And Then This Happened... Star Trek

When it comes to Star Trek  the original series, there are plenty of goofy moments to pick from. But that is part of what makes watching the series so much fun. There are great stories, great characters and some really interesting and thought provoking plots. But there are just as many hilarious and over the top moments, not to mention silly looking costumes and giggle inducing dialogue. And let's not just pick on the original series here. Pick any episode from season one or two of The Next Generation and you can have some goofy fun as well. But today, you get to caption this scene from the episode Is There in Truth no Beauty?

And then this happened...

King of Kong Island (1968)

Introduction:

The description on the 100 sci-fi classics actually got me excited for this one. It promised mad scientists creating gorilla warlords. There was to be adventure on a mysterious island, and best of all – a descendent of King Kong in the finale. I knew it would be low budget, but hey that would make it for fun, right.

Summary:

Burt Dawson (Brad Harris) is out for revenge against the men who set him up during a payroll robbery gone bad. Along the way he runs into Forrester (Mario Donatone), his old pal who may have a job for him. Forrester’s daughter, Diana (Ursula Davis) has been seized by a man named Turk (Paolo Magalotti) and the diabolical Albert Muller (Marc Lawrence). They are holding her hostage to get at Burt. But Burt is no slouch he jumps into the jungle and tries to find the kidnappers, doing battle with zombie apes and meeting Eva “The Savage Girl” (Esmeralda Barros). And because it’s a jungle movie there will be a ton of stock footage and lots of walking scenes. Can you stay awake long enough to discover who is the King of Kong Island?

Good Points:

• Want beefcake or cheesecake – this movie’s got both!
• A fun and funky late 60’s vibe
• The killer gorilla/zombies are hilarious

Bad Points:

• Lots and lots of walking scenes
• The entire middle portion is duller than dirt
• How does this relate to King Kong again?

Overall:

I think this movie was made to show off the assets of Brad Harris, Esmerelda Barros and Adriana Alben. Because it wasn’t for the plot or the creating anything really entertaining. Some comedy can be mined from the oh so 60’s party at the beginning or the bad monkey outfits, but really this one’s a dud.

Scores (out of 5)

Visuals: 2

Sound: 3

Music: 2

Acting: 2

Script: 1

Direction: 2

Entertainment: 1

Total: 1

In Depth

I don’t expect much form these movies. I just want some cheesy entertainment. So when you promise some giant apes, I just expect to see some giant apes. Instead the King of Kong Island is one let down after the other.

The basic story about Burt wanting revenge on the men the betrayed him during a robbery is dull. We never get a good look at the traitors, and so it actually took me a while to realize these were the same men. Then Burt behaves like such an ass, that I don’t care what happens to him, and hope that Kong comes and squishes him like a grape. Alas, Burt gets to wander around the jungle, take his shirt off and splash around (for the ladies) and then come to the rescue, kinda, at the end. So our protagonist is worthless.

Our villain fares a bit better. Muller is your typical mad scientist type who wants to conquer the world with radio-controlled apes. You know the type. He chews the scenery, threatens the hero, laughs like a loony and makes gross advances on his captive Diana. I think Mr. Lawrence knew just what kind of a dumb movie he was in and just went for it. He played two different mafia toughs in two different Bond movies with the same bit of zeal (Diamonds are Forever and The Man with the Golden Gun).

Then there’s Eva the jungle goddess person or some such stupidity. She basically wanders around the jungle topless (with her long hair in front of her chesticular region, calm down boys), and talks to a chimp. Yeah I guess the chimp is supposed to be the descendent of Kong. She does some stuff to save Burt, but mostly I think she supposed to be a combination of titillation and comic relief she doesn’t do very well with either. Adriana Alben steams up the screen a bit more in her shower scene, but she’s doesn’t really have a point in King of Kong Island other than to have the shower scene and get beaten up by Forrester.

Yeah the nice movie has a scene where a woman gets slapped around and an scene where the villain threatens to rape his captive or have his zombie apes rape her. Jeez! Some movies have no class.

