Sometimes you head to an old friends house to catch up with him. His girlfriend is over and you guys all reminisce about old times. But then he tries to cast a curse on you and it turns out his girlfriend has practiced the black arts too. Pretty soon you are trapped on the coffee table as they sneer and loom over your alarmingly.
What do you mean this isn't a shared experience?
Well this kind of thing happens to poor old Nicias. I guess when you're a wizard it is just the kind of peril you might run into. Of course would you actually trust a guy named Troxartas in the first place? Anyway, this little moment from Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell or Deathstalker III is one of my favorites, and I figured I'd share it with you for caption fun.
In an amazing fantasy world
the hero Deathstalker (John Allen Nelson) is enjoying a pleasant day at the
local fair. But he is also keeping an eye on his wizard friend Nicias (Aaron
Hernan) who is telling fortunes for the peasents. Before you can say Conan, a
bunch of evil men in black armor ride up and attempt kidnap Nicias.
Deathstalker fights them off, and Nicias uses a spell to disappear, but not
before giving a lovely girl a magic crystal.
Naturally this girl turns
out to be a princess, and she is on the quest for the other half of the
crystal. If the two are combined they will lead to a city of fabled treasure.
Of course there is an evil warlord named Troxartas (Thom Christopher) who is
also after the same crystal. The princess is killed and Troxartas assumes that
Deathstalker has the other half of the crystal. So he uses his nightmare powers
to summon undead warriors to track down our hero. Along the way Deathstalker
faces other perils including the feisty twin to the dead princess, a couple of
potato loving hermits and a noble woman who loves torturing captive men. Will
Deathstalker have a chance in hell (see what I did there) in surviving his most
dangerous adventure yet?
Movie Review:
Deathstalker unleashes the smarm.
As much as I pick on Roger
Corman’s directing, he really was a wizard when it came to producing films. He could figure out what audiences wanted, and how to give it to them cheap and fast.
In the early 80s, audiences wanted sword and sorcery fantasy flicks. So Corman
cobbled together a crew, sent them to Mexico and started cranking out the Deathstalker flicks. Corman also
managed a few other trashy classics like Barbarian Queen and the more family friendly fantasy flick Wizards of the Lost Kingdom. But the Deathstalker concept spawned an actual series of four films.
The first film was pretty
much a Conan the Barbarian imitator,
but with a bit more skin on display. The second film injected some humor and upped the
skin quotient a bit. But here we have the third film which has neither the violence or the skin of the first two. The budget seems extremely low, the script cobbled
together at the last minute and the cast, well, we’ll get to them in a minute.
The final result is like a D&D fever dream. It is wonderful in it’s wretchedness.
"Squeak I say! Squeak!"
What is funny is that Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell
(which I’ll just call Deathstalker III
from this point on) is that compared to some of the other bargain basement 80s
fantasy out there – well it’s really bad. That’s right folks, we may have found
something that makes even the Ator movies like Cave Dwellers look like they had the budget of Lord of the Rings. But I don't let that get in the way of a fun movie. You can still have a fun flick with a low budget. And as we well know even films with huge coffers for sets, costumes and special effects can end up really horrible.
It takes a skilled director
to really make a no budget fantasy film work. Unfortunately, we don’t get that
kind of skill here. Nearly all the production elements, from costumes to sets
are really unimpressive. Toxartas’ castle doesn’t look too bad from some
angles. The interiors are the best part, some of them actually looking like
they may not be on a soundstage. Really, the location shooting helps the film a
bit.
Wait till Radagast hears about this.
While we have a couple
wizards in the film, don’t look for any flashy special effects. Instead look
for some laugh inducing arm flailing and smoke puffs. The movie’s most
impressive sequence, when Troxartas raises his dead warriors ends up being a
cheat. All those ghostly (and silly looking) specters that show up are taken
from the film Wizards of the Lost
Kingdom. Yes, Deathstalker III
borrows from only the best.
Am I being too harsh? Not
really because the borrowing doesn’t stop there. When you start the film, you
hear a full orchestral score kick in. It’s a heroic theme with a big bold
sound. It is also borrowed from another film from the Corman factory: Battle Beyond the Stars. Yep, James
Horner’s score kicks things off for us. Don’t get too excited, because that is
the only hint of anything that impressive you’ll hear from that point on.
The rest of the score is
simplistic meandering on an old Casio keyboard. It repeats
endlessly and seems to only be about a minute long. There are maybe three or
four tracks to pick form and they all are done in the same style. Think along the lines of Puma Man but without the catchy appeal.
Just when you think you can’t take it any more, something new but still borrowed shows up.
This time from Brain Eno and his Prophesy
piece from Dune. It is surreal
to hear that music for a silly scene of Detathstalker stealing horses.
The chilling sound of cardboard against cardboard.
Bad film lovers should seek out Deathstalker III for one reason: the acting his horrible. Deathstalker
is one of the smarmiest, slimiest and most annoying heroes I’ve seen in one of
these 80s sword and sorcery flicks. John Allen Nelson sneers, smirks and
swaggers his way through the movie, convinced every woman wants him and every
man fears him. But he is about as intimidating as a plush puppy. Granted the character is supposed to be more of a rogue than a fighter, but Allen just doesn't seem like the guy who would have the reputation for being such a bad ass. I like that Allen is trying, but the final result is a main
character so unlikable that you actually miss the cardboard acting of Miles
O’Keefe from Cave Dwellers.
