The Time Travelers (1964) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Three scientists are working on a window that will allow them to view events across time. So far they haven’t been very successful, and their funding is going to be cut off. Steve Connors (Philip Carey) decides to crank the power up to 11 for a final try. Dr. Steiner (Preston Foster) and Carol White (Merry Anders) aren’t as keen on the idea but go along with it. They experiment works… kind off. The resident lab groupie, Danny (Steve Franken) discovers that the working window isn’t a window at all, but a door. And because of the extra power boost they are looking nearly 100 years in the future.

Due to series of events, our three scientists and Danny go through the doorway and end up stranded in the future, which is a grim place. World war has destroyed the earth’s surface and only mutants survive. Underground is a group of advanced humans lead by Dr. Varno (John Hoyt) who are constructing a rocket to take them away from earth. They use some seriously creepy looking androids to help build the rocket and fight off the mutants. You see, resources on earth are nearly depleted and the mutants don’t want to be left behind. Can our Time Travelers figure out a way to avoid mutant attacks, return to the 60s and make sure this future never happens?

Movie Review:

Your lab coats won't save you now!

Every once in a while Mystery Science Theater 3000 finds a movie for riffing fodder that is not all that bad. In fact, I would say that Time Travelers is a lot of fun all the way around without the riffing. If you’ve never seen it before you may find yourself being pulled into the twisted time travel adventure and miss half the  riffs that Jonah and bots launch.

Written and directed by Ib Melchior, this man helped bring Reptilicus to the screen. But Melchior brings a bit more to the table when it comes to the script for this film. In Reptilicus he was tied to the typical giant monster movie tropes, but here he can play with time travel and the impacts on the travelers themselves.

Which one of you fluxed the capacitor?

While the characters in Time Travelers aren’t terribly engaging or well developed, the plight they find themselves in is interesting. These are your typical scientist types. Foster plays the older wiser scientist. Conners is the younger hot head who doesn’t play the by the rules. And Anders is… well she’s the girl. I guess we should just be happy that they have a female scientist at all in a 1964 film. But don’t expect her to actually contribute too much to the technical parts of the plot. She’s mostly around to make observations on the future culture and be saved by Steve.

Danny is the everyman character. He spends most of his time in the future with his mouth hanging open and hitting on the future ladies. Franken plays him a little broadly, but that is par the course for a movie like this. He adds a bit of levity to the scenes with some wry comments and bad pick up lines.

In the future everyone has a gaggle of creepy androids
following along behind them... um... yay?

Where Time Travelers ends up shining is as we explore the futuristic society. The way the humans have adapted using the androids (ignoring how darn creepy those things look) as a slave workforce and army is interesting. It allows the scientists and technicians to focus on working on the rocket. But it also keeps these greater minds from actually interacting with the dying earth and the mutants directly. These people were made by their situation, but they also perpetuate it by ignoring the plight of mutants and any who are like them. Carol’s compassion toward a partial mutant is looked at as detriment, but we understand how she can feel for those unfortunates.

"Wow, Simon got a lot more complicated."

All technological leaps our heroes see, the oranges that grow instantly, the music/light show, the ability to capture images of distant worlds, is all interesting and I like that the plot spends some time showing us all these elements and allowing our characters to interact and comment on it in some ways. It gives perspectives from both sides of the dilemma.

Time Travelers’ real weakness is mostly due to budget constraints. The concept is solid, but there are some moments where the execution is less because the effects look a bit silly, or the androids are just too darn creepy.

Alas poor Data. I knew him Horatiotron.

Yeah, let’s not ignore the elephant in the room any longer. Are these things supposed to be uncut nightmare fuel? As melty and lumpy as the mutants are, the androids are just wrong with their O shaped mouths, dead eyes and cone heads (inspiration for the Saturday Night Live sketch of the 70s?). They seem helpful enough, but I swear if I caught this film on TV when I was a kid, they would have scarred my psyche for life.

I will admit that the whole sequence in the repair bay is a lot of fun, with solid practical effects and slight of hand to make the whole thing interesting to watch… and then you get another close up of an android face and you run screaming from the room.

Oh wait, is this a Tom Baker episode? Cool!

There are a few bad points. The pacing of the film is on the slow side, but that is more a relic of the time it was made. For a scientist film made in the 1960s it actually moves along pretty well. Some of the sets look a little flimsy and the model work for the rocket isn’t all that convincing, but I’m willing to give it all a pass. Time Travelers does such a good job focusing on crafting a solid sci-fi story and doing it as well as it can, I find it to be a bit charming and entertaining.

Tom gives the rocket a helping hand.

Right up to the ending. The story attempts an interesting twist, something that could have come right out of a Rod Serling script. It will certainly remind some viewers of one of the old Star Trek episodes. But due to some editing on by the crew at MST3k it ends up not making a whole lot of sense. I’ve seen the movie twice and while I appreciate the effort, I’m also not quite sure what the heck happened at the end. Not in a good 2001: A Space Odyssey way, but more in a Starcrash kind of way (but we’ll get to that in good time too).