Really that’s what this stupid movie boils down to. It has no class, and no point of really existing. It’s dull in the middle with endless walking scenes and stock footage of African animals. The thrilling scenes make you snore and only the ludicrous apes (and horrific dubbing) provide any laughs. But they honestly aren’t worth it. Stick with any other version of King Kong  or Tarzan if you are in the mood for jungle fun. Or heck even watch Queen of the Amazons over this stupid turd. You’ll be glad you missed this one.

Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (1968)

Introduction:

Last time the 100 Sci-fi Classics gave us “Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet”. This time there are women involved. Ok, but last time the woman had a beehive and looked sedated. What? We get Mamie Van Doren this time? Sign me up!

Summary:

A rocket expedition to Venus ends up crash landing. Little hope is given for Dr. Kern (Georgi Tejkh), Allen Sherman (Yuri Sarantsev) and the robot named John (John Bix). Still a rescue expedition is sent out to find them comprised of Andre (Gennadi Vernov), Hans (Georgi Zhzhyonov) and Commander Lockhart (Vladimir Yemelyanov). Little do they know that the inhabitants of the planet are women who worship a strange reptilian god. They are lead by Moana (Mamie Van Doren) and she doesn’t like Earthlings much. Can our heros survive the “Voyage to Planet of Prehistoric Women”.

Good Points:

• Is filled with all kinds of adventures
• The special effects range from “not bad” to mind-bendingly goofy
• Mamie and the girls wear “interesting” outfits

Bad Points

• Some of the characters are aggressively annoying
• A confusing dub script renders logic useless at times
• Rendered even more dull by the new sequences with the ladies

Overall:

Ouch, did this one hurt. Ok, it’s basically reused footage from “Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet” but edited even worse than before. New footage with a half naked Mamie and girls adds visual interest, but makes the movie plod even slower than it originally did. All the fun of the previous film is sucked away leaving a husk of a film. Need a Mamie Van Doren fix – don’t bother with this.

Scores (out of 5)

Visuals: 3

Sound: 2

Acting: 2

Music: 2

Script: 2

Direction: 1

Entertainment: 2

Total: 2

In Depth

You know I really don’t have much to add. Check out my review of “Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet”. I’ll wait till you read that over.

Ok, now that you know what that film was like imagine the movie cut up with a chainsaw. Then imagine someone adding a horrible voice over providing inane narration. Then imagine a long opening montage about space travel over models of spacecraft done just to pad the film. Finally imagine Mamie and her girls wandering around a rocky beach looking bored, high or bemused.

Having watched this so close to the previous film, I found this extremely boring. Maybe if a few months had passed, I would have enjoyed it a bit more, so I gave it better scores than I really felt. The Russian portions of the film are still pretty impressive, but the editing really butchers this one. I say avoid it.

Planet of the Apes (1968)

Introduction:

How many times has this movie been parodied, referenced and just plain imitated? Too many to count. Most people forget that the original film actually had an edge to it, something the sequels gradually lost in place of silliness. Many consider it a sci-fi classic. But just as many think of it as a camp classic. Where will I fall?

Summary:

Colonel George Taylor (Charlton Heston) and his crew find themselves marooned on an alien world. At first they struggle just to survive the crash and find a place where they can get fresh water. They are eventually captured by the native people of the world - apes who speak and walk like humans. Taylor is injured and unable to communicate, but Dr. Zira (Kim Hunter) feels that he is no mere animal (like the other humans on this world) but an intelligent creature. She enlists of the help of her companion Cornelius (Roddy McDowall) and tries to convince Dr. Zaius (Maurice Evans) of the fact. But most of the apes don’t want to acknowledge that a human can be intelligent. When Taylor gets his voice back things go from bad to worse. What is the secret of the “Planet of the Apes”?