Then you have Carla Herd in an
amazing double role as the twin sisters Carissa and Elizena. One sister is the
confident, brave and noble one. The other is the bratty, spoiled and selfish
one. Herd isn’t bad doing the bratty sister. But she isn’t so hot as the noble
sister. Her early scenes with Deathstalker contain some pretty confusing
reaction shots and odd line delivery. It is possible the editing is to blame
(more on that later). Sadly she is just not much of a leading lady.
Like my gem? It is a doorknob from my grandmother's
house.
But the real reason to seek
this episode out is the amazingly over the top, ham-tastic performance by Thom
Christopher as Troxartas. Sci-fi fans of a certain age will immediately
recognize Christopher from his role in Buck
Rodgers in the 25th Century as the mighty Hawk. For the role of
Toxartas, Christopher drops the cool intensity, and replaces it with eye
popping, ranting, and line deliveries that could easily be described as Shatner-esque.
In fact you almost feel like you are watching Thom Christopher imitating
William Shatner hopped up on cocaine and pretending he was a wizard. It is one
of the funniest performances I’ve seen in any Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. You get the feeling that Christopher figured he was
doing this god awful movie (and Wizards
of the Lost Kingdom a couple years before that) and he might as well just
GO OVER THE FLIPPING TOP!!!!
The supporting cast falls
right in line. Some of them are over the top and ridiculous. Aaron
Hernan as Nicias is a perfect example of this. He takes the blowhard wizard stereotype to a whole new level.
Then you have the people that really couldn’t be bothered to be in the movie,
because you know, whatever.
Yep, the man on the left is Vadinho from Puma Man.
The real problem is the
basic construction of Deathstalker III.
The script seems like it was made up as they went along. The basic idea of
finding two halve of a jewel to find a lost city is a fun fantasy trope. Hell, the same basic
plot fuels the entertaining Golden Voyage of Sinbad. But instead of creating a simple plot that moves forward
from peril to peril, the movie just kind wanders around aimlessly. Things
happen because um… they just do. Why kill off one princess if you are only
going to have her twin show up later? It has NOTHING to do with the rest of the
story. It just lets the actress wear different cloths and act more bratty. Why
make a big deal about Nicias, only to have him vanish about 10 minutes in and
then reappear about 10 minutes before the movie ends.
But the worst offenders are
eponymous Warriors from Hell. We get not just one scene dealing with their
resurrection – but two scenes. Yes both are hilarious because we get to see
Christopher chew all the lead paint on the scenery. But the build up leads you
to believe that these bad boys are going to be a major problem for
Deathstalker. When you see them in their glory, well they look like a bunch of
dusty guys in fake armor with white stuff in their hair and beards (I’m not
sure what that stuff is supposed to be). So they are visually
disappointing. But you think, well maybe they’ll be part of a huge battle scene
with Deathstalker or something. Nope. They don’t do a damn thing, but end up as
targets for stupid dead people jokes.
"Is it wrong for me to want to see him get tortured?"
This turd of a script (I’m
sorry, there is no point in softening the blow here) is directed with almost no
life or interest. Fight scenes have little energy to them. This works in
favor of the unintentional comedy because some of the stage fighting is the
really bottom of the barrel stuff. The Deathstalker versus Troxartas fights are
hilariously horrible. Christopher just isn’t good at this kind of thing and
Nelson has to keep prompting him to do stuff, even going so far as grabbing the
evil warlord's sword and pulling it closer to he can execute the choreographed
move. I’m guessing that director Alfanso Corona took a look at his footage and
realized that it would be nearly impossible to salvage this one. So he started
editing and editing and editing. Deathstalker
III starts to rival the amazingly horrible editing of Devilfish, jumping wildly from scene to scene. Cutting on the
action but not in an exciting way, but in a way that only creates massive
confusion. Even Coleman Francis at his most random (see Beast of Yucca Flats) seemed to be trying to create a mood. Deathstalker III is just flailing
around.
So here is the hearty
recommendation from a guy who loves these bad 80s fantasy flicks, it really
doesn’t get much worse than Deathstalker
and the Warriors from Hell. It ends up beating Cave Dwellers and Outlaw
in sheer stupidity on nearly all fronts of filmmaking. And for all that, it is
a blast to watch. And when you add Mike and Bots firing on all cylinders for
Season Seven – well you’ve got a one hell of an episode.
Episode Review:
Troxartas has sprit, yes he does!
This movie gets the riffing
it so richly deserves. The fodder ends up being so prevalent that the boys seem
to be drowning in it. There are moments when the jokes and wisecracks come
flying so fast it is nearly impossible to keep up with all of them. Deathstalker III found the Mike, Kevin
and Trace at the peak of teamwork, and I’m so happy they got to tackle this
film (and my other favorite from this season The Incredible Melting Man) at this time. The movie seems to be
giftwrapping items for them, from the ridiculous faire at the beginning at the
film, to the stupid costumes and Christopher’s amazing performance. Everything
is fair game.
Highlights include lots and
lots of bat jokes as the evil henchman rides around with a couple of silly
batwings sticking out of helmet. Mike and bots have them squeeking out their
lines on several occasions as well as having the terrorized villagers shriek
“Rabies!” or “They get in your hair!”
Deathstalker is not immune
to riffing. After about five minutes of his smarmy performance Tom asks, “Is it
too early to hate this guy?” Later after Nelson lets a little twang escape from
his smirking face Crow asks Mike, “Were there crackers in the middle ages?”
