Gamera vs. Guiron (1969) – MST3K Review

Summary:

The story starts when two boys Akio (Nobuhiro Kajima) and Tom (Christopher Murphy) see a flying saucer land in the field near Akio’s house. They get pretty darn excited about this and head off to investigate. Akio’s little sister dogs their trail and they manage to avoid the goofy local cop named Officer Kondo (Kon Omura). When they find the saucer they discover that the ramp is down. So they just walk right on in and start messing with the controls. Well wouldn’t you know it, the ship blasts off and they are traveling the solar system to a mysterious planet.

Gamera (friend to all children) tries to save the boys, but the saucer is too fast for him. When the boys land on the mysterious world they meet two space babes named Florbella (Reiko Kasahara) and Barbella (Hiroko Kai). The two gals try to convince the boys that they want to meet peacefully with the people of earth. But obviously something sinister is afoot. They control a horrible monster with a knife shaped head and a lousy attitude. His name is Guiron, and he’s just itching for a fight with the biggest monster of all – Gamera! Will Akio and Tom escape the clutches of the space babes and survive the epic showdown of Gamera vs. Guiron?

Movie Review:

Guiron attacks the city of tomorrow!

To me this is the best of the Gamera films from this era. It has Gamera beating up monsters, it has bad dubbing, it has creative miniatures and special effects, it has a couple kids caught up in the action – it just hits all the right beats. But on top of all of that, Gamera vs. Guiron goes completely off-roading in the plot department. This nearly breaks the goofy meter and makes the whole thing a blast to watch.

Most of these movies, from Gamera to Gamera vs. Gaos (and most of the Godzilla movies as well) have a standard plot. A Major metropolis is threatened by giant evil monster. Japanese scientists and the military attempt to stop the threat, but fail. The Hero monster shows up and faces the villain monster. Much property is destroyed, but the hero monster fails. Villain monster goes on the rampage, and our primary human characters are threatened. The Hero monster returns and proceeds to beat the tar out of the Villain monster. More property damage is caused, but in the end the earth is saved.

The only way that saucer could pass me was if
was running on Nitro.

Gamera vs Guiron eschews that plot and focuses on the adventures of two young boys. This plot is something that only a young boy who has grown up on Japanese monster movies could come up with. Our heroes live the ultimate adventure! They ditch their parents and little sister. They outrun a ROCKET POWERED TURTLE! They find an alien planet. They meet space babes. They see a super scary monster that has the head of a knife and can shoot shuriken (ninja stars) from his face! Then it turns out the space babes want to eat the kid’s brains (see, girls have cooties and are scary!)  Finally Gamera arrives to rescue our heroes, trounce the monster and save the day. When the boys get home, they are famous, praised for their bravery and Akio even delivers an emotional speech that inspires the adults. I’m telling you, this film was aimed directly at the target audience and delivered.

So yeah, the 8-year-old boy in me thought this one was just great.

Space babes provide Akio with a close encounter.

One of the reasons this film is more interesting to watch than the previous ones is the amazing creativity on display for the alien world and technology. Granted it isn’t anything super complicated, but it is all bright, colorful and just plain wacky looking. The space babes are dressed in ridiculous costumes, and I love that their normal language is sped up chipmunk style gibberish. The transporter pyramids and triangle buttons are really cool looking. And then you have all the model work for the alien world, which provides Gamera vs. Guiron with plenty of material to destroy and use in the battles. The flying saucer is cool looking even sporting fins and spinning lights. But one of my favorite bits of technology is the trap the space babes use to shave Akio’s head so they can devour his brains. One of these devices should be in every home.

Guiron himself is ludicrous looking. He crawls on all fours, slices and dices with his knife head, and can shoot shuriken in just about any direction he wants. Only a kid could come up with that creature. When we first see him, he actually fights with a Space Gaos (a silver version of the monster seen in Gamera vs Gaos). Guiron makes quick work of the monster and starts slicing him up like a sushi roll. The amount of monster blood on the screen is surprising. But this also makes the viewer realize that Guiron is one bad monster. Remember how much trouble Gamera had with Gaos? Well Guiron just kicked Gaos’ ass without even trying. Damn!

I swear this looks less obscene in the movie... kinda.

Needless to say the monster fights are a ton of fun . With so many whirling blades, Gamera really takes a licking. In fact Gamera is spouting blood from many wounds by the end of his first encounter. There are a few classic moments in these battles that you have to see if you love giant monster films. Gamera swings Guiron by his tail in one scene. In another you witness Gamera perform some gymnastics… a scene so hilarious it matches Godzilla popping a wheelie in Godzilla vs. Megalon.