Good Points

• An interesting concept at the heart of the story
• Jerry Goldsmith provides an innovative and intense score
• Impressive costumes and effects for the time

Bad Points

• A bit heavy handed in places
• Some of the acting is over the top
• Overexposure has hurt the film for modern viewers

Overall

In a way this movie is tough to judge from a subject stance. Its so familiar that the ending is even telegraphed on the DVD cover! They figure you already know the twist. But beyond that, there is a lot of interesting ideas about human nature at the heart of the story, and they make this a little more than a simple adventure story. It may be over the top and a little silly, but there is a darkness to it, one that the end really brings home. While the first 15 minutes were on the slow side, things get interesting very quickly and overall I enjoyed the film.

Scores (out of 5)

Visual: 4

Sound: 3

Music: 4

Acting: 3

Script: 4

Direction: 4

Entertainment: 4

Total: 4

Curious about a full review, send me an email and I'll make additional thoughts to this review.

Diabolik (1968) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Super cool super thief Diabloik (John Philip Law) and his lover Eva (Marisa Mell) are the most wanted criminals in Europe. Time and again they execute impossible jobs under the nose of the exasperated Inspector Ginko (Michel Piccoli). But now big time gangster Ralph Valmont (Adolfo Celi) is tired of the police coming down on his operations to find Diabolik. So he teams up with Ginko in attempt to catch the super thief and get him out of the way for good. Little do they know that they are dealing with a man who is a master of disguise, has a super secret lair, crazy gadgets and the endless devotion of Eva. It’s going to take more than these two knuckleheads to catch the uncatchable Diabolik!

Movie Review:

We’ve seen this before. Take one fairly good film – edit the crap out of it, and if it’s foreign make sure to dub it atrociously. Then slap it on VHS or on TV and make a quick buck. MST3K has thrived on these disasters in the past, especially in the form of the Russian fantasy films or the Japanese TV adventures. But another avenue for comedy are the endless 60’s and 70’s European rip offs for the James Bond franchise. Most of these were made in Italy and some even featured Bond cast members getting face time for a paycheck or two.

A little of that is going on here. Diabolik is actually based on a long running Italian comic book series about an antihero who goes out of the way to punish cops and criminals alike. This fits in fine with the late 60’s anti-police sentiment. The movie is filled to bursting with style and color and European finesse. The plot is pretty thin, but the objective was to make a movie as dynamic as the comic book it was based on.

But whatever success the movie made have had in its original incarnation is obliterated in this edited junk that Mike and the bots must endure. Taken out of context Diabolik seems like a madman, killing police and citizens because his Eva wants a necklace, or because he wants to steal some gold and thumb his nose at Ginko. Then there’s the ending, which leaves Diabolik trapped in gold and winking at the audience. So he’s defeated? The whole movie is spent showing you how cool he is and how dumb the cops are and you end it with him getting caught, kinda? Editing makes turns Diabolik into a mess.

The whole late 60’s vibe is extremely dated at times. The mocking of authority comes across as childish. Eva’s hair and outfits are so “cool” they generate laughter. I have to mention the club scene that would fit perfectly in an Austin Powers movie. It’s even got swirling lights and groovy music blaring. If you don’t know that it’s supposed to be over the top and flashy, the movie comes across as ridiculous and bizarre.

The dubbing doesn’t help. John Philip Law is obviously speaking in English as are a few other minor characters, but just about everyone else is obviously speaking another language and dubbed by the most grating voices that could be found. One of my favorites is Valmont’s arm candy who can’t stop babbling. Valmont snaps at her to “Shut yup!” so many times you start cheering him on.

Then there’s the music, done by the incomparable Ennio Morricone (famous for his work on Clint Eastwood’s spaghetti westerns). Morricone’s music is very catchy and distinctive in this movie, but it’s also very silly. With the opening credits playing to what sounds like a bunch of women singing “Dee Dee Daa” you just can’t take it seriously. It’s all very entertaining, but can see others finding it a major distraction.