The Time Travelers is a solid B grade sci-fi adventure, with an engaging story and some fun visuals. Jonah and the bots find plenty to work with, but does this turn out to be too easy of a target for them?

Episode Review:

Take a trip to the uncanny valley... to hell!

When the episode ended my wife turned to me and said that the whole thing reminded her strongly of a Joel/Comedy Central era episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Maybe it was the fact that The Time Travelers feels like it would be something they would watch after The First Spaceship on Venus or even 12 to the Moon. Jonah’s style of riffing certainly feels more like Joel’s easygoing style and less aggressive than Mike’s.

That said, I could see The Time Travelers being a big favorite for anyone who loves a good 50s/60s scientist movie. All the tropes are in full force and Jonah and the bots have a good time with them. For the most part the riffing is solid, although they are still clustering riffs rapidly together at times. This creates some pacing and timing issues that I noticed in all the early episodes of season 11.

"What is he doing the its ro-batch!?"

They do end up picking on the character of Danny quite a bit. I’m not sure the character earns it. He’s kind of annoying but not as aggressively annoying as Paul from Cry Wilderness or Akton from Star Crash. For some reason they go off on him quite a bit. Some of the riffs are funny. I do like when Jonah comments that the scientists should get Danny a Highlights magazine while they do important stuff. Later when they attempt to use a matter transporter device on Danny and he appears in a 2D form Tom says, “He’s more Polaroid than man, twisted and Danny.” Quite a few Star Wars based riffs in this one, especially when Crow does a C-3PO impression during the robot repair bay sequence.

Oranges... OF THE FUTURE!

There are also a lot of fun riffs based on the concept of time travel and how the movie’s script attempts to explain and execute them. Crow takes time to remind Jonah and Tom that he often travels through time at the rate of one hour per hour. Later on when the scientists declare that they have gone over the target time they were aiming for Crow asks, “Do I get paid overtime to go overtime?” When our heroes return to the 60s only to realize they arrived before they actually left Crow asks, “Hey, did the movie just lap itself?” Those are all valid questions.

Are they going to give him a less creepy head?

But my favorite riffing sequence in The Time Travelers takes place during the robot construction sequence. As we take a full tour of the robot repair bay we get a great combination of riffing. On the one hand the disturbing robot faces cause all kinds of hilarious jokes from Jonah and the bots. But then Tom and Crow are intrigued and disturbed by seeing other robots being created. Their reactions are priceless. The sequence only suffers a bit form the speed of the riffing here, I was laughing so much that I missed many jokes even during the second viewing.

"Our oranges have the vodka already inside, so you
don't have to!"

The host segments are right in the middle of the road. It starts with Jonah and the bots playing “Never did I ever…” but the bots take the easy way out with things like “Never did I ever breath oxygen.” During the invention exchange Crow invents the edible silica packet for your snacks. It allows you to do the forbidden act and not die a horrible death. The Mads come up with the After-life alert, modeled off the silly looking medallion from Cry Wilderness. After you die you can contact someone using the After-life alert to ask for help getting to heaven… or the other place. After The Time Travelers in the film ignore safety protocols Crow and Gypsy are concerned that Tom and Jonah may do the same thing. So they create a helpful safety film for them. Jonah and Tom think the whole thing is goofy. At the next break Jonah keeps introducing new robot friends. This enrages Tom and Crow and they destroy them! But Jonah may be doing this on purpose.

A difference of opinion about how to celebrate
200 hilarious episodes.

In the next break we get another guest cameo as Dr. Varno played with gleeful relish by Elliot Kalan. You may recognize Elliot from The Daily Show where he was a writer as well a performer. You also get a chance to see Joel Hodgson out of his Ardy garb and play Larry the orange tree scientist. The two are cruising through space being the party animals they are. They invite Jonah and the bots to come along on their galactic party, but Jonah declines (much to the bots disappointment). When the episode ends Kinga declares it a success and says it is the 200^th episode of the series (if you count the KTMA episodes). How time flies when you’re riffing.

Yeah I think the mutants have the right idea.

This is a fun episode with a solid riffing session and a watchable movie. Fans of the classic science fiction episodes featured on older MST3K episodes will find a lot to enjoy here. You really get the feel that The Time Travelers could have appeared on season three or four of the original series. For me, while I had a good time, it didn’t quite hit those high points I was hoping for. The rushed riffing hurt it and the movie’s pacing is on the slower side. As usual, I’ve already run into people that say this is their favorite episode of the season. I can recommend it for sure, but it is not in the top tier.

I give it three dead eyed androids out of five.

This episode is available on the Netflix streaming.

"Doh! How are we supposed to get Back the Future?"

And Then This Happened... The Time Travelers

Traveling through time can be a tricky business. There are all those issues with paradoxes and accidentally killing your great grandmother so you are never born. But there are also the dangers of traveling to a time where you are constantly attacked by people who just don't like you. In that case, it is always good to bring gear you may need to defend yourself against such vicious attacks. Of course you may have a Time Lord with you, but that is a whole other Tardis full of fun.

In this case our Time Traveler finds herself the center of some unwanted attention. Time to caption this scene.

And then this happened...