Mike replies with “Apparently.” Near the end after Deathstalker escapes
tortured but gets captured… again, Crow declares, “I’m glad he gets hit a lot.”
Deathstalker encounters the potato people.
Toxartas provides the bulk of the laughs. Most of the cast pronounces his name like Trucks Artist. This ends up turning into a running joke, where all the characters start asking if he also does van art. After one of his rants
when he hits full blown William Shatner stylings, Tom says in a very funny
imitation of Christopher’s intonation “I wrote the… beats in… my script and I…
‘m sticking to… them!” Later as he looms over our hero while dressed in
billowing lavender robes and very femine turban Crow advices “It’s hard to look menacing
when you’re dressed like Maude.”
Deathstalker III contains two of the oddest characters in any fantasy movie I’ve seen: a
mother and daughter living like hermits in the mountains. They raise horses… I
think, and they eat nothing but potatoes. Deathstalker runs into these two and
the daughter falls head over heels in love with him (Krom knows why). After the
mother declares in an emphatic voice “Potatoes are what we EAT!” A whole set of
hilarious potatoe bases jokes are unleashed. They pop up when you least expect
it. The boys also modify the line, saying it with the same determination, such
as “Horses are what we RIDE!” or “Swords are what we SWING!”
The fantasy nature of film
actually provides a bunch of Lord of the
Rings based humor. It was surprising to hear these when this episode aired back in 1995, years before Peter Jackson's films were released. One of
my favorites is when the old wizard Nicias is being tortured by Troxartas.
Nicias bemoans, “This is not the life for an old man like me.” To which Tom
adds, “I should be playing canasta with Saruman.”
The complete ineptitude on
display in Deathstalker III makes
for some hilarious general riffs. Like when Mike says, “The director’s vision: vagueness
mixed with confusion.” Or his observation near the end of the film when he says
“This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we’ve ever done”. I have to
agree with him.
Huzzah! Mike is at the Ren Faire!
The episode begins with Crow
showing Mike and Tom his new active lifestyle, thanks to his new hair. It’s a
fun parody of the old Hairclub for Men commercials that were constantly
appearing on Comedy Central back in the day. Before the movie begins we learn
that Dr. Forrester’s mother Pearl is very sick. She proceeds to whine and moan
and whine. Dr. Forrester is obviously losing hiis mind… even more than usual.
To make things worse, when the mad scientist tries to tell Mike and bots about
the movie, they pretend they are at a drive thru and trying to take his order. “Do
you want to supersize that?” At the first break Tom, Crow and
Gypsy create their own Renaissance Festival and charge Mike for all kinds of
stupid and insulting “attractions”. At the next break, Mike had so much fun
being insulted and paying for it that he comes back for more Renaissance Festival
fun. The bots don’t have much else to work with, but this manage to take the
rest of his money. These skits it very obvious that whole cast and crew hated Renaissance Festivals with a fiery passion. At the next
break the sickly Pearl begs for Art (her nickname for Crow) to read to her.
Turns out the book is a very naughty romance novel filled with descriptors like
milky white and throbbing. When the film ends, Tom is inspired to forge his own
ring of power. It goes wrong. Dr. Forrester is inspired by the classic
Hitchcock film Suspicion and brings
poisoned milk to Pearl. It glows with an unnatural light.
This is easily one of my
favorite episodes from the Comedy Central era. Deathstalker III is a wonderfully bad movie on it’s own, but Mike
and the bots make it even funnier. The riffing is some of the best in the
series. The host segments are pretty funny, but I’ll admit that Pearl gets
really annoying with all her whining (which is the whole point). That may drag
down the score a bit.
In the end I have to give it
5 Warriors from Hell out of 5.
Least impressive warriors from hell... ever.
Take a guess what Troxartas is doing to Nicias
in this picture.
This episode is available the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Volume XXXV.
This episode starts with a
short film entitled The Chicken of
Tomorrow. No this has nothing to do with the television series Robot Chicken, instead it is a
documentary about the poultry business. Watch and learn about what it takes to
breed a better chicken, to get the most eggs from your hen and all the modern
advances that make chicken farming such a popular and profitable career option.
The Brute Man is a black and white thriller that follows The Creeper (Rondo Hatton)
as he creeps, and stalks and kills! His real name is Hal Moffet and before he
was a cold blooded killer he was the captain of the college football team and
in love with the popular blonde in the school. But a moment of jealousy and
anger end up with Moffet being doused with a chemical that mutates his face and
body. Now he’s angry about his disfigurement and hunts down those that were
responsible.
The whole city is in a panic
because of The Creeper, and the police almost catch him. During a chase, he
dodges into the apartment of a lovely blind woman named Helen (Jane Adams).
Because she can’t see his face, she doesn’t fear Moffet. Suddenly The Creeper
wonders if he can maybe do some good in his own way, and help Helen. But
revenge is calling and eventually The
Brute Man may end up destroying Helen as well as himself.
Movie Review:
Mike and bots witness hot incubator action!
What can you say about The Chicken of Tomorrow that isn’t
covered by its ostentatious title? Made in 1948 the film promises a thrill a
minute as it delves into the world of poultry raising. It proceeds just about
how you’d expect for a documentary of that era. It covers the life of the
chicken of tomorrow from the egg to the auction house. It discuses some of the
innovations of machinery and techniques that make the “old hen house” seem like
a distant relic. Highlights include “special photography” used to show the
developing chick in an egg, and a scene where a chicken talks like Mae West.