One of the new elements of Gamera vs Guiron that immediately catches your attention is the score and song by Shunsuke Kikuchi. The score is comprised of some really catchy tunes. Unfortunately they are played over and over again, so you may start to lose your patience with them. But this is also the first film to feature the Gamera theme song! This puppy is an instant earworm, and you’ll find yourself singing along in Japanese before you know it.

Here's a tip, if the door to the alien craft is open...
don't wander in!

Let’s talk a bit about the dubbing. Yes, it’s horrible. But we knew that going in. What is really strange about this dub is the odd stilted way the kids are performed. Most of their dialogue sounds clunky and way too elaborate to be coming out of kids who are in the single digits. I’m not sure if this was done to match the lip flaps, or if it a more accurate translation. The final result is some stupendously awkward line readings by Akio and Tom. Another oddity is that they keep referring to planets as stars. So when the boys land on the strange alien world, they keep referring to it as “a newly discovered star”, even though the planet is still in our solar system. Also of note is the scientist in the opening sequence. His speech during the press conference is absolutely horrible. The way the script is written he…. keeps pausing… at the strangest…. times, and …. often confusing the point…. he… was trying to…. make. It is so stilted you’re wondering if it is supposed to be funny, or just one of the worst dubbing jobs you’ve ever seen.

Kon-chan finds a clue.

Aside from that, most of the acting works OK. Akio and his little sister are probably the best of the lot. Tom is a bit wooden, but hey, if you watch the Japanese version, you’ll notice that he and his mother are actually speaking their lines in Japanese. Not bad for gaijin. Comic relief comes in the form of Officer Kondo, who the kids call Kon-chan. By adding “chan” to the end of his name, this make it sound like he’s a little kid, and Kon Omura plays the part very broadly like a child-like adult. He is the only one that believes the little sister (Miyuki Akiyama) that her brother flew away in a saucer. He is also the first person to believe that Gamera may be able to save the boys. Kon-chan mugs quite a bit, but he doesn’t have much screen time.

Time for us to kick this film up a notch.

One of the biggest improvements Gamera vs. Guiron shows ever the likes of Gamera vs. Barugon is the pacing. The movie plugs along at a fair clip, always putting the boys into new adventures, new environments, or adding a twist to the plot of the Space Babes. The only slow part is that fairly useless sequence with the scientist at the press conference at the beginning of the film. It doesn’t have much impact on the rest of the story, and it drags like you wouldn’t believe. But once the boys show up everything starts moving a lot better.

To me, this is a very entertaining giant monster movie. It’s creative and fun. It has moments that come out of left field. It has some bloody and brutal monster action. Best of all, it moves at a really good pace. As much fun as Gamera vs. Gurion is without any riffing, for Joel and the bots, this is a gift-wrapped present that they can’t resist.

Episode Review:

He looks great so far, but will he land the dismount?

Mystery Science Theater 3000 had a lot of fun with dubbed Japanese movie riffing. Godzilla vs Megalon is a classic. Time of the Apes and Fugitive Alien are some of the best riffing of compressed televisions shows into movies they’ve ever done. But when it comes to Gamera, Gamera vs Guiron is the funniest episode by far. Everything is fair game and the writing just nails all kinds of riffs from the obvious and silly to the absurd and obscure. There is so much good material here, I don’t want to spoil any of it, but I’ll give you a few ideas of where the boys go.

Some of the funniest riffs come from the score and the Gamera theme song. In the early portions of the film, a silly little tune plays as Akito and Tom attempt to reach the saucer. Joel, Tom and Crow come up with various lyrics for the tune that will crack you up. But the big musical winner here is the Gamera theme song. It is so catchy and exciting Joel and bots can’t help but bounce around in their seats and soon adapt lyrics for the song. This spills over into two musical host segments based on the Gamera theme.

Cornjob is filled with surprise and delight at Gamera's
arrival.

This episode also features a couple of running jokes. Because of the poor dubbing, Joel and bots don’t hear that the kids call Officer Kondo, Kon-chan. Instead they hear, Cornjob. So the rest of the film they keep calling him officer Cornjob and take off with the riffs on this buffoon.

The other running joke is that little Tom looks a teeny tiny bit like Richard Burton – you know if you squint real hard. So the boys just have a field day with all kinds of Richard Burton jokes and lines. So yeah Gamera vs. Guiron now has a connection to Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf. Who knew?