This version of Diabolik is pretty strange, and if you don’t understand what it’s trying to be, a lot of humor can be found. But at its heart it’s not a bad movie at all. Fans of 60’s style and flash should find the unedited version and check it out – I think you’ll have a blast.

Episode Review:

We’ve arrived at the final episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Over its ten year run the show has had several finales. Some of them were your typical season ending episodes. Others were more important: the change of hosting duties from Joel to Mike, or the final episode done for Comedy Central. Sad to say that compared to those episodes Diabolik ends up falling a bit flat. I’ve been saying for the last few episodes that a lack of energy is apparent in the show, and here it rears its ugly head again. What should have been a real send off comes across as a middle of the road episode, one that doesn’t really celebrate the last ten years, but feels almost like the cast and crew going through the motions.

I’m getting a bit harsh here. It’s only noticeable if you compare it to episodes like Mitchell, Laserblast or even something like Overdrawn at the Memory Bank the finale of season eight. You still have very entertaining moments. Many of those will come for long time fans of the show, and appear during the host segments. Those who watch the show for the movie riffing will be a bit disappointed.

This is another case where riffing a movie that doesn’t take itself seriously to begin with backfires on the riffers. If Diabolik was made in the same spirit as Batman from 1989 or Dark Knight from 2008, it would have been a different story. But this is more in the style of the 60’s Batman television series melded with James Bond at his most over the top: You Only Live Twice for instance. It’s bright gaudy and silly and knows it. This makes mocking the movie seems kind of pointless. So Mike and bots best moments of riffing occur when they comment on how over the top everything is.

My favorite riffs come from Crow this time around and are all based on the musical score and songs by Morricone. During a guitar driven theme as a car races away Crow starts singing along to the music, "going down to the store, gonna pick up some bread". Then during the infamous “Deep Deep Down” song in the opening credits, Crow says, “You know I’ve been considering the argument presented here, and I have to say, Dee Dee Daa guys. Seriously” Tom and Mike nod in agreement. The song is played again during the love scene. As Diabolik and Eva face mash Crow quips to the song, “Deep Deep Tongue!”

I also enjoy the riffing on the high tech lair of Diabolik. When the secret door opens to his garage, Tom wonders how much he had to pay the contractors to make that thing. When Eva walks into a long plastic tube leading to the bedroom Mike says in an effeminate voice, “I love what you’ve done with the Habitrail”. Anyone who’s had a hamster as a kid will get a kick out of it.

But other moments just kinda drift by with fewer riffs or ones that fall flat. Some of the strangest sequences in Diabolik don’t get much mention. This riffing session is just adequate at best. I was in the mood for it this viewing and enjoyed it, but the previous viewing left me very cold.

This episode is better remembered for its host segments and frankly for fans of the show they are the real reason to seek this episode out. Things start off with Tom having issues getting his hover skirt to work properly. Turns out the Satellite of Love Employee Handbook was wedged in there. The procedure writer in me got a kick out of Pearls rules and regulations. Pearl then rigs up a joystick to control the SOL with. She is using it so vigorously that she breaks it, causing the SOL to plummet down toward earth. There’s no way to stop the fall, so Pearl decides to let Mike crash, but first one last movie. At the first break Mike and the bots have packed and are discussing what to do with all the extra Tom Servos around the ship (a nice little nod to long time viewers who’ve seen Tom duplicated many times). At the next break we check in at Castle Forrester. Everyone’s got a new job, Pearl is the new dictator for life of Qatar, Bobo will be working at the zoo and Observer… um well, he’s got a lot of stuff going on… really. For the next break Crow is scared of living on Earth, so Mike’s come up with a nice little song called “To Earth” to cheer Crow up. We haven’t had a good song from the crew in a while (Joel used to do that a lot more). It’s a fun one to end on.

