to be doing. He delivers almost all his lines in a dreary monotone, even when he’s supposed to be angry, or excited or amused. He generates 0 chemistry with Suzy and 0 tension with Beth. A plank of wood would have been a better casting choice. But then you see that Cardoza was one of the producers, so maybe it isn’t too surprising that he is in the film.

Titus Moede as Frankie isn’t too bad. He plays the simple-minded but lovesick loser well enough. I think Francis hoped he would come across as a bit of a bad boy, but Moede just doesn’t have the presence for it, no matter how big his motorcycle is. He works better as stooge for Suzy. You almost feel sorry for the poor dope at the end of the film. Tomlin as Joe is pretty bad. I get the feeling that he was someone’s friend that decided to help out and be in the movie. He can’t deliver lines, he misses his cues a few times and he just seems a bit confused by the whole thing. Unlike Cardoza, who just seems to be bored and maybe half asleep, I think Tomlin isn’t a professional actor, and was doing the best he could with no experience in front of a camera.

Suzy the floozy squares off agains Beth the... um...
coffee fan?

The ladies in Skydivers fare a bit better. You can see that Casey is trying to make Beth work, but some of the dialogue is absolutely dreadful. Francis’ scripts tended to meander around sputtering into a pointless void, often leaving the actors without much to work with. One perfect example is the scene where Beth and Joe first meet. Casey works fine with the initial greeting, but afterward, when the lines go on and on about coffee, she just seems vacant and alone. Knight does vamp it up as Suzy and of the main cast she is the best. You can see she’s playing Frankie and she even lets her simmering rage show when she executes her plan of revenge.

The music appears to be stock tracks that were edited almost as brutally as the film itself. Francis overlays some interesting musical choices, many times they sound at odds with the visuals on the screen. It seems like a heavy-handed job and creates a kind of surreal disconnect to the film. The band, the Night Jumpers, aren’t too bad actually. They perform a couple of peppy numbers at the bizarre party and provide a little bit of joy to the dreary visuals of the film.

So for the most part it seems that none of the elements of the film work as they should. But the film is watchable for that very reason. Any scene with Cardoza acting is a joy to watch, because he is so wooden and the other cast members struggle to make it work. Or you marvel at the disconnect of the cheery child like score as a plane rolls on a runway in a barren and bleak landscape. Or maybe you’re wondering why coffee is mentioned so many times and seems to be a plot point that just never got fleshed out (don’t worry it shows up in Red Zone Cuba too). You can tell Francis was trying to craft an entertaining film, but he just couldn’t make it work.

"Your cheeks are really flapping today Bill!"

Proof of this comes with the filming of they skydiving scenes, which are done fairly well. You can tell that these skydivers are pros and are doing some pretty interesting stunts; all the while some cameraman is filming all this stuff. You get several scenes, so the film does live up to the title The Skydivers, but as interesting as some of the jumps are, really it’s the same thing over and over again. Plane goes up, guys jump out; they do some mid air antics, and then pull the chutes and land. Yes there is an accident and the infamous acid in the chute scene, but both of these are edited so poorly that they have little to no impact. Instead the stunt skydiving is most interesting camera work in all of Francis’ filmography.

The other element I love about this film are all the strange and random folks who show up, deliver a line or two, or just show their mugs for the camera and are never seen again. There’s a strange guy with a guitar, a random gent taking pictures for no reason, a man holding a chicken and you even have Coleman Francis himself playing a spectator. But the party scene is the king. So many oddballs show up: a bizarre man in a kilt and sporting a horrible mustache, a super skinny guy who can’t stop dancing, and my favorite the blonde Amazon who grabs the skinny guy and flings him around like a toy. Who are these people? Why are they at the party? Why aren’t they in the rest of the movie? Who cares, they make the whole thing that much more fun to watch.

The Skydivers gives you everything you expect in a Coleman Francis film: the bad editing, the horrible performances, meandering dialogue, obsession with coffee and small aircraft, scenes in the desert and an appearance by Francis himself. But what makes this film superior to his other two films is the simple fact that you can watch it, follow it and actually find it entertaining on some level. It also means that of the three Coleman Francis films that Mike and bots tackled, this gave them the most to work with.

Episode Review:

Joe dreams about the wonders of wood shavings.
And is it just me, or does he look like a young
George Lucas?

Season six of Mystery Science Theater 3000 sticks in my mind as the Coleman Francis season. The team tackled all three of his films in that year. This trial by fire proved that the riffing team was up to the challenge of taking on some of the dreariest, most incomprehensible and aimless of films ever put to film. They could turn them into riffing gold. While I think The Starfighters gave them their first real test, The Skydivers was a close second, and it gave them a taste of the pain that would be Red Zone Cuba and The Beast of Yucca Flats.

One of the things that really gets the episode rolling is the wonderful riffing on the Why Study Industrial Arts? short. It has to be in my top ten riffs for shorts in the whole MST3K series. The topic alone gives the boys plenty of fuel for riffing. When the title appears Crow reads it aloud and then adds, “Because you’re bad at math?”

