Taking pieces of it story
from classic Greek myths and classic Greek tragedy, we get Hercules Unchained. It all starts with Hercules (Steve Reeves)
returning from his adventures with the Argonauts. He travels with his wife Iole
(Sylva Koscina) and a young Ulysses (Gabriel Antonini) to his home city of
Thebes. Before he can get there, he gets in a battle with Primo Carnera as the
demi-god Antaeus. Herc is able to defeat this clown and continues on his way. He
discovers his old pal Oedipus (Cesare Fantoni), was deposed by his own greedy
sons. Hercules vows to end the destructive conflict between the squabbling
brothers and return Thebes to a peaceful rule.
Herc leaves Iole in the not
so trustworthy hands of one of the brothers Eteocles (Sergio Fantoni) and takes
a secret message to the other brother Polynices (Mimmo Palmara). Before he can
complete the mission, Herc drinks from the waters of forgetfulness (as the
voiceover helpfully tells us, but doesn’t bother to mention it to Herc). Our hero
falls asleep and is captured by the lovely queen Omphale (Sylvia Lopez) and
taken to the land of Lydia. Ulysses uses his quick thinking to pretend to be a
deaf mute servant and is taken along as well.
Can Ulysses bring back Hercules
memories, before the demi-god becomes completely ensnared in a life of sweet
lovin’ with the evil queen? Will Iole be thrown into a pit of tigers? Will
Hercules save Thebes? Will the bad-dubbing blow your mind? The answers to these
questions and more are revealed in Hercules
Unchained.
Movie Review:
Antaeus finds everything hilarious, even his eventual beat down by the Herc. |
For many folks, Hercules
means Steve Reeves. The irony is, he only played the role twice. But the film
was so popular (and aired on television so often) that people always associate
the role with him. This changed in the 1990s when Kevin Sorbo became associated
with the character. I will always hold a spot in my heart for the ultra-cheesy Hercules with Lou Ferrigno.
By I digress (as usual). How
does Hercules Unchained measure up?
Well it’s a bit of a mess actually. The main problem is the fact that two
stories compete for screen time with a subplot or two and you end up with a
muddled blob of confusion. The film could have functioned just fine if it
focused on Hercules’ role in saving Thebes from the feuding brothers. You also
could have had a fun movie with Hercules and Ulysses attempting to escape the
isle of the evil queen. But to fuse the two together ends up making everything
a jumbled mess. There is no clear narrative here.
Ulysses is sitting right there when Antaeus announces himself. |
An early example is when
Hercules runs into the demi-god Anteaus, who demands Iole as his prize. When
the thug first appears he says something like “I’m Anteaus and this is my
valley. You must pay a toll to pass”. When Herc finally battles the clown, he
defeats him pretty easily. He throws the giant to the ground and then turns to
leave. But Anteaus just gets back up again. Herc fights him, defeats him, and
then Anteaus gets up again. About the third time this happens Ulysses says,
“Oh, this must be Anteaus, the legendary man who gets his strength from the
earth. Don’t let him touch the ground Hercules!”
Ok, Anteaus announced
himself at least once (I’m pretty sure he says his name about three times). Ulysses
was standing right there the whole time. The line should have been something like;
“I just remembered that Anteaus gets his strength from touching the ground.”
Instead, Ulysses comes across like a moron who isn’t paying attention when
danger threatens. Of course Iole had just sang a song. So maybe the sound of
her voice deafened him and he missed Anteus grand entrance.
This is only a small example
of the script issues in Hercules
Unchained. It’s much worse with the convoluted brother plot and the evil
queen nonsense. If we can look past the bad script, how are the characters
treated. Well Hercules comes across as mostly brawn and not much brain. He
seems really lazy in this movie, preferring to loaf around and sleep rather
than have adventures. Only near the end, when he tries to save Thebes with his
special ops team, does he seem like the legendary Hercules we know and love.
Ulysses, teenager of many wiles, helps return Hercules memories. |
The ladies in the film are
fairly predictable. Iole is the loving dutiful wife, who pines for her husband
while he is away on his mission. Queen Omphale is a complete vamp, who tarts
around the palace with her nymphy serving wenches. She uses men until she’s
bored, then turns them into statues with the help of some Egyptian priests. She
wicked, selfish and sexy – a theme you’ll see in plenty of Italian Muscleman
movies that followed this one.
It’s hard to judge the
performances here, because the dubbing is so poor. Everything seems a bit over
the top and theatrical. The evil brother Etocles is really chewing the scenery
here. Omphale is vamping into overdrive. Even Ulysses is playing it pretty
broadly. But in a way the whole film is huge, over the top and going for an
epic feel on a smaller budget.