The final segment has the SOL coming in for a landing. Everything starts going wrong, with pieces of the ship fall off. Mike asks Pearl for help. Her reply, “Look Nelson, move on. I have.” And she cuts the connection. The SOL crashes! Then we’re in a little apartment with Crow and Tom sitting on the couch. Mike is coming over with a big bowl of rice (a nod to his attempt at creating EXTREME RICE!). Turns out Gypsy now runs a huge company and is making tons of money. She was always the smartest one of the robots. While Mike and the bots settle in the watch a movie. Turns out its The Crawling Eye, the same movie Joel and the bots riffed back in 1989 for the first official episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

That final segment is one of my favorites and really it’s the best of the bunch (as much as I enjoy the song). It wraps up the show really well. It’s a shame the rest of the episode is really only an average effort. But as I and many fans of the shows will point out, even an average episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 is better than just about any average episode of television comedy. Maybe I hold it against the episode that it’s the last one, but I wish they had gone out with something like “Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders”.

Still I give Diabolik three gold encrusted super thieves out of five.

This episode is available on DAP

The Girl in Gold Boots (1968) - MST3K Review

Summary:

Michele (Leslie McRae) was born to dance. When Buz (Tom Pace) meets her, he offers to take her to Los Angeles to meet his sister Joanie (Bara Byrnes), who can make Michele into a star. Since her life is going no where as a waitress, she joins him. Along the way they meet Critter Jones (Jody Daniels) a free spirit with a guitar and a gentle attitude. But Los Angeles changes everything. Michele may be a star, but her boss is an oily drug lord. Buz, who was on a criminal path to begin with, joins right in with his own caper. Only poor Critter sees the danger, but his love for Michele may not be enough to save her. You see, the lure of drugs, bongos and oily men may be enough for this "Girl in Gold Boots".

Movie Review:

What you've got here is a movie that tells your typical rise to stardom story in a very 1968 kinda way. On an interesting side note, this movie has an almost identical plot to the infamous "Showgirls" of 1995. Girl wants to dance. Girl gets to dance. Dancing nearly destroys here. Girl meets good guy. They escape. The big difference (aside from the fashion and slang) would be the budget. "Showgirls" was multi-million dollar mess. "Girl in Gold Boots" has a much smaller budget and at least it can use that as an excuse.

The basic story isn't bad, not original, but not bad. It's just all the little strange touches that pop up. Buz is the main issue here. When we meet him, he seems like the dangerous rebel type. I think we're supposed to like him - not sure really since Mr. Pace plays him like a jerk the whole time. I think Buz is a mini story - of a corruptible character brought low. Michele is the opposite, all naive and full of joy and then turned onto the dark path, before she is rescued by Critter. The trick is Buz and his story take up a lot of screen time. He gets involved in a caper late in the film and we get to see all of it. What this has to do with Michele's story is beyond me. It affects her in an indirect way, but there is no need to show the planning of the caper and the execution. Buz isn't the love interest, he's just this odd third character that gets too much screen time for his plot importance.

Critter would have been a better focal point, but he's not that interesting. He gets to sing some songs while strumming on guitar. He gets to fall in love with Michele. And he gets to say all kinds of silly/meaningful dialogue. But in the end we don't get to know him too well. His big revelation, that he is a draft dodger, may have been included to add a bit of bad boy to his role. But it only makes him look like a putz. So Michele can pick Critter the putz, or Buz the sociopathic loser. Um... yeah.

Michele doesn't come across as the brightest bulb in the box. Part of it is McRae's acting, but the role is pretty badly written as well. Michele is supposed to naive, but she acts more like a very young child, than a sheltered young woman. Her interaction with oily sleazy Leo (Mark Herron) just seals the deal. This guy just looks like trouble, and when he talks and oozes up to her, you just know he's up to no good. But Michele buys right into his lines. If she's that dumb, it's hard to feel sorry for her fate. Oh and I don't want to sound rude, but McRae isn't a very good dancer, so its really hard to buy that she is the star attraction anywhere.

There are a lot of songs in this movie, and most of them have a typical sound of the late 60's. You've got a mix of Beatles-sequel sound, Go-go music for the dancing sequences, bongo playing, and of course the folksy ballads courtesy of Critter. None of them are god awful, but most are non-descript. Some provide some unintentional laughs at the odd lyric combinations.

