And Then This Happened... Outlaw of Gor

It is good to be king. You can wear whatever you want. Command all your minions. Demand absolute obedience from your subjects. And of course you get to make proclamations. But sometimes wearing whatever you want while making the proclamations can turn out to be a bad thing.

Case in point in the example below.

But still, this moment from Outlaw of Gor gives us the perfect opportunity for caption fun. So we can't be all that mad at King Goofy here.

And then this happened...

Outlaw of Gor (1989) – MST3K Review

Summary

Poor Professor Cabot (Urbano Barberini). He misses his girlfriend Telena (Rebecca Ferratti) in the mystical land of Gor. Last time he crossed dimensions, he became a hero, but these days he’s hanging out in bars with his super annoying friend Watney Smith (Russel Savadier). 

Suddenly they are both sucked back into Gor and find themselves mixed in a conspiracy between the lovely Queen Lara (Donna Denton) and the scheming high priest Xenos (Jack Palance). Its going to take wits, sword swinging and magic to survive. Well that and the Midget Hup (Nigel Chipps). That's his name folks. Prepare yourself for endless scenes of wandering in a desert, endless scenes of people saying "Cabot" over and over again, and endless scenes of people wearing next to nothing and flailing about with fake weapons. Will Cabot remain the Outlaw of Gor or will he clear his name and get the girl?

Movie Review

"I really like your hat Mr. Palance."

The 1980’s proved to be a pretty rich time for low budget fantasy films. Conan the Barbarian started this whole trend off and we entered the Barbarian Age of fantasy movies. And if you loved your fantasy films with a bit of skin and lot of dumb dialogue, than this was the decade for you. This film (also going by the names Gor II and Outlaw of Gor) is a sequel to Gor. These were loosely based off a series of sword and planet adventures started in the late 60’s by John Norman. These types of stories were modeled off of the John Carter series by Edgar Rice Burrows, but with a bit more sex and torture.

"Is that where the tree topper went."

This movie has more in common with Ator the Flying Eagle and Cave Dwellers then either of the Conan films. It was produced by Golan Globas, the subject of the film Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films. So you kind of know what you are getting into. Not only is the budget on the low side, but the film is poorly written and put together. Some attempt was made to make the kingdom and castles look a little interesting. Having never seen the first Gor film, I’m guessing some of these sets and costumes were carried over. Sometimes they look very silly, but hey that’s part of the fun.

Mike begs the movie to stop showing off Hup's butt.

One side effect of the costuming is the fact that a lot of skin is shown. And I mean a lot. Cleavage and long legs abound. For the ladies watching, they get multiple shots of men running around in short tunics and tight little briefs. I lost count of the number of shots of men splayed out and women bending over. Director John "Bud" Carlos knew exactly what kind of movie he was making, and Outlaw is certainly competing with Barbarian Queen in the skin department. Outlaw is a little less misogynistic, but not by much.

Cabot is confident. Hup? Not so much.

Much like Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell the fight scenes are all pretty lousy. Most of the battlers look inspired by spastic chipmunks on a sugar high. No one comes close to hitting anyone else with any weapon. People jump around, I think to show how skilled they are, but I suspected they were suffering from seizures. The funny thing is the film is packed with battle scene. The most memorable is a female gladiatorial battle between princess Telena and two amazons who chewed all the scenery before entering the fray. The big finale battle scene in Outlaw is so stilted and random that you can’t help but laugh. This movie could have used rapid editing to hide the fact that these actors can’t fight.

Picked up the bloody dagger, now why don't you
tromp around in the blood and leave well defined
footprints while you're at it.

The story is simple. Our hero goes back to Gor, gets framed for murder and must expose the plot. But the movie continues to botch things. Not one single character  in Outlaw has any motivation or exhibits rational behavior. One minute Watney is Cabot’s best bud, the next he’s a traitorous bastard. One minute Queen Lara is all chummy with Xenos the next minute she hates him. Talk about mood swings! Cabot never proves he’s innocent really, he just stumbles around, beats people up, and gets beaten up. Eventually Watney reveals the truth, but only because he’s about to be killed. What about the dwarf or Midget Hup as he is called in the credits? Well I have no idea who he is, or why he’s in the movie other than comic relief and showing his butt off.

Even in these early scenes you want to smash Watley
in the face... hard.

Then there is the acting. Yeah it stinks on toast. Barberini isn't bad as Cabot. I'm guessing he was hired more for his physique as opposed to acting skills. But if Miles O'Keefe works as Ator, than I guess Barberini is fine as Cabot. Savadier is really good at being annoying as Watley. He's supposed to be smarmy which he gets right, and funny which he isn't really. He also manages to look oily in just about every scene he's in. Then there is Mr. Chipps as Midget Hup. He doesn't do much else other than follow Cabot around and act as a mascot of sorts in the film. Not going to fault Chipps for his performance, there just isn't much in the script for him to do.

Oh she looks normal (maybe a little vampy) now
but just wait... just wait.

But two performances in Outlaw are worth mentioning. Donna Denton as Queen Lara is hilarious. She chews the scenery vamping it up one minute and shouting imperiously the next. Not a drop of subtlety to be found, but you get the feeling she’s having a good time. One scene in particular where she’s yelling at Xenos she almost blows her line and it’s even funnier. Then there’s Jack Palance in full “I’m doing it for the money folks” mode. He wears some of the stupidest hats I’ve seen in a fantasy or sci-fi film. He can barely muster the energy to act with other characters. His wheezy delivery is just plain hilarious in this film. I guess he just wasn't as motivated as he was as Voltan in Hawk the Slayer. It’s a long way to City Slickers Jack – hang in there.