Probably the biggest oddity
in the film is that it keeps coming back to the “automotive industry and the
quality petroleum products” that help fuel the poultry business. You begin to
wonder just who sponsored this film, especially when the Texico fill-up station
is featured so prominently.
The Creeper gets in touch with his softer side.
The Brute Man is a bit of noire horror fluff that never really takes off. In some
ways it seems like a vehicle for Rondo Hatton to expand his acting from a
simple monster into a more rounded type of character. On the flip side it’s
just another film that tries to exploit Rondo’s looks to make him a villain.
Normally this type of thing
isn’t a huge surprise, but Rondo Hatton is a special case. He was suffering
from an illness called acromegaly. This disease affects the pituitary gland and
causes external features to grow abnormally. It is a painful and potentially
deadly disease. This was Hatton’s last film and he died due to complications
from the disease. With all that in mind, it makes it a little hard to enjoy the
film on any level.
Looking past that, the film
itself just isn’t very good. The Brute
Man clocks in at under an hour, but for some reason it is packed with
padding sequences. It can’t decide if it wants The Creeper to be the main
character, or maybe the two bumbling cops pursuing him, or maybe the folks he’s
trying to kill. By constantly switching perspectives the viewer the pacing ends
up feeling pretty choppy. The police scenes are the worst; they slow the action
down to a crawl, and don’t amount to much. All we figure out is that these two
bozos don’t know how to catch the creeper.
The script has Helen play blind as also kinda dumb.
But the scenes with Hatton
aren’t so hot either. Hatton was obviously in pain during the filming of the
movie, and he is moving very slowly. This means that the camera is moving
slowly, even during chase scenes. The director must have decided to go “extra noire”
because many of the scenes are filmed at night. Between that and the age of the
print, the screen becomes a mix of dark grey blobs moving on darker grey blobs
with some black patches to add dimension. It ends up looking like an eye test
from Hades.
But the real topper is the
whole fire escape scene… or should I say scenes. The creeper escapes into an
alleyway three different times. We get to see him climb up the fire escape, in
darkness each time. It’s not exciting, or interesting, or much of anything
really. I’m just really puzzled why the director felt that seeing this scene
more than once would add anything to the movie, other than pad the running time.
There are a few good moments
in The Brute Man. The scenes where
the Creeper interacts with the blind Helen are actually handled well. Adams
does a good job in the part (even if her dialogue is a bit silly at times).
Hatton does a good job too, showing a more compassionate side to his character.
I get the feeling he liked trying something a bit different than his typical
maniacal killer role. It’s also interesting to see this element as a basis for
a similar relationship in the films Manhunter
and Red Dragon.
The craggy grocer provides the best unintentional laughs.
Then there are the scenes
with the angry grocer and his young clerk. The grocer is so over the top in his
crotchety nature that you can’t help but laugh. It is almost like you are
watching a completely different movie, some odd coming of age comedy. Of course
these characters have very little to do with the plot. It ends up turning into
a pointless padding scene. But at least hey provide some amusement.
The movie finally creeps to
its finish and you’re left feeling kinda bored and kinda sad that this was
Hatton’s final film. His memory has been preserved and he has inspired quite a
few villains in future films (check out the henchman in The Rocketeer for a Creeper look-alike). It’s a good thing we have
Mike and bots on hand to provide some laughs.
Episode Review:
Never before has film captures the grandeur of chickens.
This was the second episode
of the extremely short season seven. So this means you’ve got riffers at the
top of their game and writing crew to match. For the most part every episode in
season seven is a winner, but there is always an exception to the rule.
Unfortunately the Brute Man is that
exception.
But first you have The Chicken of Tomorrow. Since this
appeared to be the last short film the crew was ever going to tackle (their
future on Sci-fi Channel was not yet assured) I get the feeling they just went
from broke on this one. And boy did it pay off. This has to be one of the funniest
shorts they did. Although I admit the first time I watched it, I was so puzzled
by the bizarre short that I missed most of the riffing.
This little movie moves
quickly and is constantly providing something new for the boys to work with.
From scenes with hundreds of little chicks running around in straw to the final
moments where an auctioneer who looks like Ross Perot starts shouting at the
screen, you’ve got a gold mine of riffing.
Autos and petroleum get name dropped a lot in this odd
short.
When the title is revealed
Tom quips, “The Chicken of Tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of
today”. During a scene where we see a chick hatching from an egg Mike says, “I
hate it when people tape their own deliveries”. They are agog when the chicken
talks like Mae West, I think it provided some serious nightmare fuel for them.
They also have a blast with the voice over. The man keeps pausing in almost
Shatner-esque ways. This allows the boys to add all kinds of dialogue. One of
my favorites is when the voice says, “Wait a minute, you may ask yourself,” and
Crow adds, “Why am I watching this?”
Well one of the reasons is to
learn how clean eggs fetch a better price at market than dirty eggs. So Crow
declares, “Lick your eggs clean, or have a friend lick them.” I’m sad to say
that this line has become a catchphrase around our house whenever someone
mentions cleaning anything. In the end Mike declares, “Eggs are complicated.
They should cost 100 dollars each!” Well I wouldn’t go that far, but the
riffing for The Chicken of Tomorrow is
worth its weight in gold… or maybe chicken nuggets.
Why doesn't she have a problem with him sneaking
into her apartment three different times?