Mostly there are the odd sequences such as the whole dune buggy on the beach scene. I think it's supposed to show how much fun Buz, Critter and Michele are having on their journey, but it occurs so suddenly and is so odd that you can't help but laugh. Later Michele smokes a joint at a party and does a very strange little dance to a bongo player's rhythm. The whole party sequence is bizarre and well worth seeing. Then there is the Haunted House club. It's got a monster behind the stage that shoots smoke from his nostrils and has glowing eyes. There are bats, skeletons and all kinds of crazy things all over the place. It's hilarious and kinda kitschy all at the same time. I doubt any performance here would catapult anyone to the big time. At least it's more realistic than Club Scum from "Hobgoblins". And finally there is the scene where Bara Byrnes has a huge breakdown and screams, "I want my pretty mind back!" A great acting moment in the MST3K cannon.

Episode review:

With this episode Sci-Fi Channel finally loosened the restriction on the type of movies that MST3K could tackle. And so they went to a genre that had served them well in the past - teens in peril. Much like The Beatniks, I Accuse My Parents or Kitten with a Whip, this type of movie has plenty of good material to riff on, and it offers a nice break from the constant sci-fi/horror/fantasy output of the past couple years. It also gives us songs that Mike and bots can improvise with.

This is one of my favorite episodes of this season. There is so much good material here that it really makes me wish that Sci-fi had let them attack this kind of film earlier. From our opening moments in the restaurant known as "Eat", to the grand finale with Critter and Michele rocking out on the beach before he is shipped off to Vietnam there are plenty of laughs. Buz and his delinquent tendencies provide all kinds of opportunities. Tom Pace looks to be in his mid 30's, yet people keep calling him "young man" or "kid". In addition he has a peculiar accent that the guys keep mocking. Every time Buz is on screen, there's lots of comedy - especially the whole "elf" moment.

Between Critter's goofy songs and Michele's attempts at dancing, it's hard to say which is funnier. Aside from the afore mentioned party scene, Michele graces us with several dances at the club. Combined with the hit song "Girl in Gold Boots" and her back up dancers - well it's a sight to behold; one that the movie shows you about three different times. I guess they were proud. Then there is the hilarious scene where Critter sings a love ballad while images of Michele appear behind him. Mike and the bots use it to the full advantage offering commentary by Michele's ghostly floating head.

Then there's Leo and his gangsters and the whole caper plot. Wow, the amount of oily sleaze on display here is pretty impressive. Lots of great riffs on Leo's whole demeanor and his 60's slang. And when he shares the screen with Buz, well it's comedy gold really. From top to bottom, the movie provides solid laughs and more than a few fall down funny comments.

The host segments are pretty funny as well. The show starts with Crow answering the question, "What would Buffy St. Marie Do?" Pearl then reveals that she's not a fully accredited mad scientist. An inspector is sent to verify her insanity - this results in electric shocks and a latex hump. The first break has Crow reenacting Buz's confrontation with the bikers. Mike gets to play the biker. The next break, and this time Crow is inspired to dance like the women in the movie. Mike is visibly disturbed. For the next break Mike is inspired and sings a folksy love song - just like Critter. And this causes the disembodied head of Crow to appear over his shoulder. When the film concludes Mike and the bots are all dressed like oily sleazy Leo. Pearl's experiment is considered a failure until Observer appears... I can't say much more other than this segment shows just how far the crew at Best Brains will go to make you laugh. Bill Corbett, you are a brave man.

With that said, this is an easy episode to recommend, especially if you enjoy these types of films. MST3K often had a blast with teens in peril flicks, and it was nice to have one more before the show ended it's run. Not a big surprise that it turned into one of the best episodes of season ten.

I give it five gold boots out of five... but then again, I'm just a child.

This episode is available in Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection Volume 4.