The music was borrowed from numerous sources, but I actually recognized a few pieces from the 1983 version of Hercules with Lou Ferrigno. IMDB has the composer listed as Pino Donaggio who is still composing work for Italian films. Honestly, his lush score may be the best part of the movie.

All told, Outlaw is a mess. It makes less sense than an Ator movie and has more skin than one too. I’m not sure who the target audience was, but I do know that the audience ended up being Mike and the bots.

Episode Review

"Try tossing me and I'll gut you Cabot."

I love when the crew tackles bad 80’s fantasy and they don’t disappoint here. Everything from the acting, to the costumes, to Jack Palance gets mocked for some really big laughs. Things start off with the bang as Watney won’t stop saying Cabot’s name. He literally says “Cabot” about thirty times in first ten minutes of the film. When he finally stops, the people of Gor are so happy to see Cabot they take up the chant. You literally spend the first 30 minutes of the movie listening to people say “Cabot!” “Cabot?” Cabot.” Cabot!” and so on. Mike and the bots join in at first, but soon grow tired of it, and then angry at it. The results are hilarious.

Jack’s “performance” gets imitated and improved with added lines and comments on the wardrobe. My favorite is when he’s in a chase scene, except Jack isn’t running at all. Crow says in an very good imitation “Jack’s not being paid enough to run.”

This fight scene is something else... not in a good way.

Some of the best riffing in Outlaw comes at the expense of the numerous shots of people’s hindquarters, cleavage and crotches. I have to hand it the writers for coming up with so many euphemisms for body parts and then working them into jokes. Its hilarious stuff, but it actually makes this one of the least family friendly episodes of the show. The movie has some serious sexual overtones in it (you know for this type of movie) and our boys just riff along with them to. When a particularly phallic pillar appears in the foreground with the queen in the background Tom says as the queen, “Oh I wish someone would invent the battery.” Yeah, I was a bit surprised.

All in all it’s a pretty good time, lot of laughs, but a few slow spots here and there. Cabot and the dwarf spend a lot of the middle section wandering around the bland desert and the castle intrigue is really badly written and executed. It doesn’t give them too much to work with and makes things flag a bit. As annoying as Watney is, he was a great source of jokes. When he disappears about halfway through the film, you end up missing the stupid slimy jerky.

"Its a tubular, boobular joy for each girl and boy!"

The host segments aren’t bad. Thing start off silly when Mike and the bots are roughhousing aboard the satellite. Its all fun until Tom Servo gets hurt. The intro segment has the mad scientist showing off their time machine. It’s pretty goofy. Then Mike and the bots become Fabio, with the instant Fabio kits. Remember him? The first break has Mike going over his acting career in an album. It’s an odd segment. The next is a hilarious song number as Crow, Tom and Mike sing in old 20’s style about Tubular Boobular Joy. This is one of the best songs of the Comedy Central years. The next segment has the boys reviewing Jack’s autobiography called Palance on Palance, which includes a whole chapter on Tango and Cash. The movie ends and the boys show the Mads how many crotch shots there were in the movie – yeah it’s a long montage. The show ends with the Mads dancing. Kinda odd really.

"Freedom!!!!... oh wrong movie."

All told, this is a pretty funny episode. I enjoy it, but not as much as Cave Dwellers or Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell. The flagging in the middle and the couple of weak host segments keep it from the top notch, but I can easily recommend it for anyone who gets a kick out of the 80’s low budget fantasy film.

I give Outlaw four buffalo shots out of five.

And now I present the Madness of Queen Lara.

She's working up the crazy eyes. Don't look directly at them!

"Get out of my sight, you disgusting woooormmmm."

I think the voices in her head won't stop singing
"Let it Go" from Frozen.

One of her many dramatic arm gestures and yelling.
Did I mention she's a bit over the top... just a smidge.

Why won't anyone listen to the bellowing crazy woman
in the throne? Because her hat isn't goofy enough.
(seriously her performance makes the movie)

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000: Volume XXX.

Gunslinger (1956) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Welcome to the Old West! Or at least Roger Corman’s version of the Old West. In a small town Rose (Beverly Garland) is happily married to the marshal of these parts. But when her husband is gunned down in cold blood, Rose decides to take the law into her own hands, literally. She demands that the mayor make her the marshal until the new one arrives.

With this power, Rose starts tracking down the men that killed her husband. But she also suspects that the sultry, sneaky saloon owner Erica Page (Allison Hayes) is the real power behind the crime wave. Turns out she is right! Erica hires infamous killer Cane Miro (John Ireland) to kill Rose. But Cane takes a shine to the firebrand marshal. Erica is never one to put all her eggs in one basket, and begins to weave a web to destroy this lady Gunslinger and might take the whole town with it.

Movie Review:

"Do you think Corman is still filming us?"

No, this is not an adaptation of the first novel in Stephen King’s Dark Tower saga. It is a western written and directed by Roger Corman - Reading those words you kind of know what you are in for, don’t you? Well yes and no. Lots of the typical issues that arise from Corman’s low budgets and rushed production schedules are present but the film has some good elements too. The final result is a movie that doesn’t ever fire on all cylinders.