As for the feature film,
well the movie does it’s best to scuttle the riffing. Between the slow pacing
and the dark grey on black scenes there just isn’t much for the boys to work
with. And yet, they come to the table with plenty of riffs and fire them in
rapid succession. In previous slogfests like The Beast of Yucca Flats, Starfighters
or Racket Girls this ends up
creating it’s own momentum and can help the whole affair. But as valiantly as
the boys try the movie is just to dower to really click.
A lot of jokes are based off
of Hatton’s appearance. I’m not sure if the writing crew didn’t know about his
illness, or if they decided they couldn’t riff The Brute Man without commenting on it. Hell, they did a similar
thing whenever they tackled a movie with Richard Kael (like Eegah). But for some reason, it just
seems in bad taste in Hatton’s case. I think it is because he is obviously in
pain, moving so slowly and carefully through the film. I can’t say that some of
the jokes didn’t make me chuckle like when Mike wonders if Moffet and his
buddies went “bobbing for anvils” to get their faces that way. Crow comments
that his profile looks like an Easter Island statue, and then later calls him
Big Head Todd is the Monster.
Other times they just have
fun with the fact that everyone in the movie keeps calling him The Creeper.
When Hatton reaches his hideout and leans against a wall Mike quips, “What a
day, I’m all creeped out.” I also like when Mike speaks for Helen with,
“Creeper… may I call you Creep?” When our anti-hero is wandering around the
bustling streets, with the cops supposedly out in force looking for him, Mike
and the bots keep making the locals call out, “Top of the morning to you
Creeper, old boy”, or “Have a murder filled day Creeper.” Or just, “Hey
Creeper!” Mike declares that the movie would have moved a lot faster if they
had called him The Jaguar instead.
Before Moffet was mutated into the Creeper, he was
a regular college joe.
They also try their best
when The Brute Man gets visually dark. Often they try to guess what is going on,
coming up with hilariously outrageous things. They speculate on what the
director was trying to accomplish with the repetition of the fire escape
scenes. In the end Tom wonders if the film “takes place in Alaska and filmed in
winter… since there is never any sun!”
But the sequence that is the highlight of the show is the amazingly cranky performance by the old grocer berating his young clerk. Much like the bizarrely annoyed psychic in Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders this old fellow rants and raves at his young employee for no reason at all. Mike and the bots have a field day with this surly man and provide all kinds of additional dialogue for him. The old guy even captures the spot in the end of show stinger.
My favorite riff comes from
Crow who reflects on how Moffet becomes deformed because of an accident in
chemistry class. “You know, none of this would have happened if Chemistry
wasn’t a required course.” True enough my gold friend, true enough.
The episode starts with Tom
Servo on the phone with his real estate agent and buying a duplex. Mike thinks
this is going to end in tears. Back at the mad scientists’ lair, Dr. Forrester
discovers that his mother Pearl is going out on a date with a sleazy guy named
Sandy (played with verve by Paul Chaplin). Before Pearl goes, she puts Crow
(who she is still calling Art) in charge of everyone – even Dr. Forrester. Of
course the irony there is that Trace Beaulieu was playing both parts. At the
first break, Tom is inspired by The Chicken
of Tomorrow to encase himself in a giant egg. Mike knocks it over (the
oaf!) and it’s a real mess. At the next break Mike tries to call his old
girlfriend for help. But her little boy answers the phone and it all goes
downhill from there. When we catch up with the boys again, Crow is inspired by
the fact that one of actors looks kinda like Thomas Dewey. So he creates a
song… Tom and Mike aren’t impressed. The episode ends with Tom attempting to be
a landlord for his duplex and failing miserably. It does end in tears.
Meanwhile Dr. Forrester turns the sleazy Sandy into a chicken of tomorrow.
Tom Servo may become, the Robot of Tomorrow!
For me this ends up being an
average episode. The riffing of The Brute Man is solid, but the film itself just
doesn’t lend itself too well to the whole process. However it is well worth
checking out The Chicken of Tomorrow riffing.
I give it three Mae West
talking chickens out of five.
This episode is available on Mystery
Science Theater 3000: Volume XXII
It all begins with the short
film from 1956, Once Upon a Honeymoon.
All songwriter Jeff (Ward Ellis) and his wife Mary (Virginia Gibson) want to do
is go on their honeymoon. They were married a year ago, but Jeff was so swamped
with his work on a play that the honeymoon was put off. Just as they are about
to leave, they get a call from Jeff’s boss. The lead actress in the show is
demanding a rewrite of the song. Despair starts to creep in as the couple
attempts to come up with a song. Little do they know that their guardian angel,
Wilber (Chick Chandler) has a bit of heavenly magic ready to help them out.
Night of the Blood Beast begins with an astronaut John Corcoran (Michael
Emmet) crash landing on earth. He doesn’t survive, but NASA picks up the ship
and the body to study just what went wrong. When the crew gets back to their
station, they find that they all contact to the outside world is blocked out by
a powerful magnetic force. Before you can say, alien life form, one of the
scientists is killed gruesomely and a strange shape is seeing wandering around
the base. On top of that John comes back to life – and he’s got a little
surprise. Turns out he didn’t come back alone. Incubating inside his body are
small living creatures of unknown origin. What other horrors will be revealed
during the Night of the Blood Beast?
Movie Review:
Every once in a while Mystery Science Theater 3000 would find
a short subject that was so bizarre, so unique, that it would defy
comprehension. Once Upon A Honeymoon is
right up there with Out of this World
and Mr. B Natural.