A cast of hundreds prepares for the siege of Thebes. |
Finally there is the old
fashioned score by Enzio Masetti. It’s really channeling the classic Hollywood
scores of the time, the likes that Miklos Rosza wrote for Ben Hur or Quo Vadis.
It’s big, bold and brassy and fits Hercules
Unchained like a glove.
The movie’s pacing is what
keeps it from being as entertaining as it can be. The movie starts really, really slowly. Herc doesn't meet his first challenge, Antaeus until nearly 15 minutes in. That's an eternity in movie time. The whole sequence with the
evil queen also meanders around. It is mostly scenes of Herc lounging
around making kissy faces with Omphale. Ulysses schemes are fun to watch, but
the whole thing just slogs along. Once the escape attempt starts, things pick
up, and the finale battle in front of Thebes is a hoot. I had never seen Reeves
in the role before, but he makes a very good Herc, and seems to be having some
fun in the part. But the whole film is just messy enough to make it a good fit
for Joel and Bots to riff on.
Episode Review:
"Come to your sugar momma, Herc." |
I was always a bit puzzled
as to why Hercules Unchained was the
first one they tackled, instead of Steve Reeves first pass at the role in Hercules. It is obvious from the
opening of the film that we are coming in at the end of some kind of grand
adventure. There are some brief intros, but nothing else to really develop the
characters. We’re just expected to know how these people are and how they all
know each other.
Maybe the crew at Best
Brains figured this would just add to the confusion that Joel and Bots feel as
they watch. Most of the comments deal with how none of the boys can figure out
who the characters are and what the hell is going on. This causes the riffing
to get a bit stale in places, as all they are really saying is some variant of
“Wow, is this movie confusing.”
This is Herc's beautiful wife. This is Herc's beautiful city. How did he get here? |
Later in the film when Herc
tries to save Iole and gets trapped in a pit full of tigers the boys threaten
to call Betty White because of all the injured horses and tigers they keep
seeing. As one tiger jumps on Hercules’ back Joel says, “Hobbes get off me!”
He eventually joins the battle raging in front of the gates of Thebes a bunch of
warriors are wearing white caps that flop forward. Tom declares it a battle of
“Smurfs vs. Skins”. When Hercules is riding around in a chariot and using grappling hooks and rope to pull down siege towers, Crow comments, "Hey it's just like The Empire Strikes Back!" Tom adds, "But it's not very good."
Joel and the bots attempt to live it up, ancient Greek style. But Gypsy's "song" causes much pain. |
In many ways the highlights
balance out some dead spots, and the constant riffs on how confused they are.
The pacing here is a little off, almost as if the writing crew wasn’t sure how
to best tackle the film. I chalk this up to the fact that Hercules Unchained was the first sword and sandal flick. The next one they tried Hercules
Against the Moonmen is a classic episode. Here, the riffing ends up being
just average.
This episode is available on
The Mystery Science Theater 3000
Collection: Volume 7.
I first saw this at a drive-in from the back seat of a 1957 Pontiac. While I remember some scenes from that occasion (including the fight with Antaeus), I'd be lying if I said I remembered the general plot from then. (If the screen had been built lower any to the ground I'd have seen little more than the back of the front seat.) However, as you say, it was on TV a lot in the decades following, and I have seen it since. It was goofy and much-copied -- but there is something to be said for being the model others copy. (In the 60s, a slew of these movies -- though originally filmed separately as movies, not for TV -- were slightly edited and then shown as a weekly TV show "Sons of Hercules"; they all are remarkably similar.)
ReplyDeleteLou Ferrigno had the best Herc story I heard from an actor who played the part. One scene called for him to break the ropes binding him. Normally, for such shots, the ropes are pre-cut so they break easily. He struggled and struggled, and finally asked that they be cut a bit more. It turned out they hadn't been cut at all: the prop men assumed he really could just snap them.
Yeah of all the 60s Herc flicks, the two with Reeves seem to have the best production values and are closest to the mythology. A few of the other flicks are just as fun, but more for their low budget hilarity and extremely silly plots. MST3K helps with those a lot, but they can be fun on bad movie night on your own.
DeleteLove that story from Ferrigno. I'd never heard that before.
Regarding the whole Anteaus issue, here's an alternate way to look at it. Initially, Herc and Co. assume it's just some random dickweed claiming to be Anteaus. This way, Ulysses' reaction could be read as a, "Holy shamoly, he really is Anteaus!" rather than just him being inattentive.
ReplyDeleteIf that would be the case that would make a whole lot more sense. Sadly the acting doesn't really support that case. Its not like everyone rolls their eyes when this "Anteaus" walks out and say something like "Oh man, not another one".
DeleteBut I like the effort you took to get there. :)