Let’s take a look at the good points first. Corman and his crew mostly filmed this on location. There were plenty of Western sets still in use when Corman tackled the movie. In fact many of the locations look like old Paramount Ranch, which appeared in plenty of movies and television series including Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman. In any case, the dusty trails, rolling hills, chaparral, and twisted oaks give Gunslinger a classic western feel.

Most of the indoor sets work well too, including the Red Dog Saloon and the marshal’s office. The only bits that doesn’t quite convince are the hotel rooms where Erica and Cane plot. As Joel and the bots point out, doors to hotel rooms don’t usually open out, nor do they have numbers facing the inside of the rooms. This leads to some very funny riffs about having trysts in the hallway of the hotel.

Erica doubts the veracity of your claim.

The other aspect that works reasonably well is the acting. Beverly Garland is really good as the no nonsense, tough talking, sharp shooting marshal. Her scenes with Erica and Cane give her plenty to work with. Rose comes across as not only confident and dangerous, but also clever. She also has a strong sense of needing to uphold the law, even if that means waiting until he has Erica caught in the act before she can bring the hammer down.

Speaking of Erica, Allison Hayes is just as good playing the deceitful antagonist in Gunslinger. She has an alluring way to her, and you can see why Cane and Little Man (Jonathan Haze) are attracted to her. But she also reveals a steely determination that matches Rose. Of course Erica is out for herself, looking to cash in on a huge property scheme. It is a delightfully devilish performance, only hampered by the clumsy dialogue she has to deliver.

Ireland plays Cane Miro as a typical tough guy who has a dark past. We get to know why he turned into a gunman for hire, and all around criminal (from Tombstone no less). When he’s playing up the cold killer aspects of the character, Ireland makes it work. But the scenes where Cane and Rose start falling for each other never really click. I don’t think the two have much chemistry, and it makes that portion of the film feel a little flat. But all in all, Ireland gives a solid performance.

"Breakfast any time? Well I'm ready for flapjacks!"

I like the supporting cast too. If you’ve seen enough of Corman’s films (or MST3K episodes) then you’ll recognize many of them. Jonathon Haze really comes through as Little Man. He is Erica’s slimy henchman who is a bit feeble minded and obviously in love with her. Haze really sells the role and may be one of the most pathetic characters I’ve seen in a MST3k film. You feel bad for the little loser by the end of the movie. Jonathan Haze is very good in many of the films he’s in. He usually goes for the part full bore and can play just about any type of character he needs to. I also like Martin Kingsley as the blowhard mayor. He won’t stop talking about the good old days during the Civil War. But when push comes to shove he shows his true colors. His story arc works well because his performance is believable.

The story at the heart of Gunslinger has a lot of potential. The idea of a marshal’s wife watching her husband getting gunned down and then taking up the star herself is full of potential. I especially like the idea of two powerful, confident women waging a battle against each other in this small frontier town. Each one doing what she thinks she has to do. In the middle of this is Cane Miro, a man that has a past with Erica and starts to fall for Rose. He becomes a key piece in the chess game, but who will end up controlling him? Executed with skill, Gunslinger could be considered well ahead of its time.

Alas this is a Roger Corman film. It just wasn’t going to happen.

N

She switched his coffee for flavor crystals.
Lets see if he notices.

ow, I know Corman is admired in many circles. I will say that when he made some good movies in his time. But I will also say that he showed potential in many films, including Gunslinger, that I think he had a real knack for selecting and writing interesting story concepts. But the execution of those stories, from the script level especially isn’t strong enough to build a really great movie on.

Knowing Corman, the actual script for Gunslinger was hashed out in a matter of days (or even hours). The result is an unfocused script that muddles itself far too often. Not that the film is confusing or complex, but it loses track of what it is trying to deliver.

A simple example is how they handle the killers who targeted Rose’s husband. Rose manages to shoot one of the men as they two ride away. And then the other guy shows up at the funeral of the man he just killed! Who does that? Rose spots him and guns him down right there. The silliness of that scene aside, it would have made for a more compelling film to leave one or both killers alive, and focus on Rose putting together the pieces of the plot and hunting them down. We could see her skills as a detective, work in some action, and build up Erica at the same time. Erica would obviously be watching Rose work with rising concern and then send out for Cane Muro who would arrive in the middle of the film after Rose takes out the last of her husband’s killers.

I just came up with that solution, and it works much better than what we ended up with. The movie is filled with script opportunities like that.

Make out session in the hallway and Wormy
isn't pleased.

The script ends up with these aimless montage scenes where Rose and her deputy Joshua (Chris Acaide) stop a crime wave with relative ease. These montages are so badly executed you have to laugh. In one scene it looks like Joshua just walks into a bank robber as he makes his escape and is able to punch him out right there.

Cane Muro suffers the most. The idea of the lone wolf in the thrall of two women has plenty of story potential. But, as I mentioned, the chemistry between Ireland and Garland just isn’t there. Those scenes fall flat. But they could be avoided by having Muro admire Rose’s tenacity and skills. It doesn’t have to be love, but respect that increases as the movie goes along. He could even realize near the end that he is outmatched and outwitted by both women, and become a tragic figure in this. His final shootout with Rose could be a more desperate one, as he realizes that she’s just a better Gunslinger and his number is up. That would have made an even more edgy film, especially for 1956.