This is little movie
combines elements of It’s a Wonderful
Life with a ‘50s musical extravaganza. The opening scene with the angels
floating around on cloud nine is certainly bizarre enough. But when Wilber
cruises down to the roof of the house and uses his portable phone to call the
head angel, you’ve just got to wonder what kind of pills the creators were popping.
But the real puzzle is
figuring out the point of the whole enterprise. It’s obvious that this is a
short film advertisement for something. But unlike the outrageous Design for Dreaming which clearly made
its goal the exciting cars of the 1956 Motorama, this little film never clearly
points out what its hawking. It took multiple viewings for me to finally
realize that this was an extended ad for designer color phones. And no one was
going to watch this thing multiple times, except for fans of MST3K. You see, as
Mary is singing and dancing around, wishing for new interior designs for her
house, she made sure to mention the different color phones she can get for each
room. Also notice how Wilber the angel uses his portable phone, and the boss
makes a big deal of using conference call and speakerphone technology.
So, compared to Century 21 Calling it’s a failure as an
advertisement. But for sheer goofiness it’s a hoot. The wishing song is
ridiculous in the extreme. The acting is over the top. The dance sequences are
silly. Wilber the angel presents a whole new take on floaty. It’s just packed
with everything a fan of absurd cinema could want in their short film.
Executive producer for Night of the Blood Beast is Roger
Corman, and that should give you a hint of what’s in store. Corman can be
really hit or miss. And the fact that this film was paired with She Gods of Shark Reef may have you
worried. But there is some interesting stuff in this movie even if (as Mike
puts it) the film has been thoroughly Corman-ized.
There is an interesting film
in the middle of this movie. But it does struggle with a few things typical of
a low budget film of the era. The first is scope. The rocket ship used in the
early portions of the film is pretty silly looking, and extremely small. Worse
still is the official NASA equipment used in the film, an old farm truck and
what looks like an abandoned radio station as a home base. None of this looks
official in the least.
Our team of scientists look
even less convincing. Dr. Wyman (Tyler McVey) is the best of the lot, playing
the older gent with all the knowledge (and all the long talky scenes). Steve
(John Baer) seems to be around to do the heavy lifting and Dave (Ed Nelson) is
around to be aggressive. Donna (Georgianna Carter) is around to look cute and
take photos. Oh and to be threatened by the Blood Beast. The acting works OK
for a flick like this with Carter being the weakest link. Admittedly her part
is extremely thin anyway.
The real issue is the
pacing. There are lots and lots of talky scenes with little pay off or
suspense. There are also several montages of walking (a Corman favorite). I can
appreciate the idea to keep costs down by staying on one set, but the film
never does much with it (unlike John Carpenter’s The Thing which used its isolated setting to excellent advantage).
The scenes with the Blood Beast creeping around almost work at times, but
director Bernard Kowalski
never manages to pull it off. I had the same issue with his film Attack of the Giant Leeches.
The final result is that the
movie has enough oddities in it to make it interesting, but enough issues to
bog it down too much. But Mike and the bots are ready and raring to tackle the
Blood Beast.
Episode Review:
What better way to start off
the truncated season seven of Mystery Science Theater than with a Roger Corman
“classic”? Not only did Mystery Science
Theater 3000, tackle this film, but they also aired it on Thanksgiving of
1995, as part of the Turkey Day Marathon. As such the episode has two unique
sets of host segments: one them revolving all around Thanksgiving. So here you
go, the Thanksgiving episode of my favorite show.
For the most part, season
seven is a final hurrah for the cast and crew. You get the feeling here that
they were going to go out with a bang, and why not start with something that
fit their MO – a black and white sci-fi film with no budget. Having already
tested their mettle with some of the most painful films ever made in season six
(Coleman Francis trilogy of pain, not to mention Starfighters and Racket
Girls), even this slog-fest from Cormanland couldn’t keep the boys down.
Besides they start out with
the amazingly goofy Once Upon a
Honeymoon. From the minute the credits kick in Mike and bots just let the
riffs fly and the short just keeps on giving. The angel board meeting offers
all kinds of silly office related humor. When Wilber floats down to land on the roof of the house and
gets tangled in the television antenna Tom quips, “They just got immaculate
reception,” I also loved all the jokes they give Jeff as he grumbles and
grouses about writing the new song and putting off the honeymoon: and all the
sex that entails. During one scene as he scowls at the screen, his wife wanders
over and asks how it’s going. Crow responds with “Here’s how far I got: LAA!”
The wishing song and the
dance sequences offer all kinds of hilarious riffing opportunities. Tom does
what he does best, add hilarious riffs to the music and lyrics. When a dance
number starts, Mike focuses on the painful smile on Jeff’s face and says in a
strained voice “Honey, help! I can’t stop smiling!” Mike decides that the film
“is the perfect pairing with Eraserhead”.
While that is a hilarious thought,
I believe that Once Upon a Honeymoon is
one of the perfect pairings for Mike and the bots.
The movie proves a little
tougher, but not too much. As usual the talky scenes and walking scenes are a
challenge for riffing. But the guys focus more on the low budget “NASA”
equipment the crew uses, especially “Fred Sanford’s truck”. I also like Crow’s
comment, “If the name says Corman, then there’s gonna be walkin’.”