Of course the monsters get a lot of attention by the riffers. Guiron with his knife shaped head induces all kinds of cutting and knife puns. Just when you think the boys are spent, they come up with another clever play on words. Gamera’s actions inspire plenty of riffing, especially his turn at acrobatics. I love when Gamera comes charging in and Crow gasps, “Gamera is playing chicken!” Tom responds, “No, he just tastes like chicken.”

"Don't start with me Akio!"

The model work on the alien world also gets its share of riffing. Tom decides it looks like “a Ramada Inn from 1976.” But Joel thinks it looks like “Fraggle Rock”. But once Guiron explodes from the earth, Tom decides, “Oh they landed in California: earthquakes, no water, giant monsters.”

Near the end of the film a group of scientists rush to the saucer-landing site, Tom quips, “We are form the padding department. Show us to the plot hole.” Crow determines that Gamera vs Guiron “is just like Hamlet.” Tom replies, “Yes. There are many parallels…. Wait, WHAT?”

The host segments are pretty solid too. The episode starts with Tom and Crow discussing trading school lunches from MST3K lunch boxes. For the invention exchange, the Mads create Rorschach test centerfolds. They see some pretty steamy stuff in those inkblots. Joel creates a collapsible trash can for camping. At the first break the boys hold a “Let’s Go Gamera” sing along! At the next break Joel attempts to saw Crow in half using Tom as Guiron blade. Crow ruins the whole skit. When we come back again, the Crow is Richard Burton and Joel narrates a biopic of his life. Tom rounds out the cast as Liz Taylor and Lee Majors. When the episode ends, Joel and the bots attempt to sing the Gamera theme song in Japanese. This is either really silly or borderline offensive. I can’t deiced which, but it is pretty darn funny either way. The episode ends with Mike playing Michael Feinstein crooning to the Mads and telling them the origin of the Gamera theme song. The Mads are driven to kill.

The Gamera Theme song gets mutilated by Joel and the bots.

Well this may not be a Shakespearean epic, but it is a lot of fun. I’ve just given you the tip of the riffing iceberg, so go ahead and seek this episode out. You will not be disappointed.

Gamera will return in Gamera vs. Zigra!

I give Gamera vs Guirion five gymnastic rocket turtles out of five.

This episode is available on the MST3K vs Gamera boxset (Vol. XXI).

And now, the Gamera Song, so you can sing along at home...

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

Introduction:

By the time You Only Live Twice wrapped up filming, Sean Connery was done. Making the films was proving to be grueling and the intense spotlight of being James Bond was getting too bright. He wanted out and the producers couldn’t convince him otherwise. A lot of people felt that the series was done. For them Sean Connery was James Bone – period. But the producers felt they had a viable franchise and formula. Bond could be played by another actor, and they were going to prove to everyone that James Bond would Return.

Summary:

James Bond (George Lazenby) is still pursuing his nemesis Blofeld (Telly Savalas). But the trail has gone cold and Bond is spending his time gambling on the French Rivera. It is there he meets Tracy (Diana Rigg) the daughter of a powerful and wealthy “businessman” named Draco (Gabriele Ferzetti). Draco may be the head of a crime syndicate. Tracy and Bond connect in a way neither expects. When Draco learns of this, he makes a deal with Bond. If Bond can get Tracy to fall in love with him and calm her reckless and wild ways, then Draco will provide Bond with information where Blofeld is hidden.

Bond’s desire to capture Blofeld is stronger than his drive to enjoy a bachelor’s lifestyle, so he agrees. He quickly finds himself caring about Tracy and really falling for her. So it is actually with some regret that he obtains a lead from Draco. But Bond figures this will be his toughest one yet, because Blofeld is hatching a deadly scheme that will destroy the world’s food supply. If Bond can stop him, then this is the last mission he will serve On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. But fate is going to deal him quite a different hand.

Good Points:

• Takes the best plot from the Fleming novels and brings it to life
• One of the best scores of the entire James Bond franchise
• Brings the thrills and danger back to the franchise

Bad Points:

• The romance heavy first half may be too slow for some viewers
• James Bond in love this isn’t James Bond!
• Tries too hard to be familiar and new at the same time

Overall:

This movie has its flaws, but George Lazenby isn’t one of them. He is the main reason I see people write this one off. However it’s got a great story that actually evolves James Bond as a person. It puts him in some real danger (with the awesome stunt work to show it off). Rigg and Savalas are excellent in their roles. The whole package is top-notch material, and is easily one of the best 007 adventures of the 1960s.