The final shooting script has too many silly lines, meandering conversations, and unclear character motivations, or moments that run contrary to what we think the characters are after. It’s a mess, and it impacts the acting too. I get the feeling that several members of the cast were just not sure how they were supposed to play certain scenes.

"Mayor, you got to get them to stop calling  me Wormy!"

This also impacts the pacing. All the strange pointless conversations end up dragging the film down. A well-tuned script could have made this a crisp exciting film. But we get stuck in the mire one to many times. Surprisingly this movie isn’t padded with walking scenes, something Corman is notorious for. He even manages some decent action sequences, including a full blown bar brawl. But these bright moments get drowned in yet another conversation between Erica and Cane that doesn’t give us any new character or plot information.

Gunslinger isn’t a horrible film. But with a little more time, a little more care, it could have been a fondly remembered classic that was ahead of its time. Hell, Beverly Garland could have become one of the greats of the genre if given a chance. She does ride off into the sunset at the end of this film. I bet she could have appeared in a follow up or two. Alas, we get a sluggish mess that in some ways is more frustrating than an out and out bad movie. But it provides Joel and the bots with plenty of material.

Episode Review:

"Love what you're riding. Pinto?"

For the most part Mystery Science Theater 3000 tackled science fiction, horror and fantasy films. But every once in a while they would tackle a different genre and seem to have a blast with it. I Accuse My Parents is a melodrama that you wouldn’t think would make a great episode, and yet it is a fan favorite. Pumaman is a hilarious episode that makes me with they tackled the super hero genre more frequently. Danger! Death Ray is a hilariously bad 60s spy flick that MS3K turned into gold. So how do they do with their first Western?

In all honesty Gunslinger is one of those episodes that I have to be in the right mood to appreciate. It all comes down to the pacing of Corman’s movie. It is deadly dull in spots. If you are not prepared to be bored by aimless dialogue than getting through the film can be difficult. But if you are ready to take is nice and slow, this is really a well-riffed episode.

His only crime was making too many beans.

This episode comes in the middle of Season Five, one of the best seasons of the Comedy Central years. The writers were really experienced with pacing and timing. The riffing in general seemed a bit crisper and more rapid. It helps compensate with the movie’s slow pacing and dreary tone. You also get the feeling that they are just jazzed about tackling a Western, even if it is one as turgid as this one.

A lot of the riffing comes at the expense of the poor editing and some of the budgetary seams that start showing up all over the place. There is a hilarious moment where the camera pans to the right, and you can clearly see two riders waiting for their cue. Tom yells, “Action!” and they start riding “into frame”. A similar moment happens where the scene starts with Alison Hayes obviously waiting for her cue, and the start of the scene. Joel and bots just crack up and Crow sighs, “Corman!” with incredulity.

They are so naughty. Naughty they are.

I also get a chuckle out of the scenes that are shot day for night using an obvious filter. Tom comments “It is looking rather blue tonight”. Garland and Ireland are having a heart to heart discussion, but the lighting is so bizarre. It reminds Tom of 2001: A Space Odyssey. So he starts singing the monolith music whenever the camera cuts back to the spooky looking Garland.

The Red Dog Saloon is a source of a lot of jokes. Erica keeps insisting that “The Red Dog Saloon is open 24 hours,” to which Crow chimes in, “Breakfast any time.” Whenever the can-can dancers appear on the screen, Tom offers numerous back-to-back riffs on their routine including helpful choreography tips such as “Spank and spank and spank and you’ve been bad in the tushy.”

They also have a lot of fun with Jonathon Haze’s character, who they dub “wormy”. When he tries to show Erica how he can take out Rose with a rifle, pretending his broom is the firearm, Crow chides, “Wormy, that’s an O Cedar!” And when Haze attempts to mount a horse for a secret mission, Joel provides the voice of the horse grumbling, “Oh no, not Wormy. Have some mercy!”

The pacing does present a challenge, as do some of the longer talking scenes between Erica and Cane in the hotel/hallway. But the boys do a pretty good job overall.

Pony express... or Gypsy express?

The host segments come in different flavors and most of them are amusing. The episode opens with Tom’s head replace by a balloon inspired by the game Kaboom! Crow can’t wait to blow up Tom’s head! For the invention exchange the Mads have created a manual to blow up people’s heads like the film Scanners. The result is pretty hilarious. Joel becomes obsessed with the whiffle ball and wants to turn everything into whiffle: including whiffle hat, whiffle cup and my favorite whiffle cheese (which is Swiss cheese, “natures own whiffle”). At the first break, Joel and bots lie in caskets and imagine their own funerals. Tom wants elephants, lots of them! When we join them again, Tom uses the pony express (Crow riding on Gypsy) to send a message to Joel. It goes really poorly and takes forever. The next break has Crow and Joel trying to figure out how John Ireland kept teleporting all around the town during a chase scene. Joel thinks its because the town is made up of false fronts. Tom proves that John Ireland can warp time and space using quantum linear super position. It all ends up with  Tom demonstrating and warping time and space like Doctor Who. After the movie ends Joel and the bots compare and contrast the 1870s and the 1970s. Frank seems to have had his head scanned into a million pieces, or maybe he just watched Gunslinger.