They also get confused
during one of the talking scenes on the name of one of the characters. It
appears that Judy refers to two different men as Steve. So Mike and the bots
just start calling everyone Steve – even Donna! This was very similar to Joel
and the bots getting confused with Ken in Fugitive Alien.
But for me the best jokes
revolve around the monster and the pregnant John. Crow identifies the monster
as “Barney after his horrible ordeal with the wild fire”. Mike gasps in horror
when its revealed that John “is pregnant with shrimp”. This leads to all kinds
of pregnant humor from the boys. But Tom notes that Night of the Blood Beast is much better than the Arnold Schwarzenegger
vehicle Junior.
The main host segments
revolve around Thanksgiving. It all starts when Dr. Forrester discovers that
Frank invited a whole bunch of people over for Thanksgiving dinner before he
disappeared at the end of season six. These include appearances from many
visitors from seasons past including Pitch from Santa Claus and Jack Perkins from his appearance in Fugitive Alien. Forrester’s mother
Pearl also shows up to make his life miserable. With each passing break the
Thanksgiving meal goes downhill as Dr. Forrester continues to screw things up
and his guests complicate matters (Kitten with a Whip keeps throwing up
hairballs in and on the food). On the satellite Mike has to act as a ref as the
bots tackle the age old debate: stuffing or mashed potatoes! Later Pearl and
“Art” (Pearl keeps calling Crow that) catch up on old times. The feast ends
with Dr. Forrester and Pearl gloating as all the guests react to the Turkey
Surprise.
This is a solid episode. The
short is one of the funniest they tackled. The movie is an above average riffing
session and the holiday themed host segments hit the spot.
I give it four baby shrimp
out of five.
This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater Collection
volume XVI.
Billy Duncan (Kim Milford) is the local outcast, even if he does wear super tight 70’s pants and has a cute girlfriend Kathy (Cheryl Smith). He gets harassed by pot smoking cops and dweeby bully Froggy (Eddie Deezen!?) in equal measure. Then he comes upon a laser gun and amulet in the desert. By combining the two he becomes a super-powerful green faced avenger able to blow people up, because he darn well feels like it. Doctor Mellon (Roddy McDowall) tries to help Billy. There is a mysterious government agent after Billy not to mention two cute looking stop-motion aliens and their very cool spaceship. Will Billy eventually snap out of it, or will everyone end up being the victim of his Laserblast!
Movie Review:
Rich in 70’s goodness, Laserblast has several tropes that monster movies of that era possess. Our lead character is a jerk, one that is counter to everyone else, and yet unhappy that he is not understood. Billy Duncan is one of those guys who might be kinda cool until you talk to him and realize he has a huge chip on his shoulder the entire time. This makes it very difficult to root for him as a hero. Instead you kinda hope the government agent or the cute little aliens find him.
Typical of these 70’s flicks, not a single person is likable, from the cops who are all stupid and useless, to the girlfriend, who seems nice enough but is dumber than a bag of hammers. Only Doctor Mellon comes across as reasonable, and only slightly abrasive. McDowall is actually the best actor of the bunch.
The movie is also dower and downbeat. Billy is misunderstood and oppressed. Then he gets his lasergun and goes on a rampage, while growing a disgusting hole in his chest. The movie is filled with anger, even going so far as blowing up a sign advertising Star Wars. It ends on a down note with our protagonist being brought down the alien forces. So no happy ending for you! Eat that Star Wars! Heck I’m not asking for a happy ending, but at least make your monster movie fun if it’s not going for scary.
Now being a lover of stop motion animation, I have a soft spot for the cute little aliens that run around. They open the movie up with some cool action sequence (well cool for this movie) and pop up a couple more times before the big finale. They are fun looking and their ship is pretty goofy, more of this kind of thing would have helped Laserblast. I’d rather look at them than Billy’s sour mug.
Those of you thirsty for some 70’s nostalgia will get plenty to enjoy here, from the teen fashions to the old designs for the soda cans in the movie. You also have a couple of neato vans driving around. Surprisingly the soundtrack is not all 70’s groovyness, but more electronic sounding closer to an early 80’s sound.
Surprisingly the music was co-written by Joel Goldsmith, a solid composer for television now and son of legendary composer Jerry Goldsmith (whose work includes Patton, The Omen, “tar Trek: the Motion Picture, LA Confidential and Planet of the Apes). Ok, now I’m off track here.
Lets put it this way, Laserblast feels like something that a bunch of friends put together because Star Wars was so popular. But their movie was gonna be deeper man, have more angst, be more of it’s time. Well, it also ended up being pretty lousy on top of it. Still there is enough to work with if you invite a stranded space man and his robots over to make fun of it.
Episode Review:
Laserblast goes down in Mystery Science Theater 3000 history for pretty much one reason. It’s the final episode made for Comedy Central. At the time, the cast and crew weren’t sure if they were going to be picked up by the Sci-fi Channel, so this was a farewell of sorts. In many ways it was a true farewell for one of the original writers and performers on the show, Trace Beaulieu.
But you know what, this episode is pretty funny for the movie riffing as well. Earlier this season Mike and bots struck gold with their take on The Incredible Melting Man a horrible piece of 70’s sludge that may be one of the juiciest movies they ever tackled. Here things take a decidedly more angsty view, but one that is just as 70’s. Billy is perfect for riffing. He takes himself so damn seriously, and Milford looks like he was hired because he kinda looked like Mark Hamill if you squint. He passes most of the movie with a bored look on his face, but I think that was on purpose. When he goes crazy with the laser gun and green face, it just opens up for more riffing. But my favorite Billy moment is when he first finds the gun and goes running around the desert pretending to shoot it yelling “Pow, Pow, Pow!” This guy looks around 19 or so, way too old and too cool be yelling “Pow” in the desert. I’m still not sure what the creators were going for here.