Scores (out of 5)

Visuals: 4

Sound: 4

Acting: 4

Script: 5

Music: 5

Direction: 5

Entertainment: 4

Total:  4

In Depth Review

Bond. James Bond. - 1969

No matter who followed Sean Connery for On Her Majesty’s Secret Service they were going to be unfairly compared and probably disliked. The mentality that Connery was Bond was nearly a given. The producers were fighting an uphill battle and I think they knew it. So they had to knock this out of the park or else it was the end of 007. What is funny is that most people think this movie bombed and was received poorly by critics. But the movie actually did very well in theaters. No it didn’t reach the highs of Goldfinger or Thunderball, but to expect that isn’t realistic. Most critics enjoyed the movie. This was not a half assed low budget cash in. You can see the effort on the screen, something that can’t be said for the films that followed, which can look pretty cheap in comparison (yeah Diamonds Are Forever I said it!).

An honest to goodness avalanche.

When most people remember the setting of this film, it is the snowy peaks of Switzerland that dominate the final two thirds of the film. There is some amazing location shooting in this movie, with impressive helicopter shots. I also have to mention the footage taken on skis. OHMSS features the first James Bond ski chase, and actually gives you two for the price of one. Some of this footage is just plain crazy. When you see all the various camera techniques used to film these action scenes it is amazing. The stunts are top notch and no other Bond film has come close to this much excellent ski action (but ForYour Eyes Only comes really damn close). To top it off, the avalanche you see in the film was actually real. You read that right, no models in those shots. There is also a completely insane car chase scene that puts Bond and Tracy in the middle of a stock car race.

Portugal gives us some additional location footage, mostly for the scene around Draco’s home and during the Riviera sequences. Draco’s birthday scene is most impressive with a full-fledged bullfight captured on screen. But the location is used again for the wedding at the finale of the film, and the mountain top road leading away from it.

Bond meets the Angels of Death.

In addition to the location work, the production design for On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is handled well. The movie is going for a more realistic look and Adam’s futurist style would not have fit. Many of the sets have the opulent looks that you expect in a Bond film, but lack that extra touch of fantasy of the previous three films.

Like nearly all the James Bond films of the 60s and 70s, there is some rear projection work in this movie that is less than convincing. It can be distracting and I’ll admit that does affect the final face off of the film a bit. The final sequence occurs on a bobsled run with Bond and Blofeld attempting to kill each other at high speed. The stunt work is jaw dropping, but the rear projection inserts look silly. It’s a shame too, because it robs this final battle of the punch it should have.

Who knew? James Bond invented the slip and slide.

One more key element to the visuals is the unique editing used in the film. Of all the James Bond films up until Skyfall this movie is the most visually interesting when it comes to camera angles, fight scene editing and overall execution. Director Peter Hunt started out as an editor, and his influence on the final visual product is distinctive. It really gives the film it’s own rhythm and feeling. This is a long film, clocking in at 142 minutes, but Hunt’s visual style and editing panache help the whole movie just fly by.

Piz Gloria is one of the most spectacular locations
in the franchise.

Most of the sound effects work in the Bond films is impressive. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service doesn’t disappoint in that regard. But what is interesting is that Hunt decided to shake things up a couple times during the film and used sound in interesting ways. During a fistfight in a tight corridor where Bond attempts to escape some of Draco’s goons, the punches and sounds of the bodies hitting the walls is run through an echoplex.  The result is one of the most surreal fistfights in a 007 adventure. On top of that, you have what director Peter Hunt wanted to go down as the noisiest fistfight in action film history. Bond beats up one of Bloefeld’s minions in a shack filled with bells. The men throw each other around and create one hell of a ruckus. It’s an unusual battle to say the least.

The soft glow of John Barry's score adds to
the romance of the movie.

Composer John Barry returned for his fifth consecutive James Bond adventure. Many film score fans feel that his score to On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is the best film score he ever wrote for a James Bond film. In addition to a thrilling main theme for the action, he also composed a beautiful love theme called We Have All the Time in the World, sung by Louis Armstrong. I wrote a whole blog about the music and how it works in the films, you can check that out here. Suffice to say, this is easily one of the best scores to any of the 007 films, and is a great place to start your James Bond music collection.

Lazenby was a gamble.

Let’s hit the heart of the argument here. George Lazenby is the make or break for a lot of people. I find that it is the Connery fans that seem to dislike Lazenby the most, maybe feeling that Connery got robbed of one of the better 007 scripts in the franchise. In some ways I can sympathize, but at the same time, I think Connery was burnt out on Bond. You can see it in her performance in You Only Live Twice and you can really see it in his work on Diamond Are Forever. I’d rather have a new actor trying his best over an established actor barely going through the motions.

The outfit that inspired Austin Powers!