For me, this episode is a fun one, not a favorite, but one that I usually enjoy when I revisit it. If you are a fan of westerns, Beverly Garland or even Roger Corman, you’ll probably get a bigger kick out of it than I do. Still this is a Season Five episode and most of those are in the top tier of the series, so you can’t really go wrong here.

I give it three wormy-guys out of five.

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection Vol 6 and by itself.

Wormy auditions for "The Rifleman".

The Brain that Wouldn’t Die (1962) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Dr. Bill Cortner (Jason Evers) is a brilliant surgeon who saves lives with his daring and innovative techniques. But this skill comes at a cost. He is obsessed with full limb transplantation, and experiments with cadavers and his hapless assistant Kurt (Anthony La Penna) in his spare time. He is very close to being able to transplant a dead arm to a living body with no nasty side effects. He’s about to show his girlfriend Jan (Verginia Leith) his secret laboratory when the moron goes and crashes his car. Bill is thrown clear, and so is Jan… well her head anyway.

Bill races with Jan’s head back to his hidden lab and using his secret serum he manages to resurrect Jan’s head! Now all he needs is a body. Bill figures it is time for an upgrade so he starts looking for all the smokin’ hot girls he can find, and decide which one he will decapitate and bring back to his lair. In the meantime, Jan is not pleased with her fate. But she discovers that the serum has given her telepathic abilities. She can communicate with one of Bill’s mistakes hidden in a closet. Will Jan cause havoc before Bill can find a body, or will he end up facing his former love: The Brain That Wouldn’t Die.

Movie Review:

"So he's a scientist you see."

Take your basic mad scientist concept right from Frankenstein, throw in a healthy dose of ogling women’s bodies, and cap it off with a mutated creature ripping a man’s arm off and you’ve got this fine film. But let’s be honest here, anyone who loves black and white drive-in monster flicks has at least seen still images of Jan’s severed head in the pan. This classic horror image has gone on to inspire imagery in films like Reanimator and The Man with Two Brains. Is the concept kind dumb? Sure it is, but it is also a lot of fun.

I’ve actually seen a tamer edit of this film, which moves a bit better in the pacing department. Gone are all the scenes with Bill attempting to pick up sleazy women. Instead it is much leaner and meaner approach. But the crew of Mystery Science Theater went for the longer cut of The Brain that Wouldn’t Die and I have to say it was a wise choice.

Visually the film has some interesting moments. When Bill retrieves Jan’s head, the whole scene is filmed with a frantic hand held approach. Surprising to see in a black and white B film. We also get lots of point of view shots, usually as Bill sizes up his victims. But we get a few shots from Jan’s severed head angle.

"I hate ALL MEN!" Yes, yes, you've said it
three times already.

But there are also a bunch of odd insert shots, usually of Bill staring into space, or looking smug. They seem to be thrown into the film at random, maybe to break up the two shots or something. I’m not sure. But it is very reminiscent of Coleman Francis work in Red Zone Cuba or Skydivers.

Overall the special effects are low budget fun. Jan’s head in the pan is pretty nifty. The make up effects for the mutant, and the bloody violence as Kurt and Bill get attacked are handled pretty well. I was surprised by the amount of gore in the film. Didn’t know we were getting into that much blood letting until the later 60s. On the flip side, the operation that opens the film is pretty laughable, especially the patients vinyl skull.

The sound effects work well enough. But the music in The Brain and Wouldn’t Die is a curiosity. When Bill is cruising for a new body, the score kicks into some saxophone heavy jazz. I’m not sure what they are trying to imply here, but I kept waiting for a 90s Skin-a-max movie to kick in. The music used for the creepy moments is stock stuff. If you’ve seen enough of these movies you’ll probably recognize it. Most of it works fairly well actually.

Kurt does his Johnny Tremain one man show.

The acting tends toward over the top. Evers goes in full mad scientist mode: arrogant, cocky, superior and prone to lines with double meanings. It is the perfect performance for this kind of movie. Right along with him is the La Penna as Kurt the assistant. He gets more and more panicky and loud as the film continues. I love his ranting tirades at Jan as she goads and manipulates him. Kurt is pretty much an idiot (who else would let Bill cut off his hand and replace it with a corpse hand).

In the ladies corner you have Leith as Jan. It must have been a tough shoot for her, and I admire her dedication to this very silly movie. She has to talk in a raspy voice for about 85% of her dialogue. But she has the angry stare down pat. When she declares vengeance on Bill, you believe it. There is also Adele Lamont as Doris Powell. Doris is the unfortunate gal who Bill brings home to be the new body for Jan. Doris has a great body, but an angry boyfriend cut up her face. As a result she hates all men! She declares this on several occasions. Bill manages to convince her that he can help, but of course his help is just chopping off her head and tossing it away. Lamont plays the whole thing very broadly, and it is a bit of as shame since the character is supposed to be one you feel bad for. Most of the time I was just wondering how annoying she could really get.

As for the script… do I really need to discuss it? With a title like The Brain that Wouldn’t Die you pretty much get what you expect. The plot is ridiculous; the dialogue is extremely ripe and filled with great lines. It lacks the clumsiness of Ed Wood’s script work, but gives Bill plenty of dialogue with sinister alternate meanings. In it’s basic form, the script fits the title.

The 1962 model Floozy!