Mike and bots also fixate on the two idiot cops. One is dorky and gawky. One is huge and hairy. Both smoke some joints and love harassing Billy. The one that looks like Old Man Crenshaw from Boggy Creak 2 reminds our riffers of a commercial where we are repeatedly asked if we “are ready for some football”. This becomes a running joke, one I didn’t find that funny, but hey I don’t really remember the commercial. But aside from the football references, there’s plenty of riffing material to work with.
I think that most of the best material in Laserblast is for the stop motion aliens. They have odd rear ends that lead into all kinds of silly remarks. But between their random hand gestures and gibbering language, well it’s all tailor-made for our riffers. One scene features our alien hunters calling their boss on the view screen. One of the hunters raises his three fingered hand and Tom quips, “Read between the lines buddy!”. I also love when the two aliens are searching the desert. One has his back to the audience and is holding a long device in a pose that reminds Crow of Eddie Van Halen and so they go into a whole series of rocker based riffs.
All told, it’s a funny riffing session, not the best of the season, but a solid effort that will make you laugh. A few of the 70’s quips went over my head, and the football riff got old, but I know several fans who consider this a real classic episode. I won’t go that far, but easily a four star effort.
The host segments are what make this a real classic for fans of the show. Things start off with a very silly joke about the movie Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome that Mike tries to stop. When Dr. Forrester appears, he reveals that his funding has been cut and the experiment is over. So he leaves Mike and the bots to drift into deep space on the Satellite and gives them one more movie to “enjoy”. At the first break a Nomad probe (Star Trek fans will know what that is) invades the ship. Mike and the bots handle it. The next break has the ship entangled in a group field of Star Babies (2001 style). It’s up the crew to change one giant diaper! Next the ship is pulled near a black hole. To solve the problem Mike dresses as Captain Janeway from Star Trek Voyager – yeah it’s as hideous as you imagine. But does it work? For the final segment Mike and the bots are at the edge of the universe and become pure energy. Then we switch over to Dr. Forrester for another 2001 moment that ends the show.
This ends up being a very entertaining show, with some funny and silly host segments, the last hurrah for Trace (one of the original creators of the show) and a film with lots of good riffing. For many fans of the show Laserblast is one of the best, but I think this works just as well for anyone who enjoys the show, but may not call themselves a fan. Besides those little stop motion guys are hilarious.
I give it four cool 70’s vans out of five.
This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000: 20th Anniversary Edition.
This was the final season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 as it appeared on Comedy Central. For all we knew it was the final season of the show ever. Luckily Sci-fi Channel swooped in and saved the show for three more seasons, but what we have here is a strange in between time. I find it to be a celebration of everything we love about the show, concentrated into a very short season.
TV’s Frank (Frank Conniff) left the show at the end of the previous season and this required Doctor Forrester to obtain a new partner in pain. So his mother, Pearl Forrester (Mary Jo Pehl) showed up and quickly whipped Clayton into shape. Pearl turned out to be a very divisive character among fans of the show. Mary Jo had been writing the show for years and made several appearances on screen, most memorably as Jan in the Pan from The Brain that Wouldn’t Die. She’s a a solid performer, but Pearl in this incarnation is really grating. She was re-imagined for Season 8 and become downright loveable by the end of that season especially with her performance of “When Loving Lovers Love” in Overdrawn at the Memory Bank. Unfortunately we have to deal with her annoying self here.
Still the movie selection in this season was varied and even with Frank and Joel Hodgson missing, the riffing is firing on nearly all its cylinders. There are some classic episodes in this season and some hilarious host segments as well. Fans will remember the finale episode Laserblast as the real key. But my love of fantasy films makes me a fan of Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell.
The following is a list of all the episodes in Season 7 and the bonus short:
This is little movie
combines elements of It’s a Wonderful
Life with a ‘50s musical extravaganza. The opening scene with the angels
floating around on cloud nine is certainly bizarre enough. But when Wilber
cruises down to the roof of the house and uses his portable phone to call the
head angel, you’ve just got to wonder what kind of pills the creators were popping.
Executive producer for Night of the Blood Beast is Roger
Corman, and that should give you a hint of what’s in store. Corman can be
really hit or miss. And the fact that this film was paired with She Gods of Shark Reef may have you
worried. But there is some interesting stuff in this movie even if (as Mike
puts it) the film has been thoroughly Corman-ized.
Our team of scientists look
even less convincing. Dr. Wyman (Tyler McVey) is the best of the lot, playing
the older gent with all the knowledge (and all the long talky scenes). Steve
(John Baer) seems to be around to do the heavy lifting and Dave (Ed Nelson) is
around to be aggressive. Donna (Georgianna Carter) is around to look cute and
take photos. Oh and to be threatened by the Blood Beast. The acting works OK
for a flick like this with Carter being the weakest link. Admittedly her part
is extremely thin anyway.
The movie proves a little
tougher, but not too much. As usual the talky scenes and walking scenes are a
challenge for riffing. But the guys focus more on the low budget “NASA”
equipment the crew uses, especially “Fred Sanford’s truck”. I also like Crow’s
comment, “If the name says Corman, then there’s gonna be walkin’.”