That said, Lazenby doesn’t quite seem to have the part down. He works fine in the action scenes and does a decent job with the ladies in Bloefeld’s hideout. But his acting during the relationship building scenes with Tracy doesn’t quite work. He also seems a bit overmatched by Savalas. Now to be entirely fair, Lazenby has a large portion of his dialogue over-dubbed when he is under cover. That adds up to about half an hour where we don’t have him actually speaking. On top of that, someone, somewhere decided that more quips and witticisms were needed in the film. So Lazenby ends up with a bunch of one-liners, obviously dubbed after the fact and often when he isn’t even on the screen. This may add to the feeling that Lazenby was a bit too cheesy in the role.

007 spends some quality time with his favorite
magazine.

I see an actor who had an immense pressure put on him. He really is trying his best, but his experience prior to this huge film was working in commercials. In a lot of ways, he had to really step up his game and do it really fast. Knowing all this, I think Lazenby did a fine job. Yes, it could have been better. But I also think that if he had tackled Diamonds are Forever that movie would have given us an improved actor along with a more involved actor. The result could have been a better film. As it stands On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is the only Bond film in Lazenby’s resume. For various reasons (depending on who you talk to, they shift) Lazenby was not invited back for the next film. But I feel that his onscreen performance was not the reason for it.

Diana Rigg doubts the veracity of your claim.

Besides, no matter what you think of Lazenby’s performance, it is hard to find fault with Diana Rigg as Tracy. If you read the novel, you may feel that Rigg was miscast. But I think she actually changes the dynamic in a way that works well. She seems a better match for Bond, as confident as him at times. And Rigg certainly shows that Tracy can handle herself well. The tremendous car chase scene actually has Tracy in the driver’s seat the whole time. She also does battle with one of Blofeld’s larger henchman. This confidence is certainly appealing, but it the fragility that Rigg brings to the character that attracts Bond. We get glimpses of it throughout the film. It’s a really great performance, certainly making Tracy my favorite Bond girl of the 1960s films.

He's given up the sucker for a cigarette and a
diabolical plan.

When it comes to Blofeld, most James Bond fans feel that Donald Pleasance was the perfect version in You Only Live Twice. And for a more comic book version of Bond, which that film certainly is, he works great. But On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is a much more serious film. Blofeld needed to be less cartoonish, and Savalas strikes the perfect balance. He is urbane, cold and ominous. Of all the actors playing Bloefeld he feels the most like he could be a physical match for Bond (which is closer to the novel version of the character). Savalas also has a ruthless charm about him that I like. He really carries the part off well, and it’s a shame we didn’t get to see him return for the next film.

007 undercover as an upperclass twit.

The supporting cast is also very good. We have the usual London crew with Bernard Lee as M and Louis Maxwell as Moneypenny getting some good time interacting with Bond. Moneypenny’s reaction to the wedding at the end is pretty funny. Desmond Llewlyn doesn’t get much screen time as Q in this movie. In general the gadgets are downplayed. Gabriele Ferzetti plays Draco as a smooth and confident operator. In an odd turn of events, it appears he’s been completely re-dubbed, so his performance is a bit tricky to judge. Ilse Steppat as Blofeld’s dangerous and determined partner in crime does a good job looking threatening and yet competent with her job. Finally there is the bevy of beauties that are the “Angels of Death”. All are quite lovely, but Angela Scoular steals the show as Ruby, the English gal who throws herself at Bond. But sharp-eyed viewers will also see Joanna Lumley in the group.

This film contains some of the best ski stunts
in the franchise.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is one of the few James Bond movies of the 1960s that actually attempts to develop James Bond as a character. This comes right out of Fleming’s novel, probably one of his best of the series. The script follows the novel very closely, allowing Bond (and us) to meet and fall in love with Tracy, and then get pulled into the Blofeld’s dark plan. The final result works great in the novel, but the movie ends up feeling a bit uneven at times. The first half is pretty much all set up, with the romance taking up a lot of the screen time. It is necessary, and it keeps the relationship from feeling arbitrary or forced. At the same time it contrasts wildly with the action packed final third of the film. This is something that comes right from the source material, so I can’t fault them too much. But I wonder if a better balance could have been found, to give this film a flow that works better. The 2006 version Casino Royale had a similar design, but executed it much better.

Tracy doubts the veracity of Blofeld's claim.

There is also a strange script element that I’m really surprised no one caught. In the novels, James Bond does not come face to face with Blofeld during Thunderball. His first meeting is during On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. The men meet for the final time in You Only Live Twice. Since the films switched order a bit, Bond and Blofeld meet in You Only Live Twice for the first time. But in the film version of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service a key plot point revolves on the fact that Blofeld doesn’t know what Bond looks like. This makes sense in the original order of the novels, but not in the movie version. This has lead to jokes that Blofeld didn’t recognize Bond because Lazenby was playing the part.