Jack Frost (1964) – MST3K Review

Summary

Amazingly adorable Nastenka (Natalya Sedykh) lives with an evil stepmother and wicked stepsister. Her life is one of toil and ridicule. Her father is a pathetic wimp who always agrees with the evil stepmother. One day Nastenka meets handsome braggart Ivan (Eduard izoltov) who tries to impress her but ends up turning into a half man half bear. All because he was a jerk to Grandfather Mushroom after an extended game of hide and seek (don’t ask). 

Ivan runs off to do a good deed and turn back into a handsome man. Meanwhile after a matchmaking meeting goes poorly for the wicked stepsister, Nastenka is blamed for the debacle. The poor girl is taken out to the middle of the forest to freeze to death. Told you the stepmother was wicked! She is found by Jack Frost (Aleksandr Khvylya) the spirit of winter who takes her into his home. At the same time Ivan, attempts to find Nastenka and runs into the wicked witch, Baba Yaga (Georgi Milyar). She claims to want to help, but she is determined to eat Ivan and turn Nastenka into a frozen statue. Will our fairy tale heroes end up dead, or will they be saved by the magical powers of Jack Frost?

Movie Review

Like nearly all the Russian fairy and folktale movies tackled by Mystery Science Theater 3000, you can view these films in two ways. You can see them as colorful, entertaining films filled with magic, and child-like wonder. Or you can view them as insane, nonsensical bits of film containing some of the funniest dub lines uttered and strangest situations ever put on the screen.

As a lover of fantasy films, I fall into the first camp. Jack Frost or Morozko as it is known in Russian is first and foremost a fairy tale targeted toward children. The characters are simple. The situations are outlandish. There are moments that are supposed to thrill the single digit age crowd and put a smile on the face of adults who remember those folk tales fondly.

Jack Frost is really a compilation of several fables and story tropes combined together to make a single narrative. That explains why it jumps around quite a bit doing its best to work the Santa Claus-like figure of Morozko into the same tale as infamous witch Baba Yaga. To be honest, it takes some serious stretching to get there. Still we root for Nastenka, because she has a good heart and is pretty. At first we don’t like Ivan because he’s a braggart and rude to his elders. But after he turns into a silly bear headed man, he learns his lesson and becomes the hero of our story. He tricks Baba Yaga and does his best to save Nastenka after she is frozen. He has a good heart, he just needed to be shown how to treat others with respect. With simple lessons to learn, the movie isn’t a masterpiece of plotting, but an interesting grab bag of your favorite European and Russian stories.

Where the movie really shines is the amazing visuals and fun situations. For a Russian film made in 1964, this is an elaborate production, with colors popping off the screen and crazy costumes and special effects. Sure it’s all a bit dated looking now, but the magic is still there. Everything from animation to reversing the film is used to create the magical world. One of my favorite special effects is the silly wooden pig sled that goes racing over the snow. Its such a random sequence executed with a bit of string and sped up camera that you can’t help but laugh and shake your head. Every effort was made to make this fairy tale land come to life and I think it was handled very well.

The acting is all over the top and silly. Not a single character plays a normal person. Nastenka Is so cute your teeth hurt. The witch is so wicked that you can’t help but boo her, and yet she’s silly enough that little children won’t be too frightened. My favorites are the nasty stepmother and stepsister. These two are so repulsive and horrid that you can’t wait for them to get their just desserts. Even Jack Frost appears as a mysterious force at first. You don’t know if you can trust him, but when Nastenka melts his heart, he’s like the magical grandfather your never had. Unfortunately the dubbing is uniformly bad, with lines coming out in a jumble or just not making a lick of sense. My knowledge of Russian myths and legends helped me follow the film, but if you’re not familiar with these stories you could get lost very easily.

As much as I appreciate Jack Frost, I can say that it is one of the goofiest things I’ve seen. The pig sled is only one example of random hilarity to be found here. Another is Grandfather Mushroom, a disappearing old coot who toys with Ivan. The witch’s cottage with legs and thuggish tree henchmen has to be seen to be believed. The robbers look like a mix of Michael Palin and schnauzers. Then there’s the entire matchmaker sequence where the stepsister gets gussied up for an interview with the eligible bachelor. Wow! It’s all done in the name of fun and magic, but its so over the top, and foreign at times your American mind can’t help but laugh. It was a perfect fit for Mike and the bots. Let's see what they do with it.

Episode Review

This is the fourth Russian fairytale film the crew tackled and in my book it’s the best one. The Sword and the Dragon was on the slow side. The Day the Earth Froze seemed to stun Joel and the bots with its strangeness. The Magic Voyage of Sinbad has the best riffing of the Comedy Central episodes, but really Jack Frost fires on all cylinders.

Part of the reason has to be that Sci-fi channel finally relaxed enough to let the crew to do something other than sci-fi or horror, and something that wasn’t in the Universal catalogue. After the endless parade of black and white John Agar-fests, I think the crew was exciting to tackle something in a bit more outlandish. What better way to celebrate than with an amazingly colorful and insane film like Jack Frost?

The boys get right to work commenting that the stepsister looks like Tom Petty in a baby’s crib. When they comment that the candy she’s sucking on looks like liver on a stick, you know you’re in for a good one. Grandfather Mushroom opens the door for drug related humor (“Isn’t that what they called Jerry Garcia?”) When Ivan turns into a bear, they can’t believe their eyes and just roll with it. The pig sled, the witch, the robbers - its as if the movie is just gift-wrapping the situations and characters for riffing. 

The boys have some fun with how darn cute Nastenka is, and how often her little face fills up the screen with her huge eyes. They get a kick out of the over the top acting provided by Jack Frost himself, as he rants, raves, and flails about. He bears more than a passing resemblance to the nutty Santa in Santa Claus. All the animals in the film are given their own lines thanks to Mike and bots, with the family dog and the evil cat getting the best ADR riffing. The boys are non-stop with the laughs. After another impossible and over the top occurrence concludes Crow says, “Well I guess this is just a magical land, Mike.” He pauses and then says, “I hate magical lands!”

But the hatred it feigned. The movie is too good to hate and so silly that you can’t help but laugh with it. The jokes are varied and plentiful, really making this a can’t miss episode for anyone who loves fantasy films and anything with a bad dub.

Sadly the host segments are really hit and miss. Pearl takes off and leaves Observer and Bobo behind on the “camping planet”. The two argue for a while before Mike steps in and nearly gets them to forget about the movie. After the first break Crow brings in Yakov Smirnoff (if you don’t remember him, good!) to comment on the film. He fails. At the next break, Crow has turned into a bear, just like Ivan in the movie! Mike and Tom don’t believe him. For the next break, Crow brings in another expert in Russian fables – Earl Torgeson. Yeah no one knows who he is either. When the movie concludes Servo tries to be as cute at Nastenka and fails. Pearl comes back in time to determine what the best ape movie ever made is.

This is one of the gems of the second half of season eight and maybe of the entire show. The episode provides lots of laughs. It’s also fun movie to watch during winter and makes for an excellent final part of a trilogy including Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and Santa Claus. I can hardly wait to inflict it on other family members this next holiday.

I give it five wooden pig sleds out of five.

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection Volume XVIII.

Goldfinger (1964)

Introduction:

How do you write a review for what many consider  the quintessential James Bond movie. It is considered the king of the Connery flicks (and for many the best James Bond film ever made). It is the very definition of iconic. So really, should I spend any time going over what everyone else already knows? Of course I will! I’m going to write reviews for every Bond movie. Besides, I think it’s time to scrape off some of that gold paint and see a bit of the tarnish underneath. Oh yeah… I’m going there.

Summary:

British super agent James Bond (Sean Connery) is just trying to enjoy some relaxation in Miami when his superior M (Bernard Lee) gives him a new assignment. Bond is to observe Auric Goldfinger (Gert Frobe) a wealthy industrialist who they suspect is in the gold smuggling business. Bond quickly gets on Goldfinger’s bad side when he seduces Goldfinger’s pretty assistant Jill (Shirley Eaton). Before you can say “most famous film image of the 1960s”, Jill is covered in gold paint and Bond Is standing over her lifeless body.

Well Bond isn’t going to take this lying down. He goes after Goldfinger and soon uncovers a diabolical scheme to raid Fort Knox! With some help from the pretty Tilly (Tania Mallet) and a super car, Bond attempts to stop the plot. But against him are Goldfinger’s dangerous agents, Oddjob (Harold Sakata) and Pussy Galore (Honor Blackman). Does Bond have any hope of bringing Goldfinger to justice?

Good Points:

• Hits all the key elements that you expect in a James Bond film
• Honor Blackman is alluring in her role
• The Astin Martin nearly steals the show

Bad Points:

• Drops the serious thrills in favor of silly spectacle
• Bond spends the second half of the movie hanging out
• The script could have used a few more passes

Overall:

The James Bond series hits the formula in this film, and it would inspire many of the sequels as well as countless imitators. It’s a fun flick, but a long way from the edgy thrillers leading up to this film. The script has plenty of loose threads and random moments. While I don’t hold this is a high point, it’s a perfectly average outing for 007.

Scores (out of 5)

Visuals: 4

Sound: 3

Acting: 4

Script: 2

Music: 4

Direction: 3

Entertainment: 3

Total:  3

In Depth Review

It was the kiss of death, from Mr. Goldfinger.

A lot of people LOVE this movie. When it comes to king of the James Bond series, Goldfinger tends to be on top. As I mentioned before, nearly every scene is iconic in some way. It’s fun, a bit breezy, a bit over the top and has some very funny and quotable lines in it. In so many ways, this film was the perfect fit for the perfect time. It was this film that turned James Bond into a phenomenon.

Because of all that, it’s really hard to look at the film objectively, or in comparison to the other James Bond films around it. The Bond series is very much a snapshot of popular culture. With this film – Bond became popular culture, and held that position for the next couple movies. I think that is why so many people connected with it, and with Sean Connery as their James Bond.

But that doesn’t mean only people who caught Goldfinger in theaters are the big fans. I’ve met plenty of people my age and younger who adore the film. Most of the time, it is their first exposure to James Bond and it becomes a kind of keystone for them. All other Bond films are measured against it.

But I believe that as entertaining as the film is, it isn’t the best James Bond film, or even the best Sean Connery film, or even the best Bond film of the 1960s. It lies solidly in the middle of the pack.

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

The visuals are one of the most impressive things about the film. Ken Adam did an amazing job with the set design and would only top it in You Only Live Twice. His set for Fort Knox is stellar, looking impressive and a bit fantastic. The shimmering gold lighting and illuminating the bars all around James and Oddjob during the final battle are like something out of a dream. Equally impressive is Goldfinger’s rec-room/war room. With Its sliding panels, trapdoors and rising and falling furniture, it’s the perfect man cave for a megalomaniacal villain.  Then there is the laser room, easily one of the most iconic visuals in the film, with its sole table in the center of darkness, as the shiny machine prepares to whittle Bond down to size. Last but not least is the first time we see Q’s laboratory. This scene made such an impression that it was considered mandatory inclusion in every Bond film until Casino Royale in 2006.

This leads into the camerawork in the film. Goldfinger has so many memorable visuals in it, and that goes in large part to Ted Moore’s cinematography and framing. The golden girl draped across the bed is immediately stamped into our minds. The low angle, the lighting plays up the beauty and horror of the scene. I already mentioned the laser scene, but the high angle for the establishing shots, not to mention the close ups on the laser and it’s progress are striking. The entire finale sequence at Fort Knox includes many visual highlights. Strangely enough, whenever I think of this film, my mind goes right to the aerial photography of Pussy’s pilots flying over the military base around the fort. Combined with John Barry’s brassy score, this moment always stands out. Finally you have the framing of the battle around and inside the fort, with the camera capturing the scope of Adam’s sets as well as the action in front of us.

Operation Grand Slam has nothing to do with Denny's.

As usual the sound effects work in the Bond film meets the needs of the production. These early films didn’t have some of the spectacular sound work of the later flicks (especially from Goldeneye on). But the musical score by John Barry is often considered the first “true” James Bond score. Barry helped pen the title theme, and uses it as the theme for the film. He integrates Monty Norman’s James Bond theme into the score at key moments and even comes up with a sinister motif for Oddjob. From Goldfinger to The Living Daylights Barry’s signature sound would be the frame for all the James Bond films. Even when different composers tackled the series, they would end up relying on the mold Barry created here.

From an acting standpoint, you’ve got a solid cast. Connery seems to be having a good time in the role, comfortable with the character and the lighter tone of the film. I think he’s a bit better in Thunderball, because the role is a bit meatier. Matching him is Honor Blackman as Pussy. I love her tough gal performance. She doesn’t take any flack from Bond and seems to be a perfect match for him. Of course she has to melt in his arms by the end, but while she’s his foil, she does a great job.  Gert Frobe is a bit tougher to judge. He was dubbed over and so you have to judge his physical presence more than anything else. He’s got the sinister, confident and jovial villain down pat. It was such a memorable performance that it would be cloned in many imitations (and even a few sequels).

Silent henchmen and caddy, Oddjob does it all.

The supporting cast is great too, with Sakata being an intimidating presence as Oddjob. Shirley Eaton is sexy and likable as Jill Masterson who would become the golden girl. Tania Mallet as her sister Tilly is just as good as the revenge driven sibling. Back in London we get solid performances by Bernard Lee and Louis Maxwell. But the real surprise was Desmond Llewellyn as Q. The part was greatly expanded from his appearance in From Russia With Love. Here he is a foil for Bond and does a great job in the part. Again, it became a necessity to have Llewellyn in the part that he appeared in every James Bond film by MGM until 1999’s The World is Not Enough (with the exception of Live and Let Die).

Where Golfinger ends up falling a bit short is in the script. And that’s not to say the actual dialogue itself. There are plenty of classic lines from this film, and many that have become some of the most beloved lines in the James Bond canon. No I’m talking about the way story is constructed and executed.

It's Pushy!

From an early point on director Guy Hamilton decided to change the tone of this particular James Bond movie. He wanted to make it less inspired by Hitchcock, as From Russia With Love obviously was. He decided to make the whole thing more light and more like a comic book. This may be why certain plot elements aren’t really fleshed out or seem to go nowhere.

With the focus firmly on getting Bond into and out of scrapes, this allowed the writing team to come up with the first full pre-credit sequence. Unlike the one from the previous film, Goldfinger’s pre-credit sequence acts like a short Bond film. It gives us everything we could want, and sets the tone of the film. There’s action, explosions, a hot girl, Bond acting suave and Bond with a seagull on his head. It even ends with a classic post kill quip.

I got to admit this was a great way to start the movie. Once the movie proper kicks in, the first hour or so is actually handled fairly well. The introduction to Goldfinger is classic. I love how Bond outmaneuvers him in the card game, and then again during the golf game. Once he gets into the Goldfinger’s refinery and we get the great car chase, it seems like the movie is shaping up well.

Settle in James, you'll be stuck here a long time.

Things start to go badly when the movie arrives in Kentucky. Goldfinger catches sight of Felix (Cic Linder) casing the place and keeping an eye out for Bond. So Goldfinger decides to keep Bond around, visibly walking around with Pussy. This convinces Felix that Bond is in no danger. This whole sequence seems a bit pointless. It ends up slowing the forward momentum of the story. Too much time is spent with Bond in captivity and sitting around making smart remarks and not much else.

The weakest bit of writing in Goldfinger comes during the scene where our villain gathers all the mob bosses together, tells them his entire plot and then kills them. If he was just planning on killing them, why bother to tell them his plot? You can write it off as his ego forcing him to gloat. But it’s just bad screenwriting. The scene only exists to allow Bond to hear the plot and then get the word to Felix. There had to be a better way to get that information. Instead we get a fairly messy scene that leads to another pointless (but cool scene) of Oddjob getting rid of the last gangster, ironically named Solo (Martin Benson).

The Bond vs. Oddjob battle is a classic.

Once the action moves to Fort Knox, it gets better. Bond still spends most of the sequence chained to a metal box, but the stakes are high and it’s fun to watch Goldfinger’s plan in action. When Bond manages to free himself it feels like a James Bond film again, and the ending is good. I still think Goldfingers final scene is bizarre and hilarious. I’m not sure if that was the intention, but it’s one of the goofiest villain deaths in the canon (only supplanted by the bizarre death by inflation in Live and Let Die).

The second hour of the film always annoys me. It’s too messy and lacks momentum. The thing is, it fits the more cartoony and breezy tone that Hamilton wanted. You aren’t supposed to think about the movie that hard, just enjoy the ride. And most folks do.

"You've been a very naughty screenwriter."

But the side effect is that there is very little danger in this film. The most intense scene Is the laser sequence. Compared to the tense capture scene in Dr. No or the brilliant game of wits on the train with Grant in From Russia with Love, this movie is much less concerned with danger and more with spectacle. It’s that element that really turned Bond into a phenomenon. I’m not complaining, I love Bond flicks when they pull out all stops like Thunderball or The Spy Who Loved Me. But the thing is, I like both of those movies more than Goldfinger. They have better momentum, and a better understanding of what they are trying to accomplish.

But at the same time Goldfinger was the first of it’s kind of film. Even more than Dr. No it is really the beginning of the James Bond legacy, and so it deserves that distinction and everything that goes with it. But I feel that I can’t be called the best of the best. 

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) - MST3K Review

Summary

The children of Mars are falling into a stupor of malaise. Martian leader Kimar (Leonard Hicks) consults the wise elder and the oddball declares that Martian children need Santa Claus. Kimar and a select group of Martians race to Earth via a rocket propelled by string and sparklers to find Santa (John Call). They abduct two earth children to guide them to Santa’s location and promptly nab the jolly old elf. They get him set up on Mars with a workshop with an assistant Droppo (Bill McCutcheon), the laziest Martian. But a bitter angry and mustached Martian named Voldar (Vincent Beck) hates Santa Claus and all he stands for. Can a combination of earth and Martian children unite to help Santa Claus conquer the Martians?

Movie Review

There’s a certain school of thought that says that a movie targeted toward children has to play down to them. That’s the difference between a children’s film and a family film. For a great example of a family film, check out the animated films by Hayao Miyazaki: especially Ponyo or My Neighbor Totoro. Both films tell simple stories with conflicts that aren’t too frightening or complicated for younger minds. But the movies never play down to the viewers. An adult can watch both films and enjoy the whimsy, playfulness and heart contained with them. You never feel like you’re losing brain cells when you watch a Miyazaki film.

Then there’s something like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It’s dumb, really dumb. It assumes you’re dumb (because you believe in Santa Claus you poor dope) and goes out of its way to entertain you in the most idiotic way possible. The biggest and most horrifying example of this is Droppo. My god, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone mug and mince around as much as Droppo. From the first 30 seconds you see this brain dead extraterrestrial you want to reach through the screen to strangle him. He’s not funny, not once. Even as a kid, I’d probably hate him. The movie insists that Droppo is the height of comedy and forces him into scene after scene. The kids in the film appear to be humoring him, when really should just be put out of his misery.

Then there’s Voldar, a walking villain cliché. Between his sneering, evil laugh and huge mustache you just know that he is EVIL. Beck chews all the scenery he can get his hands on. When you get a scene with him and Droppo in it, you start praying for it to end or for the screen to explode. At least Voldar isn’t aggressively annoying. He’s just grumpy and stupid.

Stupid seems to be the name of the game in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. People don’t act like this! Not even Martians. Santa Claus isn’t jolly, he’s an imbecile with a complex that makes him laugh at everything. Both sets of children aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed and act more like how a grown-up thinks a kid would act. It’s really just an odd set of performances.

The plot itself actually has potential. This could be remade with a better script and maybe animated and make a really entertaining holiday film. The idea of Martians abducting Santa and kids trying to save him could work. But the stupid contrivances in the story screw things up time and again. What is the deal with the polar bear? Why introduce the robot and then barely use him? Voldar’s best plan is to abduct Santa and hold him in a cave? Is Santa so powerless that he can be abducted by the stupid Martians in the first place? The big finale is to have Droppo become the Santa for Mars – seriously? I weep for the children of Mars.

Director Nicholas Webster has no sense of pacing. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians drifts along, never gaining momentum, just slogging from scene to scene with lifeless abandon. This makes scenes with Droppo stretch into infinity. This film obviously had a pretty low budget, and for a script that actually has some scope - they had to actually create scenes on Mars – they are extremely limited in what they could do. So many of the sets and costumes are just plain laughable. But the best stuff is the “polar bear” and the “robot”. For me, these are the highlights of the film and generate plenty of laughs by themselves. Oh and I can’t forget the song “Hooray for Santee Claus”… yeah you read that right. It’s as painful as it sounds.

Only Joel and the bots have the power to riff us through this mess. But will their combined power be enough?

Episode Review

This movie is just bursting with odd characters and bizarre sequences, its tailor made for MST3K. For the most part Joel and the bots do a good job with it. They have a lot of fun when the Martians travel to earth and try to abduct Santa Claus. The entire sequence at the north pole is full of great riffing as the Maritans land, the kids escape, the polar bear and the robot are utilized and Santa’s elves get petrified. For me, it’s the best set of riffing in the entire episode.

But once they get Santa and take him back to Mars the riffing slows down along with the movie. The middle portion of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a slog as Voldar and Kimar argue, Santa meets the Martian kids and Droppo acts like a moron. The pacing during these scenes is killer and Joel and the bots just don’t have much to work with.

Finally Voldar puts his lame plan into action and conscripts to moronic followers. One of these guys looks like Jimmy Durante which leads to all kinds of jokes. This helps the finale spring back into shape with lots of comments during the climactic clash at the toy factory. By this time the guys have had enough of Droppo and the spontaneous laughter that Santa seems to create, so they just let the movie have it. The finale is pretty darn hilarious with some great riffing matching the stupidity of the ending.

The host segments are a mixed bag. Things start off with Crow and Tom looking over Christmas catalogues. For the invention exchange Joel shows off some serious misfit toys and the mad scientists create a machine that turns cool Christmas gifts into boring ones. The first break has the best of the host segments. Crow has written a new Christmas carol inspired by the movie Roadhouse. Its called “A Patrick Swayze Christmas” and it’s hilarious. The next break has Joel and the bots reviewing all the television Christmas specials they have on tape. The next host segment has the gang on the Satellite reading Christmas essays. Tom’s gets really dark. When the movie is over they celebrate by singing “Angels We Have Heard Are High”, check out the loot in their stockings and watch the Mad Scientists exchange gifts.

For me “A Patrick Swayze Christmas” doesn’t keep this episode from falling into an average rating. I enjoy it when I watch it, but compared to the hilarious season five offering Santa Claus and the excellent season eight Jack Frost this one really pales in comparison. I know lots of people love this episode, but each year I give it a try and each year I give it three lazy Martians out of five.

This episode is available on Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection – The Essentials.

Cinematic Titanic Review

If you are willing to miss out on "A Patrick Swayze Christmas" then I heartily recommend Cinematic Titanic's riffing session of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It seems that Joel and company felt they could have done a little more with the episode, and now with a total of five riffers on hand they give it a shot. The results are hilarious.

Ironically, they use the complete version of the film (the MST3K episode was edited for time). No new scenes are included, but now certain sequences are longer, especially the visiting the elder sequence on Mars. As if this slog of a movie needed any more padding! But the new footage is great for us old time MST3K viewers makes the viewing experience new... or at least a bit different.

The riffing pacing is a lot faster, and everyone gets some great lines in there, including Frank who yells a perfectly timed "DON'T TOUCH THAT!". Yes the movie is still horrible, but the riffers have some fun with the fact that some of them have enduring this flick before. The episode starts with Trace attempting to run away the minute he finds out they are watching Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It ends with him and Josh attempting to see who can survive the end credits and the hideous song the longest. For me this is the superior riffing version of this flick and well worth catching. 

It's available on Hulu or in a DVD direct from the folks at Cinematic Titanic. They've also done a live show or two featuring this flick.

The Starfighters (1964) - MST3K Review

Summary:

Lt. John Witkoski (Robert Dornan, yes of senatorial fame) has just accepted a transfer to a fighter jet squadron that uses the incredible Lockheed F-104 Starfighter. John is pleased as punch about the assignment and is a natural when it comes to flying these babies. But his father, a powerful congressman, wants his son to fly huge old bombers.

But nothing doing! John participates in dangerous training maneuvers, hits on a local hottie and gets into some shenanigans with his buddies Lt. York (Steve Early) and Lt. Lyons (Robert Winston). Meanwhile the audience is treated to endless footage of refueling planes, some really bad underscore and a bunch of men gadding about in their poopie suits. I can’t make this up folks. The Starfighters proves that something as exciting as jet fighters can be made more dull than watching an apple brown.

Movie Review:

If you take Top Gun drain away all the entertaining cheese, replace the likable cast with wooden performances, inject about 15 minutes of midair refueling footage and then set it back in the 1960s, you have a pretty good idea of what The Starfighters is like.

When of Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans discuss the worst movies ever made this one will usually come up. With its paper-thin plot, one dimensional characters and endless use of stock footage the whole package is painfully dull. Yet, you can see that money was spent on the film. It was obviously filmed at the George Air Force base in California.  You can tell that all the plane footage is real, with no use of special effects. You can even tell that some of the airmen in the film are actual servicemen pitching in with some bit parts.

But this does not excuse the basic issues with the story telling. There is essentially no plot to speak of. John is our main character because the camera spends the most time pointed at him. He has a basic conflict with his father, but it is comprised of boring scenes with the congressman calling up John or his commanding officer and whining about the F-104’s safety record.

A quick check on wiki reveals that this was an actual concern with the Starfighter jet. In the mid sixties a series of well-publicized accidents involving the jet occurred in Europe and Canada. Was this movie made to bolster support for the jet? If so, who was the audience?

Some other things happen. John and his buddies clown around a bit. John meets a local girl and hits on her. And if you ever wanted to watch Bob Dornan make out, than this is the movie for you!

Mostly you get to see lots of training exercises. It contains everything from routine maneuvers and mid-air refueling to combat training using missiles and guns. The “set piece” if it can be called that is when our heroes get lost in storm and the commanding officers attempt to find the missing planes. Did one go down? Was it John’s plane? Is he OK? Does anyone care?

And that brings us back to the basic question. Who is watching this movie? Would Air Force personnel be entertained by minute after minute of midair refueling footage? Maybe they’d enjoy the tepid romance? Oh who am I kidding, there would be few people even watching this film if Mike and bots weren’t on hand to give it a proper skewering.

Episode Review:  

I’ve mentioned this episode a number times in previous reviews and for good reason. When you’re looking for an example of a movie in which nothing happens and yet the riffing is top notch, you need look no further than The Starfighters. Now this episode is one that fans of the show can’t agree on. Some love it (like me) and other find it to be one of the worst.

I won’t deny that the movie is a real loser. It’s dull, it’s pointless, and it’s soulless on top it. It has all the qualities that I find in Monster A-Go-Go, without the catchy name. And yet, that episode never works for me and The Starfighters is a favorite.

The reason is simple. Mike and the bots attack the movie with all the guns blazing. The riffing starts and never stops, pushing the pacing forward at a tremendous speed – in fact creating it’s own pacing buy sheer will. The boys pick up on everything they can, from the hilarious musical score during the flight scenes to the extreme close ups of some seriously craggy faces.

The episode is worth watching for two key scenes. The first is the mid-air refueling sequence at the start of the film. Mike and the bots unleash an amazing set of jokes spanning sex, drug use and toilet humor. Just when you think they can’t come up with a new barb, they do and it’s hilarious. The scene feels like it goes on for roughly 3 hours, and yet the boys make the most of it, getting really creative with the jokes. And then the movie throws in another mid-air refueling scene later the boys provide a laundry list of the jokes they’ve already said, impressing as much as it amuses, and then fill in any gaps they missed. It’s one of my favorite riffing sequences from the whole series.

The other classic scene is the introduction of the “poopie suit”, an actual term used by the air force for a specialized suit worn during intercontinental flights. There is no way the Mike and the bots can ignore this, and so they dive right into the fecal based humor and hit a goldmine. Tom even sings a song with the annoying musical score about “filling you pants over France in your poopie suit”. Usually a little lowbrow humor goes a long way with me, but the movie is asking for it and the boys deliver. Great stuff.

This is a season six episode and it really shows the cast and crew at the height of their comedy writing. They take a movie that could have been as weak and dull as Mad Monster and make it one of the funniest episodes of the season. And since this is an episode from the Comedy Central run, the humor is less acerbic and barbed. They never get nasty with the movie, but seem to genuinely have a good time riffing it.

The episode starts with Crow attempting to log on to the Internet (this episode aired back in 1995, when the interwebs were shiny and new to most folks). Try as he might, he can’t merge onto the information superhighway. The mad scientists show off their cranial ports and now they are linked together with cords and connections. Mike and bots pitch “Cowboy Mike’s Ricochet Barbeque Sauce”, inspired by the countless BBQ sauce commercials on TV. The dialogue in this sequence has inspired my wife and I to talk about “extree bold” sauce to this day. At the first break Crow and Tom attempt some mid air refueling and it gets a bit disturbing actually. At the next break Crow and Tom decide they need to debrief Mike after he viewed top secret information in the movie. Yeah, they go for the underwear joke. We get a musical break next with Tom Servo and his singing airmen providing a clever medley of flight based songs a cappella. This allows Kevin Murphy to show of his singing chops (which are considerable). Once the film is over Crow is finally able to access the Internet and promptly discovers it’s a complete waste of time.

When people say they hate The Starfighters episode, I understand. If you can’t get past the painfully dull film, then the riffing can’t help you. But if you can get in the groove, and let Mike and Bots be your guide, you’ll enjoy a really top-notch effort.

I give it five poopie suits out of five.

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection: Volume 12.