But the execution is where things get dicey. The 70-minute version moves along pretty well. But the 82-minute version fills time with Bill hitting on any floozy he can find. It’s a mixed bag, because these scenes don’t have much tension to them, but they also feature some of the funniest dialogue. When it comes to scares, the movie also doesn’t quite click. Jan’s severed head isn’t very scary at all, but the way the movie is filmed, I think we are supposed to think she is. Director Joseph Green does a better job building up some tension with the mutant in the closet and around Bill’s murderous plot. But the scenes with Kurt and Jan bickering feel like padding. But then again, the dialogue is hilarious and I wouldn’t want to loose that.

Is the movie an effective scare machine? Not really. But The Brain that Wouldn’t Die is a fun monster flick with a lot of riffing potential. It was the perfect first flick for Mike to tackle as the new host of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Episode Review:

Jan in the Pan! Neck juice not included, some
disassembly required.

For fans of MST3K, the shift from Joel to Mike was a game changer. Things have mellowed over the years, but when this happened – man, it was brutal. Some people rejected Mike completely and never gave him a chance. Others immediately loved what he brought to the riffing and declared they were happier now that Joel was gone. Both of these groups are nuts! The show changed, but it gave us a new style of riffing and took things in unexpected and fun directions.

With Joel leaving, the crew at Best Brains decided to give the show a bit of a facelift. First off they had to create new opening credits (since the originals featured Joel in the visuals and in the song). They kept the same tune for the opening credits, but changed the lyrics to reflect Mike’s misadventures as they occurred in the episode Mitchell. These include Mike getting hit on the head with a clown hammer and shot into space. The new opening credits even feature a clip from this episode: The Brain that Wouldn’t Die.

Doris is not buying Mel Blanc's pick up lines.

The other visual change was tunnel sequence used in the series to show Cambot’s journey into the theater. A new tunnel was created and all the little puppets, bubbles and sliding doors were timed for the single shot. This new sequence would be used for the rest of the Comedy Central years of the series.

This was actually a great selection of movie for a transition episode. The Brain that Wouldn’t Die falls in the familiar territory for the writers. It’s black and white, a monster movie, it’s got a goofy mad scientist, silly music and ridiculous dialogue. Let’s keep in mind that Mike had been head writer for years, and had performed in front of the camera numerous times playing characters like Gamera, The Amazing Colossal Man and of course Torgo from Manos: The Hands of Fate. The big difference here is that Mike would be taking a center stage role. And he handles himself well.

"The road is attacking me!!!!"

The movie offers several sequences of visual fuel for the fire. One of my favorites is during the drive Bill and Jan take to the “country place”. A random bit of ADR declares “I have to hurry!” I’m assuming it is Bill, but it is really hard to tell, and is unrelated to the rest of the dialogue that you can’t help but laugh. The boys join in and then start commenting on editing of the car racing down the road, the assortment of street signs, and close ups of Bill’s face. Tom gets off some great timing lines with the signs “Stop? What stop? Curve? What curve?” Use these lines during your own road trip and see how your passengers react. When the crash occurs and Bill discovers Jan’s body, Mike says, “Oh no, honey roasted!” Bill then scoops up Jan’s head, wraps it in his coat and runs off with it, clutched under his arm. He looks like he’s going for a touchdown, and Mike can’t help but yell, “He’s at the forty, the thirty, no one can stop him!”

Of course with the title The Brain that Wouldn’t Die, things really get cooking when Jan’s head is placed in her pan with neck juice (Mike and Bots words, not mine), and she comes back to life. They dub her “Jan in the Pan” and they get a big kick out of her constant lamenting her fate. When Bill reveals Jan to his assistant Kurt, he says, “What you see is real.” Mike adds, “What you smell is unfortunate.” Later, when Jan and Kurt are verbally sparring, and Kurt is losing badly Tom imitates his bluster with a “Shut up you stupid little pan woman!” When Jan bemoans “Why did he let me die?” for the millionth time, Crow bursts out, “You still on about that? Well we got problems too lady!”

Awww, it's true love.

Meanwhile Bill is on the prowl for a sexy body, and the slimy saxophone music is in high gear. Tom declares that Bill must have his radio tuned to “K-PORN, sleezy slutty music all day long”. When Bill heads off to a bathing suit competition Mike and bots riff on just about everyone on stage. Bill then heads off to, what I think is supposed to be burlesque club, but it seems so small and cramped, it makes the club in The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies look like the Smithsonian. The dancer is doing her thing, and Mike and bots figure she is actually presenting the menu using interpretive dance, “This dance represents that there are no baked potatoes after five.”

The finale, in which Bill brings Jan her new body and Jan unleashes her final retribution features wall to wall riffing fun. As Doris is laying under a sheet, and her prominent chest is jutting forth, Mike asks as Bill “But honey, can you say no to these?” Her answer is to bring forth a monster that Crow declares “looks like Boo Radley!” The creature manages to grab Bill through a tiny hole in a door (don’t ask, just watch the movie. It actually makes some sense). The boys offer helpful hints to the monster, “You know just pull the door away and beat him to death with it.” At this point, Bill is no longer our wacky protagonist, but a grade A jerk. As the film ends with everyone trapped in a burning laboratory, we hear Jan laughing. Mike says, “Oh, it was a comedy!” Well Mike and the bots certainly made it funny.