Bobsledding insanity!

The script gave Peter Hunt a great base to make one of the best James Bond films. Aside from the pacing issue, there is very little to dislike about how he executed the film. Some of the moments meant to reassure fans that this was still the James Bond they knew and loved don’t play too well today. They are painfully obvious, and are pretty much filler. You have the scene where Bond goes through his desk and remembers moments from all his previous adventures (prompted by props and helpful music cues from the other films). You have a janitor whistling the theme from Goldfinger. You even have characters saying things like “Same old 007.” It is distracting and a bit silly.

Tracy drives like a mad woman!

There was also the decision to have Lazenby attempt to look, and act as much like Connery as possible. This was something that none of the following actors had to deal with. Each one got to put his stamp on 007. But Lazenby was basically filling Connery’s shoes and they wanted him to do just that. This was a decision made at the production level, and I can’t blame Lazenby for it. But instead of reassuring people, it invited a direct comparison. This was a stupendous backfire for the production. If Hunt had been a bit more seasoned, he may have had the clout to push back on this idea.

Bond faces his perfect match.

But as a first time director, Hunt brought energy, creativity and excitement back to the series. The best elements of the final third of the film are the action and thrilling suspense scenes. Hunt uses all the tricks in the book to keep ratcheting things up. James Bond really feels like he is in peril in this film, with Blofeld’s relentless pursuit pushing Bond to more and more desperate acts. The escape from Piz Gloria is really one of the best thriller sequences of the entire film series.

Bond did return, but poor Lazenby didn't.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service ends up being a James Bond film that is unique in many ways from the rest of the franchise. It breaks many of the conventions of the series that had been established. Other times it stays firmly locked to them. It has a dynamic look and feel that no other Bond film ever managed until Skyfall. It is a story that focuses on James Bond, and gives the character some real gravitas. The final scene of the film gives Bond a defining character moment. One that Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan all got to use in at least one film. Within that block of the first 20 Bond films it is a milestone not just for the story, but also for the entire production. For all those reasons On Her Majesty’s Secret Service deserves to be revisted and reevaluated. The great thing is, I see the movie constantly near the top of “Best of Bond” lists frequently. It is nice to see that it is being judged on it’s own merits, instead of what fans back in 1969 wanted it to be.

Sidehackers (1969) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Rommel (Ross Hagen) is one of the best sidehackers in the sport. And what is sidehacking? Well it’s hanging onto a sidecar frame on a motorcycle, while the motorcycle is racing on a dirt track. Rommel fixes bikes when he isn’t hanging off them and that is how he meets J.C. (Michael Pataki) a biker who performs at rodeos and carnivals. The two hit it off, especially when Paisley (Clair Polan) takes a liking to Rommel, even though she is J.C.’s girl.

But nothing doing, Rommel is in love with Rita (Diane McBain) and they spend hours wandering in fields and snuggling under trees. All this love ends up making Paisly mad, so she tells J.C. that Rommel attacked and abused her. J.C., not the most stable guy in the first place, goes off the deep end and savagely attacks and kills Rita. Rommel is shattered, but vows revenge – and that means gathering a group of anti-heroes and taking the fight to J.C. By this point in the film you’ll be wondering where all the Sidehackers went to.

Movie Review:

It's impossible to scrape of sidehacker with kung-fu
grip!

This movie is also known as Five the Hard Way, which I think has something to do with the finale of the film where Rommel and his four pals attack J.C.’s hideout. It goes along with a character named Crapout played with hillbilly verve by Hoke Howell. Using this title may keep all the fans of sidehacking from rushing the theaters in hope of seeing a film that finally treats the sport with respect. Unfortunately Sidehackers is not that film. It’s not a sports drama about an underdog sidehacker rising above the odds to win the day. No, instead the sidehacking is just some color to what is essentially a revenge story.

Well, kinda, the movie is pretty unfocused. It starts off appearing to be a film about sidehackers, and then detours into a melodrama about two lovers named Rita and Rommel. But J.C. appears and seems to have wandered in from another movie, possibly a friend of Banjo’s from Wild Rebels. Once J.C. really takes over, the movie ends up going down the exploitation counter-culture cinema that brought about films like The Girl with Gold Boots and The Hellcats.

There is probably a decent movie in here somewhere, but the mixing of all these storylines lessens the whole film and makes it flail around like motorcycle that lost it’s sidehacker.