"I can't get this thing back in my pants, Earl."

But the riffing gold comes from the three montages in the short. The first shows various actions taking place in a shop class: cutting planks with a table saw, working with leather, using a chisel and even a close up wood shavings. Joe narrates how much he likes the shop class, “the smell of wood shavings, the feel of chisel against wood, the sound of the table saw.” The boys can’t help it. They start adding all kinds of lines to the list, including “The piercing scream of a freshman” or “I like to sneak in at night and lay on the table saw.” Tom asks, “What about girls, young man?” Crow answers for Joe by saying “No. Chisel.” Joe sums up by saying, “And it feels good, because I’m a craftsman”… to which Mike adds, “And not a killer!”

Yeah they get dark with this one, but that seems to be the case with most of the shorts. Why Study Industrial Arts? continues to deliver the laughs, with the next couple montages and the “semi-nude club” that appears around the basketball coach. Even if the feature doesn’t float your boat, you’ll get plenty of laughs from the short.

Huck Finn and a guy holding  a chicken.

But what about The Skydivers? As bad as this movie is, and make no mistake it is a bad movie, it does provide Mike and bots with plenty to work with. From the poor acting choices, the odd pacing, hideous editing, deranged musical selections, random characters appearing and disappearing and the close up of flapping skydiver cheeks, the boys have a great time with this one.

But all of Coleman Francis’ films have a very dreary feeling to them. Even when the film tries to shine a little joy on the screen, it fails. I still haven’t been able to put my finger on how he managed it, but Francis’ films are all dower. Skydivers ends on a down note, with Harry dying and Beth left alone on the airfield. But the characters are so thin that it is impossible to care. And yet, you feel that part of your soul has died along the way.

What I’m trying to say is that all of Francis’ films can be stifling and overpower folks who are not ready for them. The Skydivers is the best of the bunch, but it still manages to feel depressing. This can make it hard for some viewers to get past the pain of the movie and enjoy the riffing.

Coleman Francis makes his cameo. The woman next
to him would appear in "The Beast of Yucca Flats".

But Mike and the bots go after the film full bore. They unleash a steady stream of riffs and use the jumbled pacing and editing to their advantage, often delivering devilishly quick quips for quick shots. One of my favorite is when a woman with a straw hat is shown on the screen for about five seconds. Tom manages to use his old woman voice and say, “I’m Huck Finn I tell you!” It’s delivered with perfect timing and you almost have to jump back and see if you saw and heard that.

They boys mock the film making elements in Skydivers. Crow feels, “Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film. Mike says, “It seems like they forgot to have things happen in their movie.”

They tackle Beth’s complicated hair, with a couple of good quips. When she nearly crashes a plan as she attempts to take off Mike has her say, “I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked.” Later on Mike adds, “I predict that in the finale she jumps from the plane without a parachute and her hair opens up!”

One of the airplanes has what looks like a face, and Mike creates a Pee Wee Herman inspired voice for it. He declares it Petey Plane and adds all kinds of silly comments to the proceedings.

"Hey did Death come up and play chess with any
of you guys?"

The party scene provides some of the best riffing. All the bizarre folks give Mike and the bots so much to work with. Crow is fascinated with the Amazon gal, and gets excited whenever she’s on the screen. As we watch all the folks twisting to the music, the camera gives us a nice long shot of a polka dot behind shaking. We keep returning to this rear end and Tom observes, “Right here. That’s the butt of choice”. Mike agrees, “Yes. It won the Palm de Butt at Cannes.”

I could go on and on but you get the idea. There is a lot to work with here and even when Mike says, “It’s not The Right Stuff it’s just some stuff”, you get the feeling that there is more than enough stuff to make this one heck of a riffing session.

Mike is made ill after seeing Dr. Forrester's victory dance.
Nice outfits guys.

The host segments in this episode take a strange turn. Things start off with Tom Servo refitting himself into a planetarium projector. Crow ruins the show by repeatedly asking about Uranus. The Mads declare a swing choir competition! Everyone dresses up in hideous costumes, sings silly songs and make general fools of themselves. It’s pretty funny. At the first break, the bots attend an industrial arts class run by Mike. Crow ends up not following proper safety precautions and cuts himself in half. At the next break, Crow finds himself in a double jock lock – a feat that has to be seen to be believed. He won’t ask for help, because this will come up again and he needs to figure a way out. When we return from the theater the next time Crow is admiring his new car. Tom Servo flies by in a plane and blows it up. What a jerk! The final segment revolves around Tom and Crow both tangled up in parachutes while Mike tries to read a letter. Not sure why they decided to heap abuse on Crow, but there you go.

Even if the host segments are all over the place, the short and the film make this episode a winner. The Skydivers provides plenty of laughs if you are willing to accept the punishment of a Coleman Francis movie. But things would only get more disturbing in their exploration of his bleak world.

I give this episode four acid covered chutes out of five.

This episode is available on The Mystery Science Theater Collection Volume 1.