Mike an the bots are proud of their hats for
Jan in the Pan

The host segments for The Brain that Wouldn’t Die are pretty good. Most of them deal with Mike attempting to adjust to his new surroundings. Things start off with Mike being trained by the bots. Tom: “Mark Singer walks out in a loin cloth, what do you say?” Mike: “Now I know why the show was called V.” For the invention exchange the Mad scientists have a device that can pop a kid’s balloons from a distance. Frank bursts into tears when his balloons pop. Mike shows off his umbrella with a gutter system attached, so your feet don’t get wet. At the first break, Mike tries to obtain control of the Satellite of Love from panels in the floor. All he ends up doing is squirting cheese everywhere. At least, he thinks its cheese. When they come back for the next break Mike and bots have created various hats for Jan. I love the lazy Susan hat that makes her the centerpiece at any party. When we come back, Mike and bots are discussing trust. It ends up with Mike sharing an embarrassing story, and the bots proceeding to ridicule him. After the movie ends, Jan in the Pan visits the satellite (courtesy of Mary Jo Pehl), and Mike ends up insulting her. Dr. Forrester decides to try to remove Frank’s head and keep it alive in a pan. Quoth Frank, “Here we go again!”

The Brain that Wouldn’t Die is a fun episode. The riffing is solid, the movie is ridiculously watchable and it makes for a great transition episode for the hosts. In the scheme of things, it sits in the middle of Season Five, but it is well worth seeking out.

I give it three heads in pans out of five.

Even Jan has to smile at this episode.

This episode is available on the single DVD from Rhino, but was also included on a disc with Mitchell in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 25^th Anniversary Edition boxset.

Operation Double 007 (1967) – MST3K Review

Summary:

Who do you call when an evil criminal organization called Thanatos attempts to destroy the world’s economy using a strange magnetic device? Oddly enough you contact Dr. Neil Connery played by Neil Connery. The good doctor is a master plastic surgeon, hypnotist, martial artist and crack shot with a bow and arrow. Why wouldn’t you want him on your side?

The evil Mr. Thayer (Adolfo Celi sans eye patch) kidnaps the lovely Miss Yashuko (Yachuco Yama) and attempts to break her hypnotic barrier. Neil is pressured into action by Commander Cunningham (Bernard Lee) and Miss Maxwell (Louis Maxwell). But the forces of evil have a team of lovelies lead by Maya Rafis (Daniela Bianchi) who can kick butt and look sexy all at the same time. Will Neil be able to uncover Thayer’s evil plan, save the world and get the girl? Or will Operation Double 007 be a complete failure?

Movie Review:

The name is Connery, Neil Connery... Doctor.

Also known as Ok Connery or Operation Kid Brother this movie was released the same year as You Only Live Twice and Casino Royale with Peter Sellers. It came at a time when the spy-mania of the 1960s had already peaked. The Bond movies had reached their most over the top, and the competition was saturating the market with spy films and spy spoofs. The next Bond flick would be On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, which would move away form comic book action and more toward the thrillers of the early portion of the series.

I’m setting the stage because it explains a lot about Operation Double 007. It literally grabs elements, actors and ideas from many previous James Bond and spy films and slams them all together in the hope of making an entertaining film. It has much more in common with its peer Casino Royale than it does with the proper franchise, and it is just as disjointed. What makes this film fail to click is the lack of a charismatic lead performance.

Miss Bianchi in one of her less outrageous outfits.

Neil Connery was doomed in this film from the start. Sean Connery was the epitome of spy culture in the 1960s. Even a spoof like Casino Royale understood this, and therefore let the actor(s) playing James Bond do as much as they could to distance themselves from Connery as possible. But poor Neil’s very presence forces us to compare him constantly to his brother, and it is just a loosing battle. He doesn’t have the natural charisma, the presence and the innate talent to make the role work. For some reason Neil is also poorly dubbed, which doesn’t help the situation in the least. I’m sure he did what he could, and probably had some fun in the role, but as a whole, his performance just doesn’t generate any sparks.

This leaves us with the supporting cast.  In a bizarre and amazing turn of events, nearly all the roles are populated by actors who appeared in previous Bond films. It makes things fun for fans of the series, but it also brings up the previous performances for easy comparison. In this case, it doesn’t sink the ship. Bernard Lee who played “M” in all the James Bond film up to Moonraker appears in a similar role in Operation Double 007. Louis Maxwell plays his assistant Miss Maxwell, instead of Moneypenny. Maxwell looks like she is having a great old time, running around with machine guns and blowing people away. Daniela Bianchi, of From Russia With Love fame, plays the Pussy Galore inspired role. She starts off evil, but falls for Neil as the film progresses. She too seems to be having a fun time playing the wicked girl.

With or without the eyepatch, Celi is one bad dude.

The two main villains are also familiar faces. Anthony Dawson plays Alpha, the head of the crime syndicate Thanatos. The irony is that Dawson provided the hands of Blofeld in the films From Russia with Love and Thunderball, where we only see the hands and the cat. He also played the treacherous Professor Dent in Dr. No. Then there’s Adolfo Celi who was so memorable in Thunderball as the right hand of SPECTRE. He plays Mr. Thayer much broader and more extravagant. In many ways, he’s cooler than Neil, but his final plan is so silly it’s hard to take him seriously, especially in that red vinyl jumpsuit.