Sessions presents, Rommel Live at the Acropolis!

Visually the film has a grainy low budget look, which actually helps some scenes work a little better. The footage of the sidehacking race is actually pretty good and edited in an exciting way. I can see why they may have hoped that changing the name to Sidehackers would bring some focus to these scenes. But other times the editing and cinematography just don’t cut the mustard. I can’t say much about the editing, because of a certain issue I’ll mention later in the review. But I can say that frequent flashbacks to material we had just seen a few minutes ago are pretty annoying. You also get the super-imposed images when Rommel is thinking about the good times he had with Rita. It reminds me of AM Gold compilation commercials you’d see on TV back in the 80s.

The sound in the movie is atrocious. Obviously they only had one boom mic and half the time it wasn’t close enough to the action. As a result a lot of the dialogue goes by without you hearing a thing. The music is typical for this type of film, but the theme song used during the love scenes is pretty silly.

What makes the film entertaining is the acting. Well, part of the acting anyway. Ross Hagan plays your typical tough guy with the heart of gold, and he isn’t bad in the part. The goofy hat he wears takes away a bit of his tough guy edge, but maybe it some was something all the sidehackers were wearing back in the day. McBain is pretty good as Rita. She certainly doesn’t deserve her violent end. Unfortunately both of our leads seem to be smokers, because they have some craggy voices and the bad sound has trouble with some of their more intimate dialogue.

J.C. and Cooch attempt to out yell each other, while
Paisley acts as the ref.

It is the villains that bring all the fun to Sidehackers. First there is Pataki as J.C. the completely insane, but poetic biker who decides that Rommel is his mortal enemy. From Pataki’s frothing at the mouth performance we can only deduce that J.C. is on some kind of drug (probably several). Pataki chews the scenery and gets more and more over the top as the film progresses. By the end he is practically drooling and ripping his hair out. He has some of the best line delivers in the film, especially when he is interacting with his right hand man Cooch (Michael Graham) or Paisley.

Cooch is no slacker when it comes to acting. When J.C. sends him to act as a double agent in Rommel’s gang, the whole exchange is filled with mugging, escalating volume and eye popping on both sides. But even better is the scenes where Cooch fears that Rommel’s buddies are on to him. I’m not sure what the actor was going for but it is sad to say he missed.

Finally there is our femme fatale, Paisley. She is actually the most grounded of the three, but she has her moments of over acting. Mostly she gets to looks sexy and slink around, then insult J.C. so he slaps her around again.

Crapout shows us his big stick.

I also have to mention Crapout, one of the most aptly named characters in Sidehackers. I’m guessing Howell was supposed to play an annoying country bumpkin who is also a biker, but man, does he just ramp up that stereotype meter to 11. Luckily he only appears in the final third of the film, but between his horrible jokes and mugging you begin to yearn for Paul Gilbert of Women of the Prehistoric Planet fame. Ok, maybe that’s going to far, but you get the idea.

Unfortunately, nothing really works in this movie. The sidehacking scenes are kinda interesting, only because I’ve never heard of the sport or seen it performed before. But the love story is tedious, and only around so the impact of Rita’s death can drive Rommel’s revenge. So it turns out that the revenge story is the focus of the whole film. But the execution doesn’t really make it worth your time to watch. I’m wondering if there is a whole subtext with characters named Rommel, Nero and Crapout as our heroes and a man with the same initials as Jesus Christ as the deranged rapist and killer. But that might be giving the film too much credit. Instead, Sidehakers serves as fodder for Joel and the Bots as the first of the 60s biker flick triad they tackled in Season Two.

Episode Review:

A sidehacker gets snuggly with his driver.

So here is an episode that includes a few firsts, and a few lessons for the folks behind Mystery Science Theater 3000. According to the writers, this was the film where they learned to screen the entire movie before giving Comedy Central the OK to pick up the rights for the show. Before this episode, they would watch a bit of the film to get an idea about it and then go forward. Well the crew only watched the first half or so of Sidehackers and saw the long love story scenes and the sidehacking and thought there was enough for them to work with, as well as providing a new genre for the writers to tackle.

When they sat down in the writing room to work on the first pass they were horrified by the increasing levels of violence and the disturbing rape and murder of Rita. It was obvious they would have to heavily edit the film to make an episode that was family friendly (something they prided themselves on). It would be less work to just pick a different movie and not use this one at all. Unfortunately, Comedy Central had spent the money and expected the crew to use it. Keep in mind, the show was popular enough to get a second season, but they didn’t have the clout yet to push back too much, so the writing team sat down and got to work.

Crapout, Nero and Rommel confront Cooch. I can't
believe I just wrote that sentence.

The result is a film that was heavily edited for content, something Best Brains was always loathe to do. They would edit for time, but in most cases they were able to keep all the key scenes in the film, and only snip a few moments here and there. For Sidehackers, whole plot points would have to be removed, and they would just have to work with it. While this didn’t render Sidehackers unintelligible, it did end up hurting the bad film even more, and created some really odd edits and moments in the final product. I have to say the fact that the writers were able to get some quality riffing out of this mess is impressive.

Cambot makes his first and only visual riff.

The movie opens with credits over footage of sidehackers racing around a dirt track. Tom notes that “They can’t be very good, they need training wheels.” When the film declares that it was filmed in Fantavision, Joel responds that he prefers “Orange Julius-vision.” When the motorcycles take a tight turn, the sidehackers have to lean close to the driver. During one of these moments, Crow blurts out “Hold me!” in a panicky voice.  The sidehacking scenes in general provide a ton of joke opportunities for the boys, making fun of color commentary, the sidehacker rigs and just about everything in sight. You also get the only time Cambot (the robot who is filming the whole experiment for the mad scientists) providing a visual riff.

This gulch is alive with the sound of Moog-sic.

Since you’ve got a character named Rommel in the film, the boys turn it into a running joke focusing on George C. Scott’s performance in Patton yelling, “Rommel you magnificent bastard! I read your book!” I found these pretty darn funny, and all three of the boys do a pretty good imitation of Scott’s take on Patton. They managed to work some of these in at the most unexpected moments. Another running joke takes place during the final third of the movie. Our heroes are sneaking around in a night raid of J.C.s camp, but it is all filmed as day for night – only with one of the worst filters I’ve ever seen. In fact there might not even be a filter, just a vain hope that other shots happening at the same time and obviously shot at night will convince the audience that the whole thing is taking place in the dark. The boys start arguing over if this is all happening at the same time, or if it really is night, or If there is a supernova illuminating everything. Your mileage may vary with those comments.

Sidehackers riffing moves in fits and starts for me. Sometimes you get some great lines. When J.C. slaps Paisley around after she implies he is lousy lover, he snarls the line, “But baby, what a great team we are!” to which Joel replies, “Like Punch and Judy.” Or during a long scene in a bar where the characters are negotiating hiring prices over a game of pool. Crow groans and says, “Since this film isn’t going anywhere, why don’t we all play pool!” But the long scenes of Rommel wandering around with Rita showing how in love they are, or the scenes with Rommel wandering around remembering Rita feel endless. There’s only so much riffing the boys can come up with and it ends up hurting the final product.

Joel and the bots model Rommel style head gear.

Because the movie was edited to hell, this episode actually has some pretty long host segments. They end up being a bit hit and miss for me as well. It starts off with Joel washing up the bots and getting them ready for the movie. He wants them to calm down and not utter another peep. Of course they start peeping and he loses it. For the invention exchange, Joel shows off his sentient slinky, Gretchen. She eats lint and does a funny impression of the 1960s. The mad scientists use Slinky technology to allow Dr. Forrester to be in two places at once. Looks painful. When we come back from the first movie segment, Joel and bots sing a song about sidehacking, which may or may not imply that you have to be stupid to take this sport on. At the next break, the boys try their hand at creating some sidehacking terminology to help color commentary. This gets crazier and more ridiculous but does go on a bit too long. I will give them props for working Electra-woman and Dyna-girl into the mix. When we come back to the boys they are dressed in Rommel’s stupid hat and trying to think of ways to imitate him. But whenever they mention Rita, the Moog music sting occurs and they break down in tears. It’s pretty silly, but then the skit keeps going when J.C. and Cooch show up (Mike and Frank dressed accordingly) and they berate Joel and the bots for not wanting to emulate J.C. When the movie ends the boys sing another song about how love pads the film. It is based on a riff they make during the long love sequence. The song is pretty funny, one of the best from Season Two.

Sidehackers does have its fans, and I have to say, I given this episode several viewings hoping to see the magic that others have caught. But honestly the whole thing never really works for me. The poor sound make catching the dialogue a real pain, the movie is a slog, and the riffing moves in patches. This is an early Season Two episode, and I think the boys got better as the season progressed. They would return to this genre with Wild Rebels and that riffing session was a lot better on all counts. But the best episode for these types of films would be The Girl with Gold Boots. I would recommend either of those films first, before tackling Sidehackers.

I give it two sidehackers out of five.

J.C. is disappointed with my rating.

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection, Vol. 3