Yeah, about the costumes in Operation Double 007… Bianchi and her gals end up wearing some of the most over the top and ultra-60s costumes I’ve seen in some time. How these are supposed to be anything other than hilarious, well I’m not sure. But these gals end up looking so silly that it removes any threat from those scenes. The sequence where they steal a nuclear device dressed as cat/skunk/showgirls… well, it has to be seen to be believed. The final battle features guys dressed in odd lederhosen-esque outfits against guys in red vinyl jumpsuits. So at least the ladies don’t get all the silly costume fun.

Catgirl Skunk Showgirls... AWAY!

The music is pure 1960s spy sound. Part was composed by Ennio Morricone, one of the most prolific composers out there. He worked on a few films in this genre, including Danger Diabolik. Sure we all know his spaghetti westerns, like The Good the Bad and the Ugly and his wonderful work on The Mission. But he was a busy guy, and even had time for flicks like this. The hilarious opening song, called Ok Connery is a combination of catchy jazzy hook and ridiculous lyrics about how awesome and amazing Connery is. Even James Bond looks like an idiot in comparison to this paragon described in the song.

The plot, well it kinda makes some sense, you know, if you don’t think about it too much. This isn’t that big a deal really. Even James Bond flicks aren’t immune to confusing or nonsensical plots (I’m looking at you Octopussy). Thanatos is attempting to use a magnetic device that will stop all the machines in the world (borrowed from Klaatu and The Day the Earth Stood Still?). But all the things they have to do to get that device just don’t add up. Sure it leads to some set pieces, but most of the time you’re just wondering if there wasn’t an easier way to get Dr. Connery from adventure to adventure.

"I see you envy my tailor, Mr. Connery."

But I have to admit some of the set pieces in Operation Double 007 are creative. You get an abduction involving a nun and a elaborate cable device. Then there is a raid on a castle that involves disguises, explosions and Moneypenny with a machine gun. There’s a battle aboard a yacht that pits the female squad against a bunch of goons. There’s the cat/skunk/showgirl sequence. The final battle forces our heroes and villains to battle without using any machinery or guns.

When you boil it down, this movie could have been a lot worse. It moves at a good pace, never takes itself seriously, and just wants to entertain you for a couple hours. The tone is a bit odd. It never seems like an outright parody, but it is too goofy to be a serious spy film. The end result is a breezy good time, but it has enough oddities to make it a great target for Joel and the bots.

Episode Review:  

The bridge of Mr. Connery's nose makes for
fascinating cinema.

The Italian spy film genre is teeming with all kinds of films. Some of them are horrible, some of them are good fun and some just kind of sit there. Luckily there are enough of them out there that the crew at Mystery Science Theater 3000 could pick and choose the ones that would work best with their format.

Operation Double 007 has all the right ingredients to make this a very fun episode. It is certainly a step up from the previous spy flick they tackled, Secret Agent Super Dragon. The fact that a whole host of Bond actors are in the film allows the crew to come up with some pretty hilarious material. They mine some serious gold from the fact that Neil Connery is in the film. There are plenty of jokes where other characters keep mistaking Neil for James Bond, or asking for his brother’s autograph. One of my favorite lines happens near the end where Mr. Thayer whirls around to see Connery standing there and Crow says in a urbane villainous voice, “Ah, Mr. Bond…. ‘s brother.”

They have a great time with his various powers. They wonder about his hypnotism, and the fact that each time he uses it, the camera is crammed right into his eyes. Or when he reads lips, while in disguise as a blind man, Tom says, “I hope he can read Braille lips”.

Moneypenny opens a can of hot leaded whoop-ass!

Speaking of disguises, the outfits in Operation Double 007 generate some serious riffing potential. Joel wonders why Bianchi is “dressed like Barney Rubble”. Later the assassin disguised as the nun fuels a whole mess of hilarious jokes including “I want the problem called Maria taken care of… permanently.” But my favorite sequence is the one where Louis Maxwell is in disguise as a gardener and wielding her machine gun. She looks a bit like Katherine Hepburn in On Golden Pond. The boys go to town with this, and do a bunch of hilarious Hepburn jokes including, “Norman, the calla lilies are raining hot lead!”

The host segments are a good bit of fun. Things start off with Joel sharing his home movies with the bots. Gypsy falls asleep, Crow is bored and pleading for help, and Tom is enjoying them! For the invention exchange Frank creates his lederhosen-hosen, which is a garden hose and some lederhosen. Crow creates the bobbin’ buzzard, which is just as odd as it sounds. At the first break, Joel is inspired the by main villain to turn the bots into his hench-girls and wander around acting smug. It’s very silly. For the next one, Joel and bots attempt to chart Neil and Sean’s careers. It gets a bit mean, but they apologize at the end. Finally the last two skits revolve around Torgo from Manos – The Hands of Fate returning with the sodas the mad scientists ordered way back in season four! The show ends with Torgo thanking Dr. Forrester for letting him use the bathroom – ick!

Torgo visits the Mad Scientists with a special treat.

All in all, this is a fun episode, not quite the best of the secret agent flicks they tackled. I like Danger! Death Ray a bit more. But James Bond fans will find plenty to like here, and the riffing is solid and stead all the way through.

I give it four cat/skunk/showgirls out of five.

This episode is available on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